hi all! I am going to be moving. My plan is to transfer the pictures, poetry, and better faith/ spirituality posts to the new site. Really I just need a new space. This blog has sort of turned into a diary of sorts, which is fine, but I'd like to redirect my focus to topics dealing with spirituality and the Christian faith. Also, it's just time for a change! A brand new start! So, if you would like the address to my new blog, please email me at maria (dot) garner (at) gmail.com
I will probably not do much work on the new site til tomorrow, and hopefully will have things up and running by next week. Thanks so much! :)
Friday, September 12, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
dreams
I have been having a lot of dreams lately. Dreams of the past, dreams of the present, dreams of the future. Last night I dreamed that I ran into the guy I dated and that he was stricken with sadness and couldn't look me in the eye. At the very end of the dream we made eye contact with each other, seeming to express a kind of mutual understanding of having made a mistake with other and of having forgiven one another. I think I finally have peace about that whole experience/ relationship.
It has been difficult for me to get perspective on the last year of my life. Only in the last month or two have I been able to see how wounded I was from the end of my relationship with Evan. There were several months where I locked myself alone in my apartment and drank too much. There was the blackjack gambling spree I went on for several months, during that same time period, during those nights I didn't want consolation from my friends, and didn't want to be alone in the apartment either. There was that guy that I liked so much, the one I know now was a rebound, and I can admit that it was a rebound now, even though at that time I thought I was smarter than that. I can see how I gave up many things, and started bad habits-- like smoking cigarettes, all over again.
I have other dreams now. I have been thinking about what I want to do, about what would bring me happiness and fulfillment and about how I could best use my gifts and talents to serve others. I love the idea of eventually working for some sort of progressive faith based social services agency. Maybe that would be my dream job.
I always make eye contact with people in my dreams. Sometimes my dreams help me act out and experiment with things I would never do or say in real life. A lot of times my dreams have to do with relationships and life changing decisions I could make.
Especially now, coming up on a year of employment, I feel like I have so many options. It's hard to know what to do. Should I apply to graduate school and study theology, working toward the MDiv so that one day I can work in a faith based capacity toward social change? Should I apply for a better paying job with benefits and wait longer to see if God will somehow lead me in a different direction?
I want to be more in the habit of asking God what God would want me to do, and how I can best help people. I know that is my calling, to help and serve others. Sometimes I forget this and get whiny. I want to do that less. How do we keep from burning out, how do we stay focused and keep our faith alive with all of the depth of love and peace that I know God offers each of us? These are just some random thoughts, some rhetorical questions. It's hard though to let go of the sensation, the inkling, the intuition or feeling that I am very much in the beginning of a life called to service, to be an instrument of God's compassion and mercy.
It has been difficult for me to get perspective on the last year of my life. Only in the last month or two have I been able to see how wounded I was from the end of my relationship with Evan. There were several months where I locked myself alone in my apartment and drank too much. There was the blackjack gambling spree I went on for several months, during that same time period, during those nights I didn't want consolation from my friends, and didn't want to be alone in the apartment either. There was that guy that I liked so much, the one I know now was a rebound, and I can admit that it was a rebound now, even though at that time I thought I was smarter than that. I can see how I gave up many things, and started bad habits-- like smoking cigarettes, all over again.
I have other dreams now. I have been thinking about what I want to do, about what would bring me happiness and fulfillment and about how I could best use my gifts and talents to serve others. I love the idea of eventually working for some sort of progressive faith based social services agency. Maybe that would be my dream job.
I always make eye contact with people in my dreams. Sometimes my dreams help me act out and experiment with things I would never do or say in real life. A lot of times my dreams have to do with relationships and life changing decisions I could make.
Especially now, coming up on a year of employment, I feel like I have so many options. It's hard to know what to do. Should I apply to graduate school and study theology, working toward the MDiv so that one day I can work in a faith based capacity toward social change? Should I apply for a better paying job with benefits and wait longer to see if God will somehow lead me in a different direction?
I want to be more in the habit of asking God what God would want me to do, and how I can best help people. I know that is my calling, to help and serve others. Sometimes I forget this and get whiny. I want to do that less. How do we keep from burning out, how do we stay focused and keep our faith alive with all of the depth of love and peace that I know God offers each of us? These are just some random thoughts, some rhetorical questions. It's hard though to let go of the sensation, the inkling, the intuition or feeling that I am very much in the beginning of a life called to service, to be an instrument of God's compassion and mercy.
Monday, August 25, 2008
if I ventured in the slipstream
The other day I got really high and listened to Van Morrison's Astral Weeks. It was the first time I'd listened to the whole album since last fall. It made me remember the grace I felt like I was experiencing back then. I'd ride around the inlet on my bike, stopping to take pictures of the water, the changing leaves, the animals.
It felt like everything around me was a testimony of God's love. I would go hiking with Evan. He would walk way ahead of me and I would have to stop and take pictures of the way the light danced through the trees and made curving shadows. It was like I was fascinated with literal light. I look back at some of the pictures I took last fall and indeed they record hundreds of variations of the two.
Somehow I have lost this awe, this wonderment, that state I was in-- one of bewilderment even, of infatuation stumbling toward anything and everything I even had the slightest idea might be by or of or for God.
I go to church now pretty faithfully. I love the people there. I usually look forward to going, where before I would often dread it. I sit in the same place every week and know how everything is supposed to go. I know the drill, I guess you could say. I feel comfortable there. But I also feel loved.
Sometimes I even think vaguely about God while I am there.
But I miss that deep sense of breathlessness that I got riding around Priest Point Park, taking big deep gulps of life and knowing they were from God.
It felt like everything around me was a testimony of God's love. I would go hiking with Evan. He would walk way ahead of me and I would have to stop and take pictures of the way the light danced through the trees and made curving shadows. It was like I was fascinated with literal light. I look back at some of the pictures I took last fall and indeed they record hundreds of variations of the two.
Somehow I have lost this awe, this wonderment, that state I was in-- one of bewilderment even, of infatuation stumbling toward anything and everything I even had the slightest idea might be by or of or for God.
I go to church now pretty faithfully. I love the people there. I usually look forward to going, where before I would often dread it. I sit in the same place every week and know how everything is supposed to go. I know the drill, I guess you could say. I feel comfortable there. But I also feel loved.
Sometimes I even think vaguely about God while I am there.
But I miss that deep sense of breathlessness that I got riding around Priest Point Park, taking big deep gulps of life and knowing they were from God.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
life
Things have been very busy. My sister is visiting from Virginia and I had a couple of days off last week to have fun with her. We went to Mt Rainier over the weekend and managed to escape the recent blistering heat (that has thankfully subsided into the usual oddly wonderful rain). It was great to explore all of the park and go up to the Sunrise area, as I had never been there before. We briefly contemplated jumping off cliffs into the Ohanapechosh river, but hadn't brought a change of clothes and ultimately decided to forgo that adventure this time around. It was still very nice and good to spend time with her.
On Sunday I went and got the dog, Honey, from one of the several houses I am watching right now, and piled into my brother's 86 Honda with my sister, brother and of course, Honey. We headed up to Lower Lena. It was fun to have Honey with us and wonderful to be able to hike with her off leash. As we hiked we heard nearby rare thunderstorms in the distance, which I really appreciated. I still miss thunderstorms considerably. Later in the evening Liz and I went to the compline service at the episcopal church here in town. I don't think I will ever get over how calming, peaceful and angelic that service is. I always feel strengthened afterwards, and I love to have that chance each week to admit my shortcomings before God while still feeling so much of what I can only describe as divine love. It's transformational to be able to hear the message of God's grace sung out like that, every week. I am very thankful for it.
Monday it was back to work, and I really threw myself into things trying to get a large mailing done, having to secure a venue at the last minute for a recognition event when the original venue fell through. I was actually saved by the Methodist church. When I called to see if we could book the space, I was surprised to learn that their secretary knew me as "mosaic Maria" from our small group/ emergent gathering we had been having weekly until June when everyone decided to take a break and spend some time re-imagining our purpose and focus. Anyway, today when I was able to confirm that space for the event I was so very much thankful and happy and felt really blessed for those friendships.
Today was more work, looking over a grant narrative, interviewing 2 volunteers, driving to Hoodsport (what a beautiful trip) and then back to Shelton for a staff meeting. My director sent me an email confirming my full time status for the time being. What she doesn't know is that I was offered and turned down a 3/4 time position as a caseworker in Olympia. The pay was a little better, but it was 3/4 times-- though they had a decent benefits package. When my hours were cut in June, I thought about leaving, but really wanted to stay. On a whim I only applied to one place in July-- to a local social services agency. Right after I applied our other coordinator unexpectedly quit and my hours were put back to full time. Two weeks later I was called in for an interview and offered the position at the beginning of August. Time goes by so fast.
Here are my desires right now: To work at my current job as close to full time as possible, for as long as possible. I simply love my job. I never wanted to leave, even when my hours were cut, but I really need to make a certain amount of money. In the end though, I am glad I stayed. I really respect and admire my director and I know she is looking for more grant money to try and extend my hours in this county. I am trying to have faith, because what I really want right now is to stay at my current job.
If I go back down to less than 30-35 hours, I am not sure what I will do. My second choice is to study theology. My third choice is to work for a social services agency. Anyway enough about work for now.
Tomorrow is the Radiohead concert with Liz. I can't believe its tomorrow! I havent really let it sink in yet, but I am so excited!!! Thursday is Denise's funeral. Friday is an ESL training, along with Saturday (and before the training I will take Liz back to Seatac).
One week from tomorrow I will be 27. Time goes by so fast.
On Sunday I went and got the dog, Honey, from one of the several houses I am watching right now, and piled into my brother's 86 Honda with my sister, brother and of course, Honey. We headed up to Lower Lena. It was fun to have Honey with us and wonderful to be able to hike with her off leash. As we hiked we heard nearby rare thunderstorms in the distance, which I really appreciated. I still miss thunderstorms considerably. Later in the evening Liz and I went to the compline service at the episcopal church here in town. I don't think I will ever get over how calming, peaceful and angelic that service is. I always feel strengthened afterwards, and I love to have that chance each week to admit my shortcomings before God while still feeling so much of what I can only describe as divine love. It's transformational to be able to hear the message of God's grace sung out like that, every week. I am very thankful for it.
Monday it was back to work, and I really threw myself into things trying to get a large mailing done, having to secure a venue at the last minute for a recognition event when the original venue fell through. I was actually saved by the Methodist church. When I called to see if we could book the space, I was surprised to learn that their secretary knew me as "mosaic Maria" from our small group/ emergent gathering we had been having weekly until June when everyone decided to take a break and spend some time re-imagining our purpose and focus. Anyway, today when I was able to confirm that space for the event I was so very much thankful and happy and felt really blessed for those friendships.
Today was more work, looking over a grant narrative, interviewing 2 volunteers, driving to Hoodsport (what a beautiful trip) and then back to Shelton for a staff meeting. My director sent me an email confirming my full time status for the time being. What she doesn't know is that I was offered and turned down a 3/4 time position as a caseworker in Olympia. The pay was a little better, but it was 3/4 times-- though they had a decent benefits package. When my hours were cut in June, I thought about leaving, but really wanted to stay. On a whim I only applied to one place in July-- to a local social services agency. Right after I applied our other coordinator unexpectedly quit and my hours were put back to full time. Two weeks later I was called in for an interview and offered the position at the beginning of August. Time goes by so fast.
Here are my desires right now: To work at my current job as close to full time as possible, for as long as possible. I simply love my job. I never wanted to leave, even when my hours were cut, but I really need to make a certain amount of money. In the end though, I am glad I stayed. I really respect and admire my director and I know she is looking for more grant money to try and extend my hours in this county. I am trying to have faith, because what I really want right now is to stay at my current job.
If I go back down to less than 30-35 hours, I am not sure what I will do. My second choice is to study theology. My third choice is to work for a social services agency. Anyway enough about work for now.
Tomorrow is the Radiohead concert with Liz. I can't believe its tomorrow! I havent really let it sink in yet, but I am so excited!!! Thursday is Denise's funeral. Friday is an ESL training, along with Saturday (and before the training I will take Liz back to Seatac).
One week from tomorrow I will be 27. Time goes by so fast.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
very scary experience
I just had a very scary encounter with a stranger in the Albertson's parking lot near my house. I pulled into a parking spot, got out of my car, and heard a voice come from a nearby silverish/white colored pick up truck, "Way to go, bitch!" Now. Most of you know I am not the kind of person to get into a conversation with someone like this. I generally just ignore situations I think are dangerous, but in this case I was genuinely perplexed about what this guy's problem was, plus I couldn't believe he was talking to me, so I stopped in my tracks, looked at him in the window and said "excuse me?" And he said, "nice job pulling into the parking spot". I was confused, looked at my car, saw it was parked between the lines and said, "my car is in the lines, I don't understand what the problem is". He said, "my problem is stupid bitches like you that drive too fast". I should have walked away at this point, but I something instinctive inside of myself wanted to stand up for myself and I unthinkingly about the danger said, "well, I wish you had better things to do." He said, "okay ugly bitch" at which point (this is so stupid looking back) I gave him the finger and then walked into the store. I should not have done this, I just felt so accosted by him, I wanted to hurt him back. In retrospect I shouldn't have done it because it pissed him off and made the situation more dangerous.
Instead of shopping, I only picked up one item, because I was starting to get a really bad feeling and wanted to get out of there before he damaged my car. I was also nervous about whether or not he had followed me into the store. As I walked out of the door to the store, I turned around and saw he was about 100 feet behind me. I got about 20 feet into the parking lot, trying not to freak out, turned around and he was about 40 feet behind me at which point I said "you better not fuck with me". This clearly pissed him off more and he started jogging at me like he was going to attack. At this point I screamed for help. A guy walking into the store stopped along with a female Albertson's employee and turned to look. This made the scary guy stop in his tracks. I told the clerk I felt threatened and asked if she would walk me back to my car. The guy kept glaring at me the whole time. Maybe I should've called the cops, but what would I have said? It was really scary. It shook me up. This is the first time I have ever had a confrontation like this and I have to admit I locked my door when I got home. I hope I never ever see this person again.
Instead of shopping, I only picked up one item, because I was starting to get a really bad feeling and wanted to get out of there before he damaged my car. I was also nervous about whether or not he had followed me into the store. As I walked out of the door to the store, I turned around and saw he was about 100 feet behind me. I got about 20 feet into the parking lot, trying not to freak out, turned around and he was about 40 feet behind me at which point I said "you better not fuck with me". This clearly pissed him off more and he started jogging at me like he was going to attack. At this point I screamed for help. A guy walking into the store stopped along with a female Albertson's employee and turned to look. This made the scary guy stop in his tracks. I told the clerk I felt threatened and asked if she would walk me back to my car. The guy kept glaring at me the whole time. Maybe I should've called the cops, but what would I have said? It was really scary. It shook me up. This is the first time I have ever had a confrontation like this and I have to admit I locked my door when I got home. I hope I never ever see this person again.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
feeling good
I had a very good day today. It was cooler outside, which was nice. I accomplished much at work, and at the end of the day, was supposed to match a student with a tutor. Surprisingly, the tutor didn't show up. This almost never happens. So I decided to tutor the student myself.
It was so fulfilling just hanging out and talking to the student, and helping her myself. I hardly ever get to do that, because my job is mainly made up of administrative and managing type tasks. It made me feel so good. I've been taking a break from volunteering and working with the student helped me remember how great it makes me feel.
Later on, after a delicious wonderful dinner my brother made, I decided to go for a long walk to a park just a few miles away. It felt so good.
It was so fulfilling just hanging out and talking to the student, and helping her myself. I hardly ever get to do that, because my job is mainly made up of administrative and managing type tasks. It made me feel so good. I've been taking a break from volunteering and working with the student helped me remember how great it makes me feel.
Later on, after a delicious wonderful dinner my brother made, I decided to go for a long walk to a park just a few miles away. It felt so good.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
CHURCHINESS
Funny thing happened at church last Sunday. I was up in the balcony, singing the last song before communion. As the song ended and everyone started to get ready to take communion, I noticed the volunteer servers attempting to serve the folks that are responsible for running all the sound equipment first. Nothing seemed wrong with this. I've been on the balcony for communion before and serving them first certainly didn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary.
Yet suddenly and dramatically just as the servers were offering the bread and wine, this older crotchety fellow started raising his voice at the servers, saying "no! no!" The servers didn't hear them above the organ music. "NO!" he yelled, even louder continuing, "WE START OVER HERE!!" he said really meanly as the shocked communion servers looked visibly startled. He pointed at me and said "YOU! NOW!" I was equally shocked, but stood up-- I was sitting in the very last row and it was clear the show wasn't going to go on (and indeed at this point it felt like a "show") until the servers complied and stopped their attempt to feed the sound people first. So, I walked down to the very hurt and frightened looking servers and as they served me communion I tried to tell them it was ok, they were doing great and not to listen to that guy. The whole incident was really...well....CHURCHY.
Yet suddenly and dramatically just as the servers were offering the bread and wine, this older crotchety fellow started raising his voice at the servers, saying "no! no!" The servers didn't hear them above the organ music. "NO!" he yelled, even louder continuing, "WE START OVER HERE!!" he said really meanly as the shocked communion servers looked visibly startled. He pointed at me and said "YOU! NOW!" I was equally shocked, but stood up-- I was sitting in the very last row and it was clear the show wasn't going to go on (and indeed at this point it felt like a "show") until the servers complied and stopped their attempt to feed the sound people first. So, I walked down to the very hurt and frightened looking servers and as they served me communion I tried to tell them it was ok, they were doing great and not to listen to that guy. The whole incident was really...well....CHURCHY.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble been doggin' my soul, since the day i was born
I'm feeling better. Boys, though, in general, are trouble.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Narcolepsy, nunery, none of the above?
It's rainy and I am in a gloomy mood. I just had an epiphany about how truly fucked up I am when it comes to romantic relationships. It is a pit of despair. How can we ever find who we are looking for, if we don't really know what we want? I don't know what I want, really. I have fantasies of singleness but I hate being alone. I have fantasies of concentrating solely on graduate work and trying to forge some kind of salvageable career out of my life, but then, once in a great while, I think to myself about how I am getting older, how I will be 27 next month. I wonder if I will ever have children. I guess if I ever wanted children and it was too late for me, I could adopt.
The point is, when I connect with a boy somehow, or feel attraction strongly for someone, or am tempted to try to make a relationship work, or whatever the freaking case may in fact be, it seems like all my attention is suddenly focused on this other and what they want, usually anyway. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I don't know what I want.
I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to pursue cheap meaningless relationships that will only end in pain. At the same time, I am pretty independent, and actually pretty selfish sometimes, so maybe its wrong to try and be in a relationship anyway.
All this has me seriously contemplating some form of deliberate non-dating for some unknown amount of time. I just don't know. I feel really vulnerable right now and really weak when it comes to this kind of thing, like I would just go right along with anyone, even for a fling, if they were persistant enough about it. BLAH. I feel so lonely! Sure I can pray I guess. I guess that's what I should do.
Or I can enjoy a little bit of wine and fall into a deep, deep, sleep and maybe it will be sunny again tomorrow, and I will be too busy with work to think about the mistakes I've made.
The point is, when I connect with a boy somehow, or feel attraction strongly for someone, or am tempted to try to make a relationship work, or whatever the freaking case may in fact be, it seems like all my attention is suddenly focused on this other and what they want, usually anyway. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I don't know what I want.
I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to pursue cheap meaningless relationships that will only end in pain. At the same time, I am pretty independent, and actually pretty selfish sometimes, so maybe its wrong to try and be in a relationship anyway.
All this has me seriously contemplating some form of deliberate non-dating for some unknown amount of time. I just don't know. I feel really vulnerable right now and really weak when it comes to this kind of thing, like I would just go right along with anyone, even for a fling, if they were persistant enough about it. BLAH. I feel so lonely! Sure I can pray I guess. I guess that's what I should do.
Or I can enjoy a little bit of wine and fall into a deep, deep, sleep and maybe it will be sunny again tomorrow, and I will be too busy with work to think about the mistakes I've made.
Monday, July 28, 2008
sail to the moon
I really want to make a major life change on August 1st. Oh yeah, I said "LIFE CHANGE"!!!!!!! That's right, I am letting Jesus "take the wheel" on August 1st!!!!!!!! ;) Well, Jesus is already driving some of the time, I've just decided to take a lengthy vacation from the wheel and see where I end up. (I hope all of you dear readers can hear my light hearted smirking)
Seriously though I plan on stopping smoking, continuing to abstain (for now anyway) from other smokey substances, to start exercizing with the end result of losing lots of weight (not because I am fat, but because I want to reclaim my body as it was before I quit smoking this time last year, or better yet, reclaim what it was when I was 18!). Maybe I will also find a cure for cancer, write the great american novel and learn to juggle firey torches.
Basically I just want to get in the BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE. I want to reclaim that feeling of being in my prime. I also plan on studying for the Miller's Analogy Test for reasons to be thought more about and then announced here in the future via stream of consciousness blog posts !
In other news, I have finally found great Radiohead tickets. I am supposed to meet the guy Friday night in West Seattle. I am so excited already, but I will wait until I actually have them in my hand before really freaking out in complete joy!!!
Right now I have to admit I am still enjoying smoking. Just a few more days to go, might as well love it until I force myself to stop.
I am so thankful to God for being able to work full time again and for the blessing of being able to live in this beautiful green paradise. I never want to leave the northwest.
Seriously though I plan on stopping smoking, continuing to abstain (for now anyway) from other smokey substances, to start exercizing with the end result of losing lots of weight (not because I am fat, but because I want to reclaim my body as it was before I quit smoking this time last year, or better yet, reclaim what it was when I was 18!). Maybe I will also find a cure for cancer, write the great american novel and learn to juggle firey torches.
Basically I just want to get in the BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE. I want to reclaim that feeling of being in my prime. I also plan on studying for the Miller's Analogy Test for reasons to be thought more about and then announced here in the future via stream of consciousness blog posts !
In other news, I have finally found great Radiohead tickets. I am supposed to meet the guy Friday night in West Seattle. I am so excited already, but I will wait until I actually have them in my hand before really freaking out in complete joy!!!
Right now I have to admit I am still enjoying smoking. Just a few more days to go, might as well love it until I force myself to stop.
I am so thankful to God for being able to work full time again and for the blessing of being able to live in this beautiful green paradise. I never want to leave the northwest.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
good news regarding work
Yesterday my director informed me that another coordinator, one of my colleagues, has given notice and will be taking another job. She then offered me the other coordinator's hours! This is wonderful news! I have no idea how long it will be before they hire another person, but from what I have seen it usually takes about 3 months. There is also a good chance I will be able to permenantly keep some of these hours!
I was so excited when I heard about this, and I must admit, suprised. We just hired this coordinator a few months ago -- I can't believe she is already leaving. I thought it was unprofessional to leave a job before a year was up, but I guess someone made her a much better offer. It's sad though too because she is so nice to work with.
So as it has turned out, I have had a very nice relaxing time off work, which I really did need (a break that is), and have been able to really rest since I have not been working as many hours. Next week I will either be back to five days a week or at least 4, depending on how I schedule my time.
I never in a million years could have forseen this outcome. This whole experience has taught me to have more faith. I knew that was the answer, and I think I was doing pretty good until around last week, when I really started to freak out! So I guess I have learned that I can have faith without blinking for about a month before I start to flip out. :P Not too shabby!
Even though I understand that God wasn't testing me and that this is all about a competitive funding environment and a tough economy, I still have to thank God for these extra hours. It always works out somehow. Thank God!
I was so excited when I heard about this, and I must admit, suprised. We just hired this coordinator a few months ago -- I can't believe she is already leaving. I thought it was unprofessional to leave a job before a year was up, but I guess someone made her a much better offer. It's sad though too because she is so nice to work with.
So as it has turned out, I have had a very nice relaxing time off work, which I really did need (a break that is), and have been able to really rest since I have not been working as many hours. Next week I will either be back to five days a week or at least 4, depending on how I schedule my time.
I never in a million years could have forseen this outcome. This whole experience has taught me to have more faith. I knew that was the answer, and I think I was doing pretty good until around last week, when I really started to freak out! So I guess I have learned that I can have faith without blinking for about a month before I start to flip out. :P Not too shabby!
Even though I understand that God wasn't testing me and that this is all about a competitive funding environment and a tough economy, I still have to thank God for these extra hours. It always works out somehow. Thank God!
Monday, July 21, 2008
more thoughts on the compline service
I am trying to figure out what exactly it is about the Compline service that moves me so much. I hadn't gone in a few weeks, and went last night.
The singing is just so beautiful. It's hard to explain what it sounds like-- angels, I guess, is the best I can do, lame and vague as that sounds.
I sat close to the front looking at the light blue painted walls and stained glass and could hear their voices echoing through the large and open space, watched the glowing candles flickering in the low light.
The music is so beautiful it hurts sometimes, but in a good way. It sounds so pure and filled with love. Listening to it is like being bathed in mercy.
Not every time, but once in awhile, when I sit there listening and praying, I feel all the pain and grief and anger of my life ooze up out of my body and mind from some buried place. Then I feel like God's love is all around me, and that the music-- and the message of the music-- is a kind of healing, like God's healing is all around me and inside of me.
Then it is over almost as quickly as it began and I stumble back out into the world, get into my car, compose myself and crank whatever radio station-- right after I leave there is always this moment where I feel like I need to get reacclimated again to the "real world", whatever that is, and whatever that means.
The singing is just so beautiful. It's hard to explain what it sounds like-- angels, I guess, is the best I can do, lame and vague as that sounds.
I sat close to the front looking at the light blue painted walls and stained glass and could hear their voices echoing through the large and open space, watched the glowing candles flickering in the low light.
The music is so beautiful it hurts sometimes, but in a good way. It sounds so pure and filled with love. Listening to it is like being bathed in mercy.
Not every time, but once in awhile, when I sit there listening and praying, I feel all the pain and grief and anger of my life ooze up out of my body and mind from some buried place. Then I feel like God's love is all around me, and that the music-- and the message of the music-- is a kind of healing, like God's healing is all around me and inside of me.
Then it is over almost as quickly as it began and I stumble back out into the world, get into my car, compose myself and crank whatever radio station-- right after I leave there is always this moment where I feel like I need to get reacclimated again to the "real world", whatever that is, and whatever that means.
Friday, July 18, 2008
long post: faith, thoughts about Denise
Yesterday I started to write a post complaining about a slew of negative seeming things that have been happening in my life. I deleted the post and didn't end up writing my "rant" as I had intended. There is so much in my life to be thankful for that I just decided I didn't need to spend that much time complaining.
Even when I am aggravated or in grief I believe there is a reason and purpose to things, even if we cannot see or understand or know what that purpose is, and even if there is so much that seems purposeless or even absurd.
I want to strive to be loving and thankful and a vessel of peace even when things aren't going good. I don't want to have a kind of fair weather faith.
But I still get into these quiet spell type funks. Lately I don't really want to go to church, even though I am mostly always glad when I do go. I've missed the last two weeks of compline. I think though when I go again I will appreciate it more after having taken a couple weeks off.
About Denise:
I think about her when I brush my teeth. Maybe that's odd sounding. Part of the job was brushing her teeth and she had this electric vibrating toothbrush. Having never used one before, at first i was terrified of somehow hurting her with it. She was so patient and kind and reassuring to me though.
Sometimes, in the very beginning, the toothbrush would be on too high of a level and I would get toothpaste on her face. She always joked about this and I worked hard until I got it right. I would joke that there were two speeds to the toothbrush the "crazy" setting and then the "really crazy" setting. We laughed about this a lot.
because she was paralyzed, she had to be moved to and from bed using this tall metal contraption called a hoyer. I had no experience with it either and it scarred me because I was afraid she might feel pain if I lifted her in the wrong way. I always tried to be gentle. Some of her other caregivers she said wouldn't pay attention and would end up bumping her with it. I promised her I would never bump her and was always so careful-- I never did bump her and I am proud of that.
She was always trying to feed me and give me candy. She liked these sweet and sour lemon Sees Chocolate candies. I liked them too.
She was so kind and sweet and always glowing with love. She always asked me about what was happening in my love life and I always gave it to her straight-- she was so cool, she didn't judge me, she always encouraged me.
She encouraged me about the ministry. When I told her I didn't think I could write sermons she joked that Methodists have a bunch of sermons online and I could just get something off the internet, through in a few personal touches and be good to go! She seemed to believe there was some kind of sermon database the methodists kept online and that pastors often recycled their messages working off stuff they found on the internet. She also told me she thought the church would support me if I decided to go to seminary, as they had with Don. She said everyone she talked to from the church knew about me and loved me. When she said this I actually teared up a little bit. She always made me smile.
She loved her family and her daughters always called every night after she got done eating.
I remember the first time I had to do other care, I didn't know if I would be able to handle it, but I did it fine. I feel like I cared for her in a way that maintained dignity, while at the same time I was able to joke around with her. She was always making jokes about how she wasn't going anywhere. She loved peanut butter and jelly english muffins.
the first time i made her one i put peanut butter on one and jelly on the other and when i went to feed her i asked which one she wanted first- the peanut butter or the jelly. She started laughing so hard, I didn't know why, but she had never heard of separating out the two to each consecutive muffin half and thought it was hilarious. After that I always put both peanut butter AND jelly on each muffin and truth be told, it does taste better that way.
I had this plan of learning how to drive the special van. I thought eventually I could convince her to come with me to church, and that would solve the problem of us missing services-- I thought we could go together. She said she hadn't been to church in years. She didn't talk about God much, but you could just tell God was in her life. I don't really know how to explain it. She glowed and radiated with kindness and care for others.
It all happened so fast. In the middle of May I was asked if I would help do some caregiving for her, and I committed to 3 months. I thought God wanted me to do it. I really, really, really felt so deeply that God wanted me to do it that I was ok giving up church for 3 months to do it. I had no idea that she would pass away so soon, so suddenly seeming to me. I mean I knew she was advanced in her MS, but everything happened so fast. She was supposed to go to Las vegas to see her granddaughter born on the 4th of July.
In the end, she hung on. She was so strong, she clung to life with a kind of dignity I pray that if I was ever in that situation, I would be able to match. She was so strong willed and stubborn and courageous and brave and kind and filled with kindness and love toward others, looking beyond herself even as she came to the end of her life.
I don't know why God wanted me to help her. I'm not mad at God, I'm just sad. I also don't know how to process death. Where is Denise? Where do people go when they die? I don't really believe in some fairy boat heaven where Jesus has tea with you on a cloud, but is there some kind of after life? Where does the person go, the personality, the spirit, the soul, the energy of a person, where does that go? Does it just stop? Where is Denise?
I hope somehow I was able to be comforting to the family, and to be comforting to her other caregiver. i tried hard to check in with people and listened when people wanted to talk.
Maybe those were all reasons why I was supposed to help. One of the last times I saw Denise, I was sitting with her daughter. Denise was asleep. Sunlight filtered through the room. I really felt God's presence, or at least what I perceive to be God's presence. Just then her daughter turned to me and started talking about how hard it is to understand the will of God, what God is doing and why God does it. I strongly felt like I should just be quiet and listen to her. So I did that. I nodded and listened and didn't offer any platitudes or anything. And when she was done talking, she thanked me for listening and gave me a hug. If the only reason I was supposed to help Denise was to be there for her daughter in that one moment, then I am glad I was there.
It is hard to know what God is doing and why God does what God does. It seems like a paradox to be immersed in that kind of complexity- to simultaneously experience God's love and while also continuing to experience underlying uncertainty at the same time. I'm thankful for life. I want to be the kind of person that can praise God even in times of questioning and grief.
Even when I am aggravated or in grief I believe there is a reason and purpose to things, even if we cannot see or understand or know what that purpose is, and even if there is so much that seems purposeless or even absurd.
I want to strive to be loving and thankful and a vessel of peace even when things aren't going good. I don't want to have a kind of fair weather faith.
But I still get into these quiet spell type funks. Lately I don't really want to go to church, even though I am mostly always glad when I do go. I've missed the last two weeks of compline. I think though when I go again I will appreciate it more after having taken a couple weeks off.
About Denise:
I think about her when I brush my teeth. Maybe that's odd sounding. Part of the job was brushing her teeth and she had this electric vibrating toothbrush. Having never used one before, at first i was terrified of somehow hurting her with it. She was so patient and kind and reassuring to me though.
Sometimes, in the very beginning, the toothbrush would be on too high of a level and I would get toothpaste on her face. She always joked about this and I worked hard until I got it right. I would joke that there were two speeds to the toothbrush the "crazy" setting and then the "really crazy" setting. We laughed about this a lot.
because she was paralyzed, she had to be moved to and from bed using this tall metal contraption called a hoyer. I had no experience with it either and it scarred me because I was afraid she might feel pain if I lifted her in the wrong way. I always tried to be gentle. Some of her other caregivers she said wouldn't pay attention and would end up bumping her with it. I promised her I would never bump her and was always so careful-- I never did bump her and I am proud of that.
She was always trying to feed me and give me candy. She liked these sweet and sour lemon Sees Chocolate candies. I liked them too.
She was so kind and sweet and always glowing with love. She always asked me about what was happening in my love life and I always gave it to her straight-- she was so cool, she didn't judge me, she always encouraged me.
She encouraged me about the ministry. When I told her I didn't think I could write sermons she joked that Methodists have a bunch of sermons online and I could just get something off the internet, through in a few personal touches and be good to go! She seemed to believe there was some kind of sermon database the methodists kept online and that pastors often recycled their messages working off stuff they found on the internet. She also told me she thought the church would support me if I decided to go to seminary, as they had with Don. She said everyone she talked to from the church knew about me and loved me. When she said this I actually teared up a little bit. She always made me smile.
She loved her family and her daughters always called every night after she got done eating.
I remember the first time I had to do other care, I didn't know if I would be able to handle it, but I did it fine. I feel like I cared for her in a way that maintained dignity, while at the same time I was able to joke around with her. She was always making jokes about how she wasn't going anywhere. She loved peanut butter and jelly english muffins.
the first time i made her one i put peanut butter on one and jelly on the other and when i went to feed her i asked which one she wanted first- the peanut butter or the jelly. She started laughing so hard, I didn't know why, but she had never heard of separating out the two to each consecutive muffin half and thought it was hilarious. After that I always put both peanut butter AND jelly on each muffin and truth be told, it does taste better that way.
I had this plan of learning how to drive the special van. I thought eventually I could convince her to come with me to church, and that would solve the problem of us missing services-- I thought we could go together. She said she hadn't been to church in years. She didn't talk about God much, but you could just tell God was in her life. I don't really know how to explain it. She glowed and radiated with kindness and care for others.
It all happened so fast. In the middle of May I was asked if I would help do some caregiving for her, and I committed to 3 months. I thought God wanted me to do it. I really, really, really felt so deeply that God wanted me to do it that I was ok giving up church for 3 months to do it. I had no idea that she would pass away so soon, so suddenly seeming to me. I mean I knew she was advanced in her MS, but everything happened so fast. She was supposed to go to Las vegas to see her granddaughter born on the 4th of July.
In the end, she hung on. She was so strong, she clung to life with a kind of dignity I pray that if I was ever in that situation, I would be able to match. She was so strong willed and stubborn and courageous and brave and kind and filled with kindness and love toward others, looking beyond herself even as she came to the end of her life.
I don't know why God wanted me to help her. I'm not mad at God, I'm just sad. I also don't know how to process death. Where is Denise? Where do people go when they die? I don't really believe in some fairy boat heaven where Jesus has tea with you on a cloud, but is there some kind of after life? Where does the person go, the personality, the spirit, the soul, the energy of a person, where does that go? Does it just stop? Where is Denise?
I hope somehow I was able to be comforting to the family, and to be comforting to her other caregiver. i tried hard to check in with people and listened when people wanted to talk.
Maybe those were all reasons why I was supposed to help. One of the last times I saw Denise, I was sitting with her daughter. Denise was asleep. Sunlight filtered through the room. I really felt God's presence, or at least what I perceive to be God's presence. Just then her daughter turned to me and started talking about how hard it is to understand the will of God, what God is doing and why God does it. I strongly felt like I should just be quiet and listen to her. So I did that. I nodded and listened and didn't offer any platitudes or anything. And when she was done talking, she thanked me for listening and gave me a hug. If the only reason I was supposed to help Denise was to be there for her daughter in that one moment, then I am glad I was there.
It is hard to know what God is doing and why God does what God does. It seems like a paradox to be immersed in that kind of complexity- to simultaneously experience God's love and while also continuing to experience underlying uncertainty at the same time. I'm thankful for life. I want to be the kind of person that can praise God even in times of questioning and grief.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
hot hot hot
It's really hot out. I'm sitting inside in the cooler part of the house, eating my roommates jelly beans and feeling like a lazy lump.
I think I am going to Lena Lake right now. Maybe I will even swim after the hike. I bet if I floor it, I can make it to the lake by 7pm and still have time to hike down before dark.
Clyde the cat apparently doesn't like the idea. He just jumped up on my lap and is climbing up my shoulder purring into my hair. Sometimes I wish I could slap a leash on him and take him for walks like a dog.
Ah well. Off to the Olympics. I've got to start making the best of these nonstop 4 day weekends.
I think I am going to Lena Lake right now. Maybe I will even swim after the hike. I bet if I floor it, I can make it to the lake by 7pm and still have time to hike down before dark.
Clyde the cat apparently doesn't like the idea. He just jumped up on my lap and is climbing up my shoulder purring into my hair. Sometimes I wish I could slap a leash on him and take him for walks like a dog.
Ah well. Off to the Olympics. I've got to start making the best of these nonstop 4 day weekends.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
my life options: from "evangelizing the youth" (whatever the hell that means) to the msw to moving and more!
So beloved folks, my faithful readers of all this non-thought to non-sense, as I am sure you are aware since you read my blog, my hours at my non-profit were cut July 1st from 40 to 25. I thought it may be helpful for me to consider my options in light of this recent development. So here are some options I have been brainstorming-- I am listing them here to help myself sort things out, and also of course for your reading enjoyment!
1. Keep the job, enjoy endless 4 day weekends (as I am only working Weds, Thurs and Friday). In my free time, before the rain returns, use my non stop 4 day weekends to hike, take pictures, volunteer, and think (the last of course being the most dangerous, second only to prayer, which i won't even mention, being that is the kind of mood i am in!) When the rain returns 1. look for another job or ?????????????????????
2. Aggressively seek other employment locally looking at positions I am well-qualified for... I have been looking at all kinds of jobs here and on the peninsula that I believe I could likely land an interview for: education jobs, jobs in volunteer recruitment, some non MSW case manager jobs (very competitive), other literacy organizations etc.
3. Aggressively seek other employment anywhere in the US, specially looking at positions in my field. I have a higher chance of being hired this way because my degree would be more competitive. At the same time I love where I live currently and don't want to leave if I can help it.
4. Try to get an entry level job in another field arguing my reasons in creative cover letters that will likely be thrown away. It was this train of thought that led me toward looking into various ministry positions that don't require the Divinity/Theology degree but just want you to provide a damn good reason why you want the job. One of these jobs I was looking at listed a main job duty of "evangelizing the youth community". I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound too good to me. I also don't know what they mean when they say "a proven track record demonstrating increasing faith in Jesus Christ". Hmmm :)
5. Graduate school. Oh, but what oh what should I study? Social work, human resources, theology, comparative religion, interdisciplinary humanities, non profit management, public administration or English literature? Shit maybe I should go back to school and take classes to become an auto mechanic, because at least if i got THAT credential I could rest peacefully knowing I'd be able to get a good job.
6. Get another job to supplement my lost income while keeping my current job.
My cats walk through the house meowing, meowing, sounding as lost as I feel right now.
Maybe I should move to Iowa and live close to my adopted parents while becoming a farm hand. I bet my cats could live in a random barn. I don't know what to do! I think I could at least get interviews for better positions than my current one, but even the closest opening are 45- hour away. Should I apply anyway? Should I go back to Michigan? Should I move to Alaska? Should I apply to "evangelize the youth"? Maybe I should start keeping a daily diary documenting my ever growing "relationship with Christ" just in case I ever need to fax it in as a supplement to my resume and cover letter :P
Sept 2007- present Larger in Christ (than before),
2002-2007 Sabbatical in Christ (distance education certification)
ETC
1. Keep the job, enjoy endless 4 day weekends (as I am only working Weds, Thurs and Friday). In my free time, before the rain returns, use my non stop 4 day weekends to hike, take pictures, volunteer, and think (the last of course being the most dangerous, second only to prayer, which i won't even mention, being that is the kind of mood i am in!) When the rain returns 1. look for another job or ?????????????????????
2. Aggressively seek other employment locally looking at positions I am well-qualified for... I have been looking at all kinds of jobs here and on the peninsula that I believe I could likely land an interview for: education jobs, jobs in volunteer recruitment, some non MSW case manager jobs (very competitive), other literacy organizations etc.
3. Aggressively seek other employment anywhere in the US, specially looking at positions in my field. I have a higher chance of being hired this way because my degree would be more competitive. At the same time I love where I live currently and don't want to leave if I can help it.
4. Try to get an entry level job in another field arguing my reasons in creative cover letters that will likely be thrown away. It was this train of thought that led me toward looking into various ministry positions that don't require the Divinity/Theology degree but just want you to provide a damn good reason why you want the job. One of these jobs I was looking at listed a main job duty of "evangelizing the youth community". I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound too good to me. I also don't know what they mean when they say "a proven track record demonstrating increasing faith in Jesus Christ". Hmmm :)
5. Graduate school. Oh, but what oh what should I study? Social work, human resources, theology, comparative religion, interdisciplinary humanities, non profit management, public administration or English literature? Shit maybe I should go back to school and take classes to become an auto mechanic, because at least if i got THAT credential I could rest peacefully knowing I'd be able to get a good job.
6. Get another job to supplement my lost income while keeping my current job.
My cats walk through the house meowing, meowing, sounding as lost as I feel right now.
Maybe I should move to Iowa and live close to my adopted parents while becoming a farm hand. I bet my cats could live in a random barn. I don't know what to do! I think I could at least get interviews for better positions than my current one, but even the closest opening are 45- hour away. Should I apply anyway? Should I go back to Michigan? Should I move to Alaska? Should I apply to "evangelize the youth"? Maybe I should start keeping a daily diary documenting my ever growing "relationship with Christ" just in case I ever need to fax it in as a supplement to my resume and cover letter :P
Sept 2007- present Larger in Christ (than before),
2002-2007 Sabbatical in Christ (distance education certification)
ETC
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
life: the plan is to marvel
EDIT: LOL so much for this plan :P (see 7/9 post)
My mom is here visiting which is wonderful. Today we went up to Seattle and did a bunch of fun touristy things that I have avoided doing for many years including the Space Needle. We saw the fish throwers at the Market, and went to the Experience Music Project museum (and got into the science fiction museum as a bonus!). Then we had a nice late lunch and sampled different beers, including Red Hook, which was both of our favorites and something I'd never tried before.
As far as religion/spirituality goes, I've sort of been wildly vacillating again between extraordinary leaps of faith and then quiet but deep burst of funk. With my hours cut at work I have been thinking more about graduate school for fall 2009. I am not sure if that is the best idea, or if moving for a better job would be more reasonable. I am not sure if I am called into the ministry, at least the ordained ministry, or social work, or human resources, or teaching or anything.
I feel called to stop smoking, start hiking again, stop smoking so much damn weed and to stop self-treating (albeit in small doses) the pain I feel over Denise, over my job, over my relationship with Evan and over poor choices I made with best intentions. Lately I've had this epiphany that I am doing ok but I need to do better, to take better care of myself, to be good to myself and find healthy ways to cope with stress, to take time to be alone, and then maybe it will become more clear what God wants me to do. Not because there's this legalistic list of things or because God won't call me when I am smoking or whatever, but just because that's what I think I am suppose to do-- basically love myself enough not to engage in potentially destructive behaviors, a variety of which, I have come to love sampling.
At the same time, I have an easier time trusting God, trusting that things will work out, trusting that even though I don't understand God has a plan, trusting basically. I know God is smarter and much funnier than me and that makes things easier, and sometimes even merciful seeming.
I am looking forward to quitting smoking soon after my mom leaves, and looking forward to taking the extra time I am not working to take hikes and photographs and to be in a state of marvel over creation.
My mom is here visiting which is wonderful. Today we went up to Seattle and did a bunch of fun touristy things that I have avoided doing for many years including the Space Needle. We saw the fish throwers at the Market, and went to the Experience Music Project museum (and got into the science fiction museum as a bonus!). Then we had a nice late lunch and sampled different beers, including Red Hook, which was both of our favorites and something I'd never tried before.
As far as religion/spirituality goes, I've sort of been wildly vacillating again between extraordinary leaps of faith and then quiet but deep burst of funk. With my hours cut at work I have been thinking more about graduate school for fall 2009. I am not sure if that is the best idea, or if moving for a better job would be more reasonable. I am not sure if I am called into the ministry, at least the ordained ministry, or social work, or human resources, or teaching or anything.
I feel called to stop smoking, start hiking again, stop smoking so much damn weed and to stop self-treating (albeit in small doses) the pain I feel over Denise, over my job, over my relationship with Evan and over poor choices I made with best intentions. Lately I've had this epiphany that I am doing ok but I need to do better, to take better care of myself, to be good to myself and find healthy ways to cope with stress, to take time to be alone, and then maybe it will become more clear what God wants me to do. Not because there's this legalistic list of things or because God won't call me when I am smoking or whatever, but just because that's what I think I am suppose to do-- basically love myself enough not to engage in potentially destructive behaviors, a variety of which, I have come to love sampling.
At the same time, I have an easier time trusting God, trusting that things will work out, trusting that even though I don't understand God has a plan, trusting basically. I know God is smarter and much funnier than me and that makes things easier, and sometimes even merciful seeming.
I am looking forward to quitting smoking soon after my mom leaves, and looking forward to taking the extra time I am not working to take hikes and photographs and to be in a state of marvel over creation.
Monday, June 23, 2008
things i thought were beautiful
-the kid on Thomas street bouncing up and down in the sunshine on a pogo stick last Friday evening in the middle of a yard full of flowers
-cleaning out my apartment with my ex and feeling a certain kind of peace/closure and joy to be able to do that together. I don' t know what we are doing, but I do know that cleaning together gave me a peace I hadn't felt in a long time.
-the middle aged guy in the fancy lexus jamming out
-hanging out with old friends, drinking, getting high around a camp fire, so much laughter
-the way my cats crept out from under the covers today where they have been hiding since the move, just the way they peered at me with curiosity, beauty and innocence.
-bright orange, deep purple, wonderful flowers. i don't know what they are-- daisies, marigolds, who knows or cares. They were stunning and full of life.
-sundresses and bonnets and laughing children
-blowing bubbles from the balcony of a local church.
-cleaning out my apartment with my ex and feeling a certain kind of peace/closure and joy to be able to do that together. I don' t know what we are doing, but I do know that cleaning together gave me a peace I hadn't felt in a long time.
-the middle aged guy in the fancy lexus jamming out
-hanging out with old friends, drinking, getting high around a camp fire, so much laughter
-the way my cats crept out from under the covers today where they have been hiding since the move, just the way they peered at me with curiosity, beauty and innocence.
-bright orange, deep purple, wonderful flowers. i don't know what they are-- daisies, marigolds, who knows or cares. They were stunning and full of life.
-sundresses and bonnets and laughing children
-blowing bubbles from the balcony of a local church.
The Undertoad
In one of my favorite novels, The World According to Garp, John Irving's main character has a son that mishears the word "undertow" as "under toad." The child imagines that there is a giant Toad living under the ocean and that he occasionally creeps up and grabs people. For the rest of Garp's life, whenever he or his wife have a bad feeling, whenever they sense danger, they darkly joke about feeling like the Under Toad is around.
All this week I had bad things happen to me and to people around me.
We lost half of a grant that funds a good chuck of my hours, and I learned I would go from 40 hours to 25 hours a week July 1. Just like that.
My friend Holly hurt her knee while playing with her brother who was visiting for her graduation. She shattered it in three places and need major surgery. So, in 4 days time, with her mom's help, she packed up everything she owned and moved back to Indiana. Her goodbye party was Friday. I will miss her so much.
On Saturday the woman I do care giving for had to be admitted to the hospital. Tonight she was moved into ICU and the outlook is very grim. I can't go see her because its family only now at this point, though I am getting updates. It's just so sudden. It's so weird. On Saturday before the ambulance came she was asking me about my boy troubles. She asked me how my cats were adjusting to the new place.
I even could have saw her this morning but I didn't. I stayed home from work because I was sick and more than that, on Sunday, at the same moment I was sitting in Christian Education class asking why God didn't save more people, my brother was 8500 feet in the Cascades on Mt Stuart when suddenly he stepped into bad ice, couldn't dig in with his ice pick and fell head over feet 800 feet. Before I say anything else I will say he is OK!!!!
His team said it took less than 15 seconds for him to fall, but Sam said it felt like an eternity. At first, before he lost his pick, he was trying to dig in to stop, then he said he was tried to slow himself down from sliding with his crampons as he was picking up velocity going down the hill. Then he hit something and started to flip going head over feet. At that point Sam said knew he was dead and said his only thought was for it to be over quick. All he saw was sky, snow, sky, snow. He slammed into a group of rocks, slid some more and stopped 4 feet from a cliff with a 1500 foot drop.
Anyway, when I woke up with allergies I decided to stay home and tend to Sam. He sprained both wrists, both ankles and badly bruised his hip. He also has cuts from where he hit the ice. His climbing helmet is completely smashed. But he is ok, thank God.
My mom freaked and she is coming to visit next Monday thru Saturday even though Sam is fine. Part of it I think is that Sam refused to go to the ER after this because he doesn't have insurance and I think mom needs to see for herself that he is ok. Hell, I needed to see for myself that he is ok, and I live with him!
it will be good to see my mom.
anyway, as Garp would say, the Under Toad has been around, but God is still merciful, maybe in the way only God can be. I am so glad my brother is ok.
All this week I had bad things happen to me and to people around me.
We lost half of a grant that funds a good chuck of my hours, and I learned I would go from 40 hours to 25 hours a week July 1. Just like that.
My friend Holly hurt her knee while playing with her brother who was visiting for her graduation. She shattered it in three places and need major surgery. So, in 4 days time, with her mom's help, she packed up everything she owned and moved back to Indiana. Her goodbye party was Friday. I will miss her so much.
On Saturday the woman I do care giving for had to be admitted to the hospital. Tonight she was moved into ICU and the outlook is very grim. I can't go see her because its family only now at this point, though I am getting updates. It's just so sudden. It's so weird. On Saturday before the ambulance came she was asking me about my boy troubles. She asked me how my cats were adjusting to the new place.
I even could have saw her this morning but I didn't. I stayed home from work because I was sick and more than that, on Sunday, at the same moment I was sitting in Christian Education class asking why God didn't save more people, my brother was 8500 feet in the Cascades on Mt Stuart when suddenly he stepped into bad ice, couldn't dig in with his ice pick and fell head over feet 800 feet. Before I say anything else I will say he is OK!!!!
His team said it took less than 15 seconds for him to fall, but Sam said it felt like an eternity. At first, before he lost his pick, he was trying to dig in to stop, then he said he was tried to slow himself down from sliding with his crampons as he was picking up velocity going down the hill. Then he hit something and started to flip going head over feet. At that point Sam said knew he was dead and said his only thought was for it to be over quick. All he saw was sky, snow, sky, snow. He slammed into a group of rocks, slid some more and stopped 4 feet from a cliff with a 1500 foot drop.
Anyway, when I woke up with allergies I decided to stay home and tend to Sam. He sprained both wrists, both ankles and badly bruised his hip. He also has cuts from where he hit the ice. His climbing helmet is completely smashed. But he is ok, thank God.
My mom freaked and she is coming to visit next Monday thru Saturday even though Sam is fine. Part of it I think is that Sam refused to go to the ER after this because he doesn't have insurance and I think mom needs to see for herself that he is ok. Hell, I needed to see for myself that he is ok, and I live with him!
it will be good to see my mom.
anyway, as Garp would say, the Under Toad has been around, but God is still merciful, maybe in the way only God can be. I am so glad my brother is ok.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
completely exhausted: part 2
Packed everything, loaded it into the car. Sam came over and we loaded more stuff. He borrowed Lindsey's truck and we moved the couch, bed, box spring, bookshelf and dresser. Then we came back for the cats. They were and are so terrified. Bonnie crawled into my arms and stuffed her head under my arm, trying to get out of the light. Clyde immediately went and hid behind the bed. I've never seem them so afraid, maybe when they go to the vet, but this time they are even more frightened.
I had to leave them and go help out with the table briefly at Super Saturday, then pack all that crap up into my coworkers car. Now I am back at the apartment-- there is still more stuff to move and I still have to clean, but that might have to wait til Tuesday. I have to run over to the house I am house sitting since I left all my personal stuff there yesterday (hairbrush etc). Then its back to comfort the cats for an hour, then onto Denise's, then onto a graduation party.
I am so tired. I have to keep moving! I feel like if I laid down to sleep I wouldn't get up for days.
I had to leave them and go help out with the table briefly at Super Saturday, then pack all that crap up into my coworkers car. Now I am back at the apartment-- there is still more stuff to move and I still have to clean, but that might have to wait til Tuesday. I have to run over to the house I am house sitting since I left all my personal stuff there yesterday (hairbrush etc). Then its back to comfort the cats for an hour, then onto Denise's, then onto a graduation party.
I am so tired. I have to keep moving! I feel like if I laid down to sleep I wouldn't get up for days.
Friday, June 13, 2008
insomnia
I can't sleep. Maybe there are too many things to think about. I am house sitting again, and just got done watching some weird "christian" religious movie about 4 men investigating UFOs. A couple of the characters become christians and then suddenly discover UFOs are really Satan's way of preventing people from knowing the truth about the rapture, since when that happens (premillennially) people will blame it on UFOs. There is one very strong disbeliever who adamantly refuses this analysis, so his coworkers decide to fake the rapture. In a panic, he starts calling local churches, suddenly convinced the rapture is real and he has missed the boat. Then, as he is getting worked up, his coworkers start laughing and tell him that they just played a prank on him. The movie ends with the hyperreligious coworker meanly suggesting that if the man didn't really believe in God, then he had nothing to fear... right?
It was one screwed up movie. I don't even know why I watched it. As these people were trying to get everyone to "accept Jesus", it was so insidious. I kept realizing that they weren't really talking about.." accepting Christ"-- whatever that means-- anyway, they were talking about accepting a whole ideology-- one that said UFOS 1. existed, 2. were demonic 3. were in existence to prevent people from "knowing Christ" (whatever that means. They also were very conservative characters, and it seemed that "accepting Jesus" would also include accepting this political stance as well. W-e-i-r-d.
I've packed almost everything now back at my apartment. The big move is Saturday. Also, I have to do a shift for Super Saturday and then take care of Denise. The next day, Sunday, I unexpectedly have to take care of Denise again because the other girl flaked out. Then my friend Holly asked if she could come to church with me since her grandfather is in town. I was so honored she thought of me. So I will do that, then go back to Denise, then go back to the apartment to clean more, and then go back to Denise again. The next day will be Monday, back to work, also softball. Tuesday, more work. Wednesday more work. I don't really see an end in sight.
This weekend is father's day. One volunteer I scheduled an interview today wanted to know how I was going to honor my father-- if he was still alive. I didn't say anything. That is generally my policy when people ask me about my father. Sometimes, once in awhile, I will refer to my father in the past tense. This has led people to think my father is dead, which he might as well be, which would be more merciful, at least in the way I could conceptualize and think about, and process my grief. Father's day always sucks, some years it has been as bad as Christmas, but honestly this year I am too busy to think about it, I am too exhausted with other things. Thank God.
It was one screwed up movie. I don't even know why I watched it. As these people were trying to get everyone to "accept Jesus", it was so insidious. I kept realizing that they weren't really talking about.." accepting Christ"-- whatever that means-- anyway, they were talking about accepting a whole ideology-- one that said UFOS 1. existed, 2. were demonic 3. were in existence to prevent people from "knowing Christ" (whatever that means. They also were very conservative characters, and it seemed that "accepting Jesus" would also include accepting this political stance as well. W-e-i-r-d.
I've packed almost everything now back at my apartment. The big move is Saturday. Also, I have to do a shift for Super Saturday and then take care of Denise. The next day, Sunday, I unexpectedly have to take care of Denise again because the other girl flaked out. Then my friend Holly asked if she could come to church with me since her grandfather is in town. I was so honored she thought of me. So I will do that, then go back to Denise, then go back to the apartment to clean more, and then go back to Denise again. The next day will be Monday, back to work, also softball. Tuesday, more work. Wednesday more work. I don't really see an end in sight.
This weekend is father's day. One volunteer I scheduled an interview today wanted to know how I was going to honor my father-- if he was still alive. I didn't say anything. That is generally my policy when people ask me about my father. Sometimes, once in awhile, I will refer to my father in the past tense. This has led people to think my father is dead, which he might as well be, which would be more merciful, at least in the way I could conceptualize and think about, and process my grief. Father's day always sucks, some years it has been as bad as Christmas, but honestly this year I am too busy to think about it, I am too exhausted with other things. Thank God.
Monday, June 9, 2008
more boys, and an arrested witch
I love the town I live in. I just saw a man dressed as a witch pull down a tree and then get into a debate with a cop about Camus. All of it was so surreal. At first I thought, maybe this man dressed as a witch is homeless and then I thought, no. No, Maria. He is not homeless. He is just dressed as a witch and destroying trees, and this nice cop is just preserving order. What a fucking yuppie I have turned into, siding with the man! I hope that they let the witch go, whoever he is.
Boys are trouble. How I have lived 26 years on this earth and only recently concluded this, I don't know, but boys are trouble. I feel like I have some fairy dust on me making men attracted to me lately. Maybe it's just because I have been in a relationship for so long, and because I have always had low self-esteem. I just can't handle anymore drama. Like I told a friend, when hottie smiled at me I thought for the first time today "you are trouble, all of you are trouble!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't know what I am looking for, but it feels damn good to have a beer. It feels good NOT to be taking care of anyone, not to be working at this moment, not to be advocating or helping anyone at this moment.
Last night I got off from my care giving gig early and went to the compline service at St. John's with a friend. It was so good. I so rarely worship God, but if I am going to, that's usually where it happens. I don't talk to God much anymore, except when I am desperate. I am a binge prayer person, I like to save it all up, even while I consistently have an awareness of God around me.
I don't know why the universe is sending me all this drama. I can't take it. I want to become a nun, the first nun in the Methodist church. I wish I wasn't so confused about what I want or how to be happy.
Sometimes I feel like I could do anything.
Sometimes I just want to cry. I had to work with the jerk guy today. He is such an asshole I am speechless to describe just how large of an asshole he is! I could not handle the fallout from today without a drink!
On the other hand, it's nice to be grieved about normal things, to be confused about love and relationships. As painful as it is, I find it so much better than the other things I have spent my life grieving.
Still, I don't know what God is trying to tell me, if God is trying to tell me anything at all. Maybe free will is the royal flush. That would mean I win no matter what though, and that is definitely a crock!
Boys are trouble. How I have lived 26 years on this earth and only recently concluded this, I don't know, but boys are trouble. I feel like I have some fairy dust on me making men attracted to me lately. Maybe it's just because I have been in a relationship for so long, and because I have always had low self-esteem. I just can't handle anymore drama. Like I told a friend, when hottie smiled at me I thought for the first time today "you are trouble, all of you are trouble!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't know what I am looking for, but it feels damn good to have a beer. It feels good NOT to be taking care of anyone, not to be working at this moment, not to be advocating or helping anyone at this moment.
Last night I got off from my care giving gig early and went to the compline service at St. John's with a friend. It was so good. I so rarely worship God, but if I am going to, that's usually where it happens. I don't talk to God much anymore, except when I am desperate. I am a binge prayer person, I like to save it all up, even while I consistently have an awareness of God around me.
I don't know why the universe is sending me all this drama. I can't take it. I want to become a nun, the first nun in the Methodist church. I wish I wasn't so confused about what I want or how to be happy.
Sometimes I feel like I could do anything.
Sometimes I just want to cry. I had to work with the jerk guy today. He is such an asshole I am speechless to describe just how large of an asshole he is! I could not handle the fallout from today without a drink!
On the other hand, it's nice to be grieved about normal things, to be confused about love and relationships. As painful as it is, I find it so much better than the other things I have spent my life grieving.
Still, I don't know what God is trying to tell me, if God is trying to tell me anything at all. Maybe free will is the royal flush. That would mean I win no matter what though, and that is definitely a crock!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
everything in its right place
In case I forget to mention it, the title of the post is inspired by my desire to see Radiohead in Seattle at the end of August so badly I am willing to pay $150 + for a ticket. Since it is only a few days before my birthday, it will be my gift to myself. They sold out so quickly-- I was at work and totally forgot to get a ticket. I knew they would sell out immediately. But I don't care. I think I would pay up to 250 to see them. Who knows when they will be back in Seattle again.
I am going to be moving. I am slowly packing up my crap. I have no time to pack and don't know when I will make time, all the while the moving date creeps closer. I am moving in with my brother and two friends. Moving will net me almost $600 dollars in savings a month, and I am looking forward to having a life again.
Things are nuts. I should be writing an eval for our intern right now, but I just need to breathe. At 6:30pm I will go to the care giving gig. The woman is so kind and I genuinely love her. It's just so crazy with my schedule, I don't know how long I can keep doing this.
Today we had church for 5 hours. It was the pastor's going away party. I am really going to miss that guy! I had the awesome job of taking care of their dog during the hoopla and it was lots of fun. Their dog is one of those dogs that is so damn cute it makes you happy just to look at it.
I miss my small group already, even though this is the first night I will have to miss.
I have so much to do I just don't know where to begin. Thankfully I found someone to replace me for doing the Quixote calendar for a few months.
My ex-partner/fiance/boyfriend came up to get more of his stuff that I have found. I had this revelation in my middle of last week about my needs and different things that went wrong in the relationship. After things ended with jerk-guy, I was suddenly I lot more certain about what I wanted. So when Evan came up I thought, what the hell, we still love each, we still love parts of each other and we have so much history. Why not try. Why not try to make it work. I don't know if it will work or not, I don't even know what "working it out" would look like or mean. But we had a good, healing, easy time together. It was great. I have no expectations. I had so many when we were together and now I have sincerely none. No one can accuse me of not living life, of not risking it all over and over again.
I'll let Thom take it away, on his way to heaven in a little row boat.
I am going to be moving. I am slowly packing up my crap. I have no time to pack and don't know when I will make time, all the while the moving date creeps closer. I am moving in with my brother and two friends. Moving will net me almost $600 dollars in savings a month, and I am looking forward to having a life again.
Things are nuts. I should be writing an eval for our intern right now, but I just need to breathe. At 6:30pm I will go to the care giving gig. The woman is so kind and I genuinely love her. It's just so crazy with my schedule, I don't know how long I can keep doing this.
Today we had church for 5 hours. It was the pastor's going away party. I am really going to miss that guy! I had the awesome job of taking care of their dog during the hoopla and it was lots of fun. Their dog is one of those dogs that is so damn cute it makes you happy just to look at it.
I miss my small group already, even though this is the first night I will have to miss.
I have so much to do I just don't know where to begin. Thankfully I found someone to replace me for doing the Quixote calendar for a few months.
My ex-partner/fiance/boyfriend came up to get more of his stuff that I have found. I had this revelation in my middle of last week about my needs and different things that went wrong in the relationship. After things ended with jerk-guy, I was suddenly I lot more certain about what I wanted. So when Evan came up I thought, what the hell, we still love each, we still love parts of each other and we have so much history. Why not try. Why not try to make it work. I don't know if it will work or not, I don't even know what "working it out" would look like or mean. But we had a good, healing, easy time together. It was great. I have no expectations. I had so many when we were together and now I have sincerely none. No one can accuse me of not living life, of not risking it all over and over again.
I'll let Thom take it away, on his way to heaven in a little row boat.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
trying to be classy
So I didn't tell the jerk guy off. Instead I was polite, even kind. I dare say I almost forgive him. Afterall, it always takes two to tango. Or does it? I certain can tango my way downtown right now and get a drink, and that would be solo, so maybe it only takes one to tango.
I am so exhausted. I pulled off my second solo event tonight. It was an awards and recognition gathering for our literacy volunteers and students. I can't believe everything worked out with how crazy my life has been. At the last minute I even remembered flowers for the other coordinators!
I also was able to book space at my church for a future ESL training after the first site reservation fell through.
Tomorrow I am going to carpool to work, then back to Oly to work as a sub for the lady I am doing caregiving for. Then there may or may not be a meeting I will attend for 25 minutes since I can't stay longer. Also, I need to remember to buy a good bye card for our pastor. I need to somehow get this card into the hands of people meeting at 6:30. I have to be at the lady's house at 6:30. Okay, this is why God invented email and telephones right?!
Also, I am moving out of my overpriced apartment and into a 4 bedroom house with my brother and 2 friends. This way I will only have 275 in rent and bills COMBINED instead of the like, well 700 plus 55 for internet, plus 150 for utilities I am paying right now. Soon I anticipate having a life again and being able to have gas money to do things like, I don't know, go to church. I don't know how I have made it financially since Evan left. In any event, I need to move ASAP, either this weekend or next. I need cardboard boxes. I need to remember to organize people for Super Saturday. I need to remember Evan is coming this weekend to get the last of his stuff. I need to remember to be kind to EVERYONE. I need to remember not to drive to the casino and spent 150 in blackjack like right now, because that would be insane, right?
Really though, things are ok. If I can just pack up my cats, do my jobs, not let the quixote calendar go to hell and somehow find myself in the bliss of the third week of this month, all will be bliss. Well, that's my narrative anyway and I am sticking to it.
I am so exhausted. I pulled off my second solo event tonight. It was an awards and recognition gathering for our literacy volunteers and students. I can't believe everything worked out with how crazy my life has been. At the last minute I even remembered flowers for the other coordinators!
I also was able to book space at my church for a future ESL training after the first site reservation fell through.
Tomorrow I am going to carpool to work, then back to Oly to work as a sub for the lady I am doing caregiving for. Then there may or may not be a meeting I will attend for 25 minutes since I can't stay longer. Also, I need to remember to buy a good bye card for our pastor. I need to somehow get this card into the hands of people meeting at 6:30. I have to be at the lady's house at 6:30. Okay, this is why God invented email and telephones right?!
Also, I am moving out of my overpriced apartment and into a 4 bedroom house with my brother and 2 friends. This way I will only have 275 in rent and bills COMBINED instead of the like, well 700 plus 55 for internet, plus 150 for utilities I am paying right now. Soon I anticipate having a life again and being able to have gas money to do things like, I don't know, go to church. I don't know how I have made it financially since Evan left. In any event, I need to move ASAP, either this weekend or next. I need cardboard boxes. I need to remember to organize people for Super Saturday. I need to remember Evan is coming this weekend to get the last of his stuff. I need to remember to be kind to EVERYONE. I need to remember not to drive to the casino and spent 150 in blackjack like right now, because that would be insane, right?
Really though, things are ok. If I can just pack up my cats, do my jobs, not let the quixote calendar go to hell and somehow find myself in the bliss of the third week of this month, all will be bliss. Well, that's my narrative anyway and I am sticking to it.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Question/ Look at me, I am such a good christian!
so if I write:
"I would rather gnaw off my own hands and then try to eat nachos with the stubs, than I would let you buy me a drink"
do you think that would effectively communicate how much i dislike a person? Can you think of anything better/ more mean. Google seems to be failing me here people!
Note: I am not going for nice or polite here. I want to be more than unkind. I want to say something that will really hurt this person very very deeply. And what do you know, I am at a loss for what to say! It is not often I find myself hating someone and wanting to cause them pain! So please, I am open to suggestions.....except of course WWJD ;)
I am thinking more along the lines of What Would Chuck Norris do? If I had more muscle and thought I could actually get away with it, I might actually punch this guy in the face. Wow, I have never wanted to hit anyone before, what a revelation of how pissed I am!
See, I don't compartmentalize my spiritual life from the rest of my life and this blog post is proof :P
"I would rather gnaw off my own hands and then try to eat nachos with the stubs, than I would let you buy me a drink"
do you think that would effectively communicate how much i dislike a person? Can you think of anything better/ more mean. Google seems to be failing me here people!
Note: I am not going for nice or polite here. I want to be more than unkind. I want to say something that will really hurt this person very very deeply. And what do you know, I am at a loss for what to say! It is not often I find myself hating someone and wanting to cause them pain! So please, I am open to suggestions.....except of course WWJD ;)
I am thinking more along the lines of What Would Chuck Norris do? If I had more muscle and thought I could actually get away with it, I might actually punch this guy in the face. Wow, I have never wanted to hit anyone before, what a revelation of how pissed I am!
See, I don't compartmentalize my spiritual life from the rest of my life and this blog post is proof :P
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Craving
It's a nice day. Semi-sunny. Gentle breeze. I keep dreaming someone is tapping me on my shoulder and then waking up in the morning to my cat Clyde, sitting on my chest, sneakily yet gently pawing me in the nose (no claw, what a sweetie!). As soon as he realizes I am awake, he knows he's busted for waking me up and sprints down off of the bed with a ME-OW.My house is a disaster. To procrastinate cleaning it, after my new care giving gig I cleaned out my car. To procrastinate further I went to buy a new mop and ended up wasting almost two hours picking out a pretty blue patterned summer dress. On the way back to the apartment I started craving a pineapple drink and knew I would be hitting up the West side taco truck. Man I love that taco truck.
For the hell of it I asked for a super spicy taco (I don't like spicy things) and it was so good. I have no idea what they put on it--and it hurt so much!-- but it was delicious! Chasing it with the pineapple drink almost felt like a religious experience. The burning fizzling was just what I needed. I closed my eyes and briefly imagined I was in Mexico in my pretty new dress dancing some exotic dance.
I have another hour before I have to go back for the caregiving gig. The hours are spread out through out the day. I called my mom at some point too.
I have this restless, lonely feeling. I feel like I need something and don't know what it is. Liquor? Blackjack? A sunburn? A cigarette? A literal roller coaster ride? Driving to the coast and laying in the sand? Swimming in the saltwater until just the moment before hypothermia sets in? Driving to Eastern Washington and making tumble weed sculptures? Moving to Alaska? It's like I need to feel the edge of life, to feeling the actual blood pumping in my veins. Times like this I miss Sleeping Bear dunes in Michigan. I used to go there when I felt this way. I used to climb up the tallest dune, and then jump down, running and falling into Lake Michigan until I felt healed and/or whole again. Maybe I just need to clean my apartment.Wednesday, May 28, 2008
boy drama subsiding, life continues at a fever pitch.
I really don't know how I found time to have such an unusually large amount of boy drama in my life the last couple of months. Hmm. In sum: Just when I thought I was out.....In other news having 3 different calendars finally caught up with me today and I found myself needing to be in 3 places at once. Handled it ok: jobs first then church. I missed the committee meeting by two hours, but at least everyone was understanding. I really thought there was a chance the meeting might still actually be going on at 8:30pm at night, but I guess fortunately for the other committee members, it wasn't!
Found time to catch up on some of my bible reading. Made it through Amos, Jonah and almost through Hosea. Probably the neatest thing was realizing the emphasis on communities and anti-violence in Amos. Through out that whole book God is pissed off because people are killing each other, robbing the poor, and celebrating while it is happening. I don't know what has changed, but this time reading through God seemed merciful instead of vengeful. An unusual experience for me. Normally when I read the Old Testament I do not leave with a nice impression of God.
Also I have been reading with the idea that scripture is the way people back then tried to interpret all kinds of events around them: political, environmental events, wars etc. A lot of times the writers conclude God is doing something, and then try to guess why from within their religious paradigms. It's just neat to read it that way.
Jonah was also cool when I realized the point wasn't about some stupid hypothetical whale (and that dumb whale only takes up 3 verses, which if you ignore, totally improves the story!), but about God's mercy. Jonah actually seems like kind of a jerk. Anyway, there's an update on my "spiritual life". Maybe I shouldn't box it off from the rest of my life.
I am so exhausted!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
the church of christ can't steal me, cuz "i'm so glad to be a methodist" ****
Well, its official. I'm a United Methodist. Really at this point it was just a formality to actually join the church. I've been going to this same church for about a year and a half now. I really wanted to join to seal the deal, especially since the church is about to go through a lot of transition with the pastor leaving. Also, because of my work with many local churches, people always ask me if I'm a Methodist or not and it will be nice to have an answer! Finally, since I go to multiple services and am occasionally tempted into thinking maybe I should instead be a UCer or even a Unitarian, I just wanted to seal the deal before someone tries to make me an actual bribe!
It was so nice to have people welcome me and say nice things. It's really a great church and I feel lucky to be part of such a caring community! Last week in adult education for example, I admitted that I have no 401k. I was the only one there not concerned about retirement, apparently, since afterall, I'm only 26, right! Well today after church an older gentleman from the class come up to me, grabbed my arm and said "Maria, I have been worrying and praying for you all week! You don't have a retirement plan and I am as concerned about that for you as I would be for one of my own kids". I almost started to cry! I just couldn't believe how much this person cared about me!
It was so nice to go out with my good friend Marcy and her parents after church. Lots of jokes about learning the secret methodist handshake, getting my club card and lots of "best wishes with John Wesley" (which is funny, since I am quite a Wesley fan, otherwise, I wouldn't have ever come to the Methodist church in the first place! I guess it just feels nice to have this settled so I don't think about well, "should i join the church or not" so much. I even had a few seconds of cold feet after christian education class, where the class had spent the morning talking about veterans and supporting the troops. Not that I don't support the troops or anything, I just felt, well, immersed in diverse opinion, how's that? But it's okay. I don't have to agree with everyone. Diversity, difference of opinion, being exposed to a multiplicity of viewpoints is good in the end.
In general I am doing a lot better. Looking forward to playing softball in a few weeks, nervous about basically not being able to go to church for a few months though because of my new weekend job. But what I will refer to from here as the "recent boy drama" aka "turns out the guy was a phenomenal jerk" stuff has subsided. The only time my faith doesn't work is when I forget about grace. I get so wrapped up in doing good deeds, people telling me I am such a great person, I start to feel maybe too good about myself, and then when I really fuck up (and not even on purpose) or when something goes wrong I wonder why it is happening, am shocked. It's grace and undeserved mercy from God that motivates me to help people, to be engaged in my community. It's not because I am a good person! And it's grace and mercy from God that I should allow to comfort me when I screw up, or when other peoples actions out of my control affect my life in a painful way. Easier said than remembered!
****not sure if those are the lyrics to the "go methodists" song or not, but i still think it is too funny that there is a song like that!
It was so nice to have people welcome me and say nice things. It's really a great church and I feel lucky to be part of such a caring community! Last week in adult education for example, I admitted that I have no 401k. I was the only one there not concerned about retirement, apparently, since afterall, I'm only 26, right! Well today after church an older gentleman from the class come up to me, grabbed my arm and said "Maria, I have been worrying and praying for you all week! You don't have a retirement plan and I am as concerned about that for you as I would be for one of my own kids". I almost started to cry! I just couldn't believe how much this person cared about me!
It was so nice to go out with my good friend Marcy and her parents after church. Lots of jokes about learning the secret methodist handshake, getting my club card and lots of "best wishes with John Wesley" (which is funny, since I am quite a Wesley fan, otherwise, I wouldn't have ever come to the Methodist church in the first place! I guess it just feels nice to have this settled so I don't think about well, "should i join the church or not" so much. I even had a few seconds of cold feet after christian education class, where the class had spent the morning talking about veterans and supporting the troops. Not that I don't support the troops or anything, I just felt, well, immersed in diverse opinion, how's that? But it's okay. I don't have to agree with everyone. Diversity, difference of opinion, being exposed to a multiplicity of viewpoints is good in the end.
In general I am doing a lot better. Looking forward to playing softball in a few weeks, nervous about basically not being able to go to church for a few months though because of my new weekend job. But what I will refer to from here as the "recent boy drama" aka "turns out the guy was a phenomenal jerk" stuff has subsided. The only time my faith doesn't work is when I forget about grace. I get so wrapped up in doing good deeds, people telling me I am such a great person, I start to feel maybe too good about myself, and then when I really fuck up (and not even on purpose) or when something goes wrong I wonder why it is happening, am shocked. It's grace and undeserved mercy from God that motivates me to help people, to be engaged in my community. It's not because I am a good person! And it's grace and mercy from God that I should allow to comfort me when I screw up, or when other peoples actions out of my control affect my life in a painful way. Easier said than remembered!
****not sure if those are the lyrics to the "go methodists" song or not, but i still think it is too funny that there is a song like that!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
joining the church and then giving it up...but for a good reason
So I am hurting for money. Badly. Grant money is running out. Things should get better after July 1st when we start the new year and have more funding, but right now my hours are cut (in theory anyway, really I am just working almost the same amount but getting paid several hundred dollars less a month!)
So I prayed about this and yesterday one of my favorite church people called me out of the blue to ask me if I would take care of a church member with MS. I have no experience doing this and said so, but she has a woman willing to train me. It turns out I know most of her friends- they are all church people too. Today I met with the lady and she is so wonderful! The catch is that the times she needs me to take care of her are every single time I have something church related or could possibly attend church: saturday nights, sunday morning and sunday nights.
I thought about it long and hard. I thought about telling her I couldn't do it because I wanted to go to church. I couldn't say that to her. I felt so strongly that God wanted me to take care of her and to hang out with her, and that this would also be a great way to help supplement my income. So I told her that I could commit for 3 to 4 months and then we could go from there. Even though I am terrified of going without church, I feel peace about it.
So that's how it came to be that I am joining the church this Sunday, but then never going to be there during service (with the exception of our pastors going away party on June 8, where I am also going to read scripture) for the next 3-4 months, maybe longer. What I am giving up is Sunday morning sunday school, sunday morning service my small group (mosaic), and the compline service. I know there is a small group that meets Thursday nights at St. Johns for communion, and the bible class still meets at my church on Wednesdays. Maybe that will be enough. Also, one of my pastors is doing a group I think Mondays on Brian McClaren.. but then I have softball Monday nights starting in June so that might not work.
All I know is that I could NOT tell that woman I would not help her because I wanted to go to church instead. Those words would not come out of my mouth. And I genuinely want to do it. So, hello church membership and goodbye church. It should be interesting and sad and faith developing all at once. I am going to miss the people, the messages, the friendships. But its only for a little while!
So I prayed about this and yesterday one of my favorite church people called me out of the blue to ask me if I would take care of a church member with MS. I have no experience doing this and said so, but she has a woman willing to train me. It turns out I know most of her friends- they are all church people too. Today I met with the lady and she is so wonderful! The catch is that the times she needs me to take care of her are every single time I have something church related or could possibly attend church: saturday nights, sunday morning and sunday nights.
I thought about it long and hard. I thought about telling her I couldn't do it because I wanted to go to church. I couldn't say that to her. I felt so strongly that God wanted me to take care of her and to hang out with her, and that this would also be a great way to help supplement my income. So I told her that I could commit for 3 to 4 months and then we could go from there. Even though I am terrified of going without church, I feel peace about it.
So that's how it came to be that I am joining the church this Sunday, but then never going to be there during service (with the exception of our pastors going away party on June 8, where I am also going to read scripture) for the next 3-4 months, maybe longer. What I am giving up is Sunday morning sunday school, sunday morning service my small group (mosaic), and the compline service. I know there is a small group that meets Thursday nights at St. Johns for communion, and the bible class still meets at my church on Wednesdays. Maybe that will be enough. Also, one of my pastors is doing a group I think Mondays on Brian McClaren.. but then I have softball Monday nights starting in June so that might not work.
All I know is that I could NOT tell that woman I would not help her because I wanted to go to church instead. Those words would not come out of my mouth. And I genuinely want to do it. So, hello church membership and goodbye church. It should be interesting and sad and faith developing all at once. I am going to miss the people, the messages, the friendships. But its only for a little while!
Monday, May 12, 2008
ADD in church, stupid life lessons and softball
I'm the kind of person that tries to guess what the present is before I open it. With my relationship with God I am also the kind of person that tries to guess what God may be trying to tell me or teach me in specific situations. Lately I have been not doing such a great job at guessing! It's only after I do some really fucked up thing that I pause and realize, "well, at least I know what God WASNT trying to teach me!"
Lately I have ADD in church. I drool through the doxologies and zone out during angelic chanting. During prayer I think cynical thoughts and wonder how pissed God may or may not be for various mistakes I've made; its like being an evangelical 19 year old again! I'm not sure how to fix this.
How do you discern and follow the will of God when God also seems zoned out from earth, absent, whatever. I know, I believe God exists, that I have a relationship with God. But I think its possible to get caught up in doing good deeds and just turn down the volume on trying to listen or even care about what God might think. It's sort of like coming around full circle. When I was younger I ended up leaving the faith for a variety of reasons, but the number one reason was because it wasn't working for me and I didn't want to be a hypocrite.
Old age seems to have made me much more comfortable with hypocrisy!
Lately I have ADD in church. I drool through the doxologies and zone out during angelic chanting. During prayer I think cynical thoughts and wonder how pissed God may or may not be for various mistakes I've made; its like being an evangelical 19 year old again! I'm not sure how to fix this.
How do you discern and follow the will of God when God also seems zoned out from earth, absent, whatever. I know, I believe God exists, that I have a relationship with God. But I think its possible to get caught up in doing good deeds and just turn down the volume on trying to listen or even care about what God might think. It's sort of like coming around full circle. When I was younger I ended up leaving the faith for a variety of reasons, but the number one reason was because it wasn't working for me and I didn't want to be a hypocrite.
Old age seems to have made me much more comfortable with hypocrisy!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
update: i have abandoned my blog!
I've sort of abandoned this blog for a new secret diary kind of blog. How hilarious is that? Why do I need to write my thoughts on the internet anyway? I guess I don't want them on my computer..
Anyway I just didn't feel like I could write here anymore with as much honesty I need. I think what I really need is a journal that I can write in for a few days and then burn!
All and all, life is good! Dating a great guy, dealing with family crap, being poor, trying to do as many good deeds as possible as well as my actual job and then figure out why I still coming up feeling empty sometimes!@ AH well, its part of life. I just have to wait to get into my mid 30s, then maybe i won't feel so much damn ANGST all of the freaking time!
asdoijasfaj
Anyway I just didn't feel like I could write here anymore with as much honesty I need. I think what I really need is a journal that I can write in for a few days and then burn!
All and all, life is good! Dating a great guy, dealing with family crap, being poor, trying to do as many good deeds as possible as well as my actual job and then figure out why I still coming up feeling empty sometimes!@ AH well, its part of life. I just have to wait to get into my mid 30s, then maybe i won't feel so much damn ANGST all of the freaking time!
asdoijasfaj
Thursday, May 1, 2008
The Abstraction Poem
this is a poem i have been working on and off again on since 2004. It is what it is, i guess. I sort of want to be done with it, so i am posting it.
The Abstraction Poem
The Abstraction Poem
I.
They were. That's two not one.
Two separate impressions.
Two trees standing next to each other. They disagreed
on the level that one or both were level.
Both upright, both upright they were both so up
right. They both were.
Hummed one there were two separate trees standing or shifting
toward each other toward a position where they could not see each other
there together in a forest. They were never
they were never anything but these two
trees in a silent forest where the soil was deep.
Someone said the silence was always
a forest, that it was hard to see the silence
for the trees. Someone else was the silence.
Then there was rain and there was pain.
Someone was happy but it was not recorded.
Someone else searched for the meaning of this other
but then they could not. I cannot.
I was that person but I am not.
He is that person but he was not.
We were two trees and two rains falling silently in a forest silence.
There were two trees, she spoke. She swore
I swore there were two trees but he said you said there were not.
There was rain and
noisy sadness. He She We They were two
separate and never decibel spoke the same.
Each rain a different pain or happiness.
Each rain falling in a different direction.
Each rain a different disaster.
II
Once I took a poetry class
where they said it was a good idea
and an interesting exercise to create
a poem where the entire first half
of the poem lied. Then, accordingly,
you could come clean in the second part
and develop this honest tone of voice
and through this honest tone of voice the poem
could take on a tone of redemption.
Have I redeemed myself yet? I tried
to figure out if I should say what those trees
and disaster meant, lie about them
or try to force more ambiguous meaning
into what ambiguity was already there. Was it
there? Is that ambiguous? Am I redeemed?
Even today I am not even sure I can say what it all meant
though I understand the mercy in silence.
Can you understand?
I am not lying but I still do not know
of any particular truth behind these things.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Faith
NOTE: Looking back at this post, I have to laugh out loud. The guy I was seeing when I wrote this post turned out to be a total asshole, ,maybe more kindly put, a gigantic chicken! Even though it hurts, I love irony, and had to edit this post so I can remember later. So note to self: stay away from bad boy chicken! Sunday, May 25 '08
I took a deep breath and opened the freezer. There it was, tucked in the back corner--among other frightening and freezer burned items--a box of opened and unfinished Banquet chicken. Quickly offering up a prayer of thanks to God that nothing looked alive or too much like a science experiment, I made a list of reasons why it would okay for me to eat the chicken.
I thought about how hungry I was. I hadn't eaten anything all day, was in dire need of some kind of protein source, and I didn't have the money to order out again. I reasoned that anything cooked at 400 degrees for 50 minutes would be safe to eat. And I needed to start eating at home again. Since my partner and I separated, I had been avoiding the place all together. It was simply too painful to spend much time there.
But things had to change.
For one thing, I was beginning to crave making dinner and even cookies again, at home. I deeply wanted to be able to have friends over again, to make brownies for my brother and his friends. I had visions of finally and reorganizing my apartment and making it immaculate, of ridding it of everything that was old or no longer useful. I wanted to be able to feel comfortable in my own space again, to make the rooms warm and comfortable. I longed to open the blinds again and to enjoy the new beginning of another merciful spring.
But after this vision of new hope, I looked in the freezer and all I saw was that damn chicken.
I think the faith journey is sometimes like this-- by the grace of God we have some kind of restored vision, God gives us a glimpse of a different way of living and being made new. But then we look around and all we see is old chicken! And then it seems impossible to discern what we really need spiritually--is it the chicken? Or is it something new we don't have yet or maybe can't even imagine having?
I believe many people experience hunger for God, for community and for healing. And there are certainly a lot of food items laying around for us to choose from. We have the freedom to engage in wild experiments, to see what really fulfills us. Of all the food items in my house that day the chicken certainly held the most promise. Ultimately though, I ended up eating a bit of it and deciding, no, in fact, I needed something totally new! Maybe someone with a more common sense would've realized this sooner!
In any event, I am comforted.
If I had enough faith to attempt eating that scary chicken, I think I can muster enough faith to believe that God has a larger plan for me to actively participate in-- one of love and joy and hope and rebirth--and other things that I know I could not create or imagine on my own. That's not to say there isn't struggle.
But I deeply hope and believe that God guides and gives us wisdom. If only we can resist becoming chickens ourselves, or even playing chicken with God, no matter what our Creator is calling us to do!
I took a deep breath and opened the freezer. There it was, tucked in the back corner--among other frightening and freezer burned items--a box of opened and unfinished Banquet chicken. Quickly offering up a prayer of thanks to God that nothing looked alive or too much like a science experiment, I made a list of reasons why it would okay for me to eat the chicken.
I thought about how hungry I was. I hadn't eaten anything all day, was in dire need of some kind of protein source, and I didn't have the money to order out again. I reasoned that anything cooked at 400 degrees for 50 minutes would be safe to eat. And I needed to start eating at home again. Since my partner and I separated, I had been avoiding the place all together. It was simply too painful to spend much time there.
But things had to change.
For one thing, I was beginning to crave making dinner and even cookies again, at home. I deeply wanted to be able to have friends over again, to make brownies for my brother and his friends. I had visions of finally and reorganizing my apartment and making it immaculate, of ridding it of everything that was old or no longer useful. I wanted to be able to feel comfortable in my own space again, to make the rooms warm and comfortable. I longed to open the blinds again and to enjoy the new beginning of another merciful spring.
But after this vision of new hope, I looked in the freezer and all I saw was that damn chicken.
I think the faith journey is sometimes like this-- by the grace of God we have some kind of restored vision, God gives us a glimpse of a different way of living and being made new. But then we look around and all we see is old chicken! And then it seems impossible to discern what we really need spiritually--is it the chicken? Or is it something new we don't have yet or maybe can't even imagine having?
I believe many people experience hunger for God, for community and for healing. And there are certainly a lot of food items laying around for us to choose from. We have the freedom to engage in wild experiments, to see what really fulfills us. Of all the food items in my house that day the chicken certainly held the most promise. Ultimately though, I ended up eating a bit of it and deciding, no, in fact, I needed something totally new! Maybe someone with a more common sense would've realized this sooner!
In any event, I am comforted.
If I had enough faith to attempt eating that scary chicken, I think I can muster enough faith to believe that God has a larger plan for me to actively participate in-- one of love and joy and hope and rebirth--and other things that I know I could not create or imagine on my own. That's not to say there isn't struggle.
But I deeply hope and believe that God guides and gives us wisdom. If only we can resist becoming chickens ourselves, or even playing chicken with God, no matter what our Creator is calling us to do!
Monday, April 21, 2008
tall fall re call
i'm the 1
A.M. prayer collect call
outlasting 3
blasphemous hours at leastA.M. prayer collect call
outlasting 3
i pretend during the day you turn down
the listening part of your godhead
to mute the sounds i make--
later near the unmade bed
i kneel in
i'm born again
then stupid me i think
that i see can again
bind up my blind mind
your gift is abstract time
and i'm high as the future
Friday, April 18, 2008
whoa...
the days are flying by.... things have been at a fever pitch at work and with my volunteer work.... i have planned an escape from all my responsibilities on may 16.... may 16.... may 16.... must keep going!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
more grace
condensed version of the story: i needed a car on very short notice and didn't know where i would get one. Then God gave me the car below!! Isn't that cool?! The last car that I felt like God "gave" me was the 1996 Geo. Click here to read about all the fun i had in that :)
Sunday, April 13, 2008
spring
Not sure where to start or what to write. I feel filled up with thankfulness and gratitude for life and for the mercy and compassion I have been shown by others.
I know what I write here must come across as gloomy oftentimes. I am not exactly sure who is reading my blog at this point-- though I was recently surprised to find out that 20 people are subscribed through RSS feed (thanks to feedburner)! I was pretty convinced only one or two people were reading here anymore, so it was pretty neat to find out otherwise!
Anyway I just wanted to write that I am fine. I am more than fine actually. It sounds foreign and weird to say these next words, and I don't say them lightly, but I really know that God has been working in my life in a very powerful way. More and more I am having experiences that strengthen my faith and give me understanding about God's love and grace.
So um, all of that sounds nice, you may be thinking, but what the hell exactly does it mean? I used to hate when people would say stuff like that because it didn't make any sense. It sounded jargony. It sounded untrue. It sounded like something OTHER than my experience of God. So what do I mean?
Things like....going to church to volunteer, seeing someone else volunteering and starting to feel like I didn't need to come to church... and then having a person in need walk in the door a minute later and being able to help them... and realizing if that other person hadn't been there I wouldn't have been able to leave the church with the person who needed help. Things like talking to strangers and people in deep pain and being able to just be there, to just be comforting. I realize that because of my own pain, I can understand and help others.
Today in church the sermon was about compassion. As I was listening to it I realized that I am in a kind of reciprocal agreement with God. Maybe this doesn't make sense. What I mean is that I feel people have shown me mercy and compassion and have helped me, very often in the name of their faith, and in the name of God, and I feel like because of that, I am bound to do the same for others as an expression of my own faith. "Bound" is a weird term. It implies an obligation, and hmm I guess maybe I am "obligated"!
But i don't like that. I don't like the word "obligation". My faith is not an "obligation". Maybe its the same way a marriage works. You can pull out the piece of paper and talk about your commitments and obligations, but that's never what a good marriage is.
Lately I have realized that I am motivated by God's love and mercy in my own life.
That still sounds like a lot of jargon I guess, but its a start.
I know what I write here must come across as gloomy oftentimes. I am not exactly sure who is reading my blog at this point-- though I was recently surprised to find out that 20 people are subscribed through RSS feed (thanks to feedburner)! I was pretty convinced only one or two people were reading here anymore, so it was pretty neat to find out otherwise!
Anyway I just wanted to write that I am fine. I am more than fine actually. It sounds foreign and weird to say these next words, and I don't say them lightly, but I really know that God has been working in my life in a very powerful way. More and more I am having experiences that strengthen my faith and give me understanding about God's love and grace.
So um, all of that sounds nice, you may be thinking, but what the hell exactly does it mean? I used to hate when people would say stuff like that because it didn't make any sense. It sounded jargony. It sounded untrue. It sounded like something OTHER than my experience of God. So what do I mean?
Things like....going to church to volunteer, seeing someone else volunteering and starting to feel like I didn't need to come to church... and then having a person in need walk in the door a minute later and being able to help them... and realizing if that other person hadn't been there I wouldn't have been able to leave the church with the person who needed help. Things like talking to strangers and people in deep pain and being able to just be there, to just be comforting. I realize that because of my own pain, I can understand and help others.
Today in church the sermon was about compassion. As I was listening to it I realized that I am in a kind of reciprocal agreement with God. Maybe this doesn't make sense. What I mean is that I feel people have shown me mercy and compassion and have helped me, very often in the name of their faith, and in the name of God, and I feel like because of that, I am bound to do the same for others as an expression of my own faith. "Bound" is a weird term. It implies an obligation, and hmm I guess maybe I am "obligated"!
But i don't like that. I don't like the word "obligation". My faith is not an "obligation". Maybe its the same way a marriage works. You can pull out the piece of paper and talk about your commitments and obligations, but that's never what a good marriage is.
Lately I have realized that I am motivated by God's love and mercy in my own life.
That still sounds like a lot of jargon I guess, but its a start.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
poem
is there any reason I am on fire?
you ask me while my eyes
are closed while the heat and light
breaks through in bright (what else)
orange and red, i go
right through, I see the source
of my own blood,
of my own course. Then trouble
you too of course
then your own blood;
all trouble!
But have you ever known
that eager, undeniable, willing
sort of seeing? In the mourning
it slips up above the edge
and you start saying Oh my God
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
when God speaks, part 2
I had to make another post because the first one became too long.
Last night I went out to the lady's house I am house-sitting out in the woods and looked at my denomination's 900 page "so you want to go into the ministry in our denomination eh?" manual.
I read through this psych eval where they seem to penalize you for having divorced parents and other stuff and analyze every detail of your life. They look at you and divide your life into different skill areas. It seems like there must be some kind of points system. I wonder how many points "dad murdered grandfather" would get me?
Anyway it only took a couple of hours of looking at this terrifying document to realize that there was NO WAY I would be able to make it through the process. I wrote to my pastor and told him I had made a mistake and definitely was not called into ordained ministry.
Then today while driving to work, I started to think that maybe I am called to something, as I believe we all are, but just not to this. I started to think about poetry and about all the beautiful forms of poetry there are. I thought about sonnets and about all of the rules there are for writing structured poetry. And then I thought about free verse, and how there are technically no rules, but how you have to have an awareness of rules to do it well. And I thought to myself, if my calling is a kind of poem I am more like Howl and less like the structured process my denomination has people take. And I realized that it okay. In fact, its kind of cool.
Later today day I had a meeting that was planned at the last minute with an advocate I care deeply for and respect. She asked me to help coordinate a new work study we received through the college to help with our advocacy for the homeless. After we had met with the work study we continued to talk.
Out of the blue she asked me the question I have been asked before, the question that used to freak me out. And it goes like this: "Maria, have you ever thought about going into the ministry?" Then she started to tell me about the Unitarian church.
I told her I was shy. She said I was NOT shy, that I spoke up at every injustice, that I spoke for the voiceless, the powerless, that I did not tolerate injustice. She told me I had the Spirit of Christ and that the world needs pastors that actually love and have compassion for people.
It was all I could do not to cry. I knew it was God speaking back to me, answering me in a way that I would recognize. This happened less than 24 hours after I had told this other pastor that I was not called. God spoke to me through this woman. I realized that maybe she is right. But how could it be possible?
I really am one fucked up, traumatized individual. I know that I am half crazy. But damn I know what its like to suffer. I want to spend my life trying to ease people's pain, trying to give joy and hope to people. But how can I do that when a lot of the time that is not my own experience?
I guess I need this kind of peace always in my life and its just not always there. I want to experience God more than I do and help others get closer to the kind of peace that I sometimes feel, the kind of peace that i know, beyond a doubt, is from God.
Last night I went out to the lady's house I am house-sitting out in the woods and looked at my denomination's 900 page "so you want to go into the ministry in our denomination eh?" manual.
I read through this psych eval where they seem to penalize you for having divorced parents and other stuff and analyze every detail of your life. They look at you and divide your life into different skill areas. It seems like there must be some kind of points system. I wonder how many points "dad murdered grandfather" would get me?
Anyway it only took a couple of hours of looking at this terrifying document to realize that there was NO WAY I would be able to make it through the process. I wrote to my pastor and told him I had made a mistake and definitely was not called into ordained ministry.
Then today while driving to work, I started to think that maybe I am called to something, as I believe we all are, but just not to this. I started to think about poetry and about all the beautiful forms of poetry there are. I thought about sonnets and about all of the rules there are for writing structured poetry. And then I thought about free verse, and how there are technically no rules, but how you have to have an awareness of rules to do it well. And I thought to myself, if my calling is a kind of poem I am more like Howl and less like the structured process my denomination has people take. And I realized that it okay. In fact, its kind of cool.
Later today day I had a meeting that was planned at the last minute with an advocate I care deeply for and respect. She asked me to help coordinate a new work study we received through the college to help with our advocacy for the homeless. After we had met with the work study we continued to talk.
Out of the blue she asked me the question I have been asked before, the question that used to freak me out. And it goes like this: "Maria, have you ever thought about going into the ministry?" Then she started to tell me about the Unitarian church.
I told her I was shy. She said I was NOT shy, that I spoke up at every injustice, that I spoke for the voiceless, the powerless, that I did not tolerate injustice. She told me I had the Spirit of Christ and that the world needs pastors that actually love and have compassion for people.
It was all I could do not to cry. I knew it was God speaking back to me, answering me in a way that I would recognize. This happened less than 24 hours after I had told this other pastor that I was not called. God spoke to me through this woman. I realized that maybe she is right. But how could it be possible?
I really am one fucked up, traumatized individual. I know that I am half crazy. But damn I know what its like to suffer. I want to spend my life trying to ease people's pain, trying to give joy and hope to people. But how can I do that when a lot of the time that is not my own experience?
I guess I need this kind of peace always in my life and its just not always there. I want to experience God more than I do and help others get closer to the kind of peace that I sometimes feel, the kind of peace that i know, beyond a doubt, is from God.
when the God speaks, part 1
Lately I have been depressed. Depressed over the emptiness I feel in my life. It has been very confusing for me because my life is so full. How could I feel so empty? How could I feel like everything is so meaningless? But I did/do.
I feel angry at God for everything I have had to live through, even though I realize its futile. The last few days have been depressing in particular. Work has been crazy. The fallout from my relationship has been coming through in different weird ways. God taught me a little lesson the other day, luckily a kind one, one about just how quickly I would give up all kinds of responsibilities and self-respect, just to have one wild night with a guy (that didn't end up happening).
I finally went and saw a therapist. She said that I am an incredibly strong woman that has excelled at burying my pain and that when I feel emotionally numb it may be because I shut myself off from my emotions, and just focus on achieving. And truly, when she sat there and repeated back to me all the various things I told her I lived through, especially the part about my dad, I didn't feel anything at all. It felt like someone else's life. I certainly FELT like I SHOULD be alarmed, but I was completely numb.
Unfortunately though she said all of it just builds up like a pressure cooker (and she had this neat prop ready) and unless I let some of the pressure out, something bad will happen. Anyway just talking to her about this was very difficult, and I left feeling really crappy.
I realized she was right though. Stuff just boils over sometimes. I can think of instances. Once, a few months ago, I was sitting in church and in front of me there was a dad and his maybe 8 year old daughter. He suddenly put his hands on her hair to smooth it down. When I saw this, for whatever reason, I started crying in grief. It comes up and over me at weird times when I am unprepared to experience it.
I think this is because I haven't dealt with it.
I feel angry at God for everything I have had to live through, even though I realize its futile. The last few days have been depressing in particular. Work has been crazy. The fallout from my relationship has been coming through in different weird ways. God taught me a little lesson the other day, luckily a kind one, one about just how quickly I would give up all kinds of responsibilities and self-respect, just to have one wild night with a guy (that didn't end up happening).
I finally went and saw a therapist. She said that I am an incredibly strong woman that has excelled at burying my pain and that when I feel emotionally numb it may be because I shut myself off from my emotions, and just focus on achieving. And truly, when she sat there and repeated back to me all the various things I told her I lived through, especially the part about my dad, I didn't feel anything at all. It felt like someone else's life. I certainly FELT like I SHOULD be alarmed, but I was completely numb.
Unfortunately though she said all of it just builds up like a pressure cooker (and she had this neat prop ready) and unless I let some of the pressure out, something bad will happen. Anyway just talking to her about this was very difficult, and I left feeling really crappy.
I realized she was right though. Stuff just boils over sometimes. I can think of instances. Once, a few months ago, I was sitting in church and in front of me there was a dad and his maybe 8 year old daughter. He suddenly put his hands on her hair to smooth it down. When I saw this, for whatever reason, I started crying in grief. It comes up and over me at weird times when I am unprepared to experience it.
I think this is because I haven't dealt with it.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
grief and the alaska option
I've always wanted to go to Alaska...someday. A few days ago I was at a coffee shop sitting at the bar talking with a friend. I was talking briefly about my breakup. The barista chimed in and asked me if I had tried rearranging the furniture in my apartment. I said I had and that it wasn't working anymore. Then he said a series of things that shocked me. If you know me you know that I am not shocked easily.He suggested that I could go to Alaska. In response I said that I had heard once you go to Alaska you never come back. Then he told me that a girl broke his heart in five years ago and he finally had to leave town. He said he was so depressed he went to Alaska and worked on a fishing boat for two years nonstop. He said that after that the idea of coming back home didn't bother him anymore, he was so happy to be off the damn boat and out of the miserable cold.
So. I guess there's the Alaska option. I wonder what the "Alaska option" would be for me. For now though, Fiona Apple, red wine, workaholic-ism, prayer and the occasional cigarette will have to do. What would intense grief make you do? .....Is it REALLY always true that wherever you go there you are?
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Rain by Claribel Alegría (translated by Margaret S. Peden)
As the falling raintrickles among the stonesmemories come bubbling out.It's as if the rainhad pierced my temples.Streamingstreaming chaoticallycome memories:the reedy voiceof the servanttelling me talesof ghosts.They sat beside methe ghostsand the bed creakedthat purple-dark afternoonwhen I learned you were leaving forever,a gleaming pebblefrom constant rubbingbecomes a comet.Rain is fallingfallingand memories keep flooding bythey show me a senselessworld a voraciousworld--abyssambushwhirlwindspurbut I keep loving itbecause I dobecause of my five sensesbecause of my amazementbecause every morning, because forever, I have loved itwithout knowing why.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
time to go to Iowa
whenever i really need clarity in my life, i go visit my adopted/ spiritual parents in the heart of middle america in the middle of absolute nowhere. i used to do this a lot more when i was still in michigan. unfortunately it is a lot more difficult to visit since i moved out west.but now i am starting to really feel the need for clarity and direction. i'm starting to look at plane tickets and imagine myself getting lost in cornfields and lots of homemade cooking. its always a lot of JESUS, but in a good way. maybe at the end of april. maybe in the beginning of may.
all i know is that i need to get the HELL out of here and be able to clear my head. i wish i could take more than a few days. maybe if i am lucky i can get three or four days off tacked onto a weekend. pray for my boss to be generous!
where do you like to go when you need to really think/get away/ get some serious spiritual direction/ reflect/ feel loved?
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
evangelism: part two
I don't have much time to write another post, but I don't feel like my faith is stupid/embarrassing, at least not recently. I think I have a different idea of what Christianity is/ a different experience. Even so, there is so much baggage that comes with the religion, its hard to share with others. I'm not sure I will ever be very good at sharing my faith. I want to get better at doing this in ways that aren't bullshit and/or offensive.
I should put a quarter into a jar every time I say that I "want to get better at sharing my faith". Maybe then after a couple of years I'd have enough to buy myself a book with an emerging perspective on the subject!
I should put a quarter into a jar every time I say that I "want to get better at sharing my faith". Maybe then after a couple of years I'd have enough to buy myself a book with an emerging perspective on the subject!
evangelism
My job requires a high level of organization. I have two different calendars; a monthly calendar and then a weekly/daily calendar that sometimes scarily has tasks and meetings that account for each hour of the day.Lately in addition to coordinating volunteers I have been doing student coordination. This means doing student intake and testing in addition to my other responsibilities with volunteers (recruiting, screening, matching, supporting). Since there is no office for our program in this county, I am constantly carrying around 75 pounds worth of files, forms, lesson plan stuff etc.
To make a long story short, my boss told me a month ago that I could get something from Staples so I wouldn't have to carry so much stuff. I could get a suitcase or some kind of rolling file to pull around all the stuff I have to have on me in order to do my job. Sounds great, right?
But I didn't do it. I kept carrying all the stuff around with me because I happen to think its dorky and that it looks stupid to have so much crap to carry around you have to have a suitcase. I didn't want to be one of those people walking around with a suitcase full of files. I just think it looks stupid. Its embarrassing to pull one of those things around.
I think this is an analogy (however terrible) for how I often feel about Christianity. A lot of times I feel like Christianity is this stupid crate I need to have because I can't get by without it.
That's changing some, slowly. As I experience the faith as something that isn't only embarrassing to profess, but something actually life giving and healing, I feel less like I am pulling around some stupid crate that makes me look like an idiot.
God forgive me.
I finally got the crate. I needed it.
I still resent pulling it around though.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
churchapalooza: Easter edition...and the final tally is...
12 services in 72 hours. I couldn't subject myself to more than 3 today, so the final tally is 12. Ultimately I'm glad that I got to experience all the different ways various denominations celebrated Easter, but damn that was a lot of church.
in other news, the photo below gets my new Asinine jpg file of the week award. It is supposed to be portraying the spiritual gift of serving others. Enjoy!
in other news, the photo below gets my new Asinine jpg file of the week award. It is supposed to be portraying the spiritual gift of serving others. Enjoy!
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