Monday, June 23, 2008

things i thought were beautiful

-the kid on Thomas street bouncing up and down in the sunshine on a pogo stick last Friday evening in the middle of a yard full of flowers

-cleaning out my apartment with my ex and feeling a certain kind of peace/closure and joy to be able to do that together. I don' t know what we are doing, but I do know that cleaning together gave me a peace I hadn't felt in a long time.

-the middle aged guy in the fancy lexus jamming out

-hanging out with old friends, drinking, getting high around a camp fire, so much laughter

-the way my cats crept out from under the covers today where they have been hiding since the move, just the way they peered at me with curiosity, beauty and innocence.

-bright orange, deep purple, wonderful flowers. i don't know what they are-- daisies, marigolds, who knows or cares. They were stunning and full of life.

-sundresses and bonnets and laughing children

-blowing bubbles from the balcony of a local church.

The Undertoad

In one of my favorite novels, The World According to Garp, John Irving's main character has a son that mishears the word "undertow" as "under toad." The child imagines that there is a giant Toad living under the ocean and that he occasionally creeps up and grabs people. For the rest of Garp's life, whenever he or his wife have a bad feeling, whenever they sense danger, they darkly joke about feeling like the Under Toad is around.

All this week I had bad things happen to me and to people around me.

We lost half of a grant that funds a good chuck of my hours, and I learned I would go from 40 hours to 25 hours a week July 1. Just like that.

My friend Holly hurt her knee while playing with her brother who was visiting for her graduation. She shattered it in three places and need major surgery. So, in 4 days time, with her mom's help, she packed up everything she owned and moved back to Indiana. Her goodbye party was Friday. I will miss her so much.

On Saturday the woman I do care giving for had to be admitted to the hospital. Tonight she was moved into ICU and the outlook is very grim. I can't go see her because its family only now at this point, though I am getting updates. It's just so sudden. It's so weird. On Saturday before the ambulance came she was asking me about my boy troubles. She asked me how my cats were adjusting to the new place.

I even could have saw her this morning but I didn't. I stayed home from work because I was sick and more than that, on Sunday, at the same moment I was sitting in Christian Education class asking why God didn't save more people, my brother was 8500 feet in the Cascades on Mt Stuart when suddenly he stepped into bad ice, couldn't dig in with his ice pick and fell head over feet 800 feet. Before I say anything else I will say he is OK!!!!

His team said it took less than 15 seconds for him to fall, but Sam said it felt like an eternity. At first, before he lost his pick, he was trying to dig in to stop, then he said he was tried to slow himself down from sliding with his crampons as he was picking up velocity going down the hill. Then he hit something and started to flip going head over feet. At that point Sam said knew he was dead and said his only thought was for it to be over quick. All he saw was sky, snow, sky, snow. He slammed into a group of rocks, slid some more and stopped 4 feet from a cliff with a 1500 foot drop.

Anyway, when I woke up with allergies I decided to stay home and tend to Sam. He sprained both wrists, both ankles and badly bruised his hip. He also has cuts from where he hit the ice. His climbing helmet is completely smashed. But he is ok, thank God.

My mom freaked and she is coming to visit next Monday thru Saturday even though Sam is fine. Part of it I think is that Sam refused to go to the ER after this because he doesn't have insurance and I think mom needs to see for herself that he is ok. Hell, I needed to see for myself that he is ok, and I live with him!

it will be good to see my mom.

anyway, as Garp would say, the Under Toad has been around, but God is still merciful, maybe in the way only God can be. I am so glad my brother is ok.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

completely exhausted: part 2

Packed everything, loaded it into the car. Sam came over and we loaded more stuff. He borrowed Lindsey's truck and we moved the couch, bed, box spring, bookshelf and dresser. Then we came back for the cats. They were and are so terrified. Bonnie crawled into my arms and stuffed her head under my arm, trying to get out of the light. Clyde immediately went and hid behind the bed. I've never seem them so afraid, maybe when they go to the vet, but this time they are even more frightened.

I had to leave them and go help out with the table briefly at Super Saturday, then pack all that crap up into my coworkers car. Now I am back at the apartment-- there is still more stuff to move and I still have to clean, but that might have to wait til Tuesday. I have to run over to the house I am house sitting since I left all my personal stuff there yesterday (hairbrush etc). Then its back to comfort the cats for an hour, then onto Denise's, then onto a graduation party.

I am so tired. I have to keep moving! I feel like if I laid down to sleep I wouldn't get up for days.

Friday, June 13, 2008

insomnia

I can't sleep. Maybe there are too many things to think about. I am house sitting again, and just got done watching some weird "christian" religious movie about 4 men investigating UFOs. A couple of the characters become christians and then suddenly discover UFOs are really Satan's way of preventing people from knowing the truth about the rapture, since when that happens (premillennially) people will blame it on UFOs. There is one very strong disbeliever who adamantly refuses this analysis, so his coworkers decide to fake the rapture. In a panic, he starts calling local churches, suddenly convinced the rapture is real and he has missed the boat. Then, as he is getting worked up, his coworkers start laughing and tell him that they just played a prank on him. The movie ends with the hyperreligious coworker meanly suggesting that if the man didn't really believe in God, then he had nothing to fear... right?

It was one screwed up movie. I don't even know why I watched it. As these people were trying to get everyone to "accept Jesus", it was so insidious. I kept realizing that they weren't really talking about.." accepting Christ"-- whatever that means-- anyway, they were talking about accepting a whole ideology-- one that said UFOS 1. existed, 2. were demonic 3. were in existence to prevent people from "knowing Christ" (whatever that means. They also were very conservative characters, and it seemed that "accepting Jesus" would also include accepting this political stance as well. W-e-i-r-d.

I've packed almost everything now back at my apartment. The big move is Saturday. Also, I have to do a shift for Super Saturday and then take care of Denise. The next day, Sunday, I unexpectedly have to take care of Denise again because the other girl flaked out. Then my friend Holly asked if she could come to church with me since her grandfather is in town. I was so honored she thought of me. So I will do that, then go back to Denise, then go back to the apartment to clean more, and then go back to Denise again. The next day will be Monday, back to work, also softball. Tuesday, more work. Wednesday more work. I don't really see an end in sight.

This weekend is father's day. One volunteer I scheduled an interview today wanted to know how I was going to honor my father-- if he was still alive. I didn't say anything. That is generally my policy when people ask me about my father. Sometimes, once in awhile, I will refer to my father in the past tense. This has led people to think my father is dead, which he might as well be, which would be more merciful, at least in the way I could conceptualize and think about, and process my grief. Father's day always sucks, some years it has been as bad as Christmas, but honestly this year I am too busy to think about it, I am too exhausted with other things. Thank God.

Monday, June 9, 2008

more boys, and an arrested witch

I love the town I live in. I just saw a man dressed as a witch pull down a tree and then get into a debate with a cop about Camus. All of it was so surreal. At first I thought, maybe this man dressed as a witch is homeless and then I thought, no. No, Maria. He is not homeless. He is just dressed as a witch and destroying trees, and this nice cop is just preserving order. What a fucking yuppie I have turned into, siding with the man! I hope that they let the witch go, whoever he is.

Boys are trouble. How I have lived 26 years on this earth and only recently concluded this, I don't know, but boys are trouble. I feel like I have some fairy dust on me making men attracted to me lately. Maybe it's just because I have been in a relationship for so long, and because I have always had low self-esteem. I just can't handle anymore drama. Like I told a friend, when hottie smiled at me I thought for the first time today "you are trouble, all of you are trouble!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I don't know what I am looking for, but it feels damn good to have a beer. It feels good NOT to be taking care of anyone, not to be working at this moment, not to be advocating or helping anyone at this moment.

Last night I got off from my care giving gig early and went to the compline service at St. John's with a friend. It was so good. I so rarely worship God, but if I am going to, that's usually where it happens. I don't talk to God much anymore, except when I am desperate. I am a binge prayer person, I like to save it all up, even while I consistently have an awareness of God around me.

I don't know why the universe is sending me all this drama. I can't take it. I want to become a nun, the first nun in the Methodist church. I wish I wasn't so confused about what I want or how to be happy.

Sometimes I feel like I could do anything.

Sometimes I just want to cry. I had to work with the jerk guy today. He is such an asshole I am speechless to describe just how large of an asshole he is! I could not handle the fallout from today without a drink!

On the other hand, it's nice to be grieved about normal things, to be confused about love and relationships. As painful as it is, I find it so much better than the other things I have spent my life grieving.

Still, I don't know what God is trying to tell me, if God is trying to tell me anything at all. Maybe free will is the royal flush. That would mean I win no matter what though, and that is definitely a crock!

Sunday, June 8, 2008

everything in its right place

In case I forget to mention it, the title of the post is inspired by my desire to see Radiohead in Seattle at the end of August so badly I am willing to pay $150 + for a ticket. Since it is only a few days before my birthday, it will be my gift to myself. They sold out so quickly-- I was at work and totally forgot to get a ticket. I knew they would sell out immediately. But I don't care. I think I would pay up to 250 to see them. Who knows when they will be back in Seattle again.

I am going to be moving. I am slowly packing up my crap. I have no time to pack and don't know when I will make time, all the while the moving date creeps closer. I am moving in with my brother and two friends. Moving will net me almost $600 dollars in savings a month, and I am looking forward to having a life again.

Things are nuts. I should be writing an eval for our intern right now, but I just need to breathe. At 6:30pm I will go to the care giving gig. The woman is so kind and I genuinely love her. It's just so crazy with my schedule, I don't know how long I can keep doing this.

Today we had church for 5 hours. It was the pastor's going away party. I am really going to miss that guy! I had the awesome job of taking care of their dog during the hoopla and it was lots of fun. Their dog is one of those dogs that is so damn cute it makes you happy just to look at it.

I miss my small group already, even though this is the first night I will have to miss.

I have so much to do I just don't know where to begin. Thankfully I found someone to replace me for doing the Quixote calendar for a few months.

My ex-partner/fiance/boyfriend came up to get more of his stuff that I have found. I had this revelation in my middle of last week about my needs and different things that went wrong in the relationship. After things ended with jerk-guy, I was suddenly I lot more certain about what I wanted. So when Evan came up I thought, what the hell, we still love each, we still love parts of each other and we have so much history. Why not try. Why not try to make it work. I don't know if it will work or not, I don't even know what "working it out" would look like or mean. But we had a good, healing, easy time together. It was great. I have no expectations. I had so many when we were together and now I have sincerely none. No one can accuse me of not living life, of not risking it all over and over again.

I'll let Thom take it away, on his way to heaven in a little row boat.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

trying to be classy

So I didn't tell the jerk guy off. Instead I was polite, even kind. I dare say I almost forgive him. Afterall, it always takes two to tango. Or does it? I certain can tango my way downtown right now and get a drink, and that would be solo, so maybe it only takes one to tango.

I am so exhausted. I pulled off my second solo event tonight. It was an awards and recognition gathering for our literacy volunteers and students. I can't believe everything worked out with how crazy my life has been. At the last minute I even remembered flowers for the other coordinators!
I also was able to book space at my church for a future ESL training after the first site reservation fell through.

Tomorrow I am going to carpool to work, then back to Oly to work as a sub for the lady I am doing caregiving for. Then there may or may not be a meeting I will attend for 25 minutes since I can't stay longer. Also, I need to remember to buy a good bye card for our pastor. I need to somehow get this card into the hands of people meeting at 6:30. I have to be at the lady's house at 6:30. Okay, this is why God invented email and telephones right?!

Also, I am moving out of my overpriced apartment and into a 4 bedroom house with my brother and 2 friends. This way I will only have 275 in rent and bills COMBINED instead of the like, well 700 plus 55 for internet, plus 150 for utilities I am paying right now. Soon I anticipate having a life again and being able to have gas money to do things like, I don't know, go to church. I don't know how I have made it financially since Evan left. In any event, I need to move ASAP, either this weekend or next. I need cardboard boxes. I need to remember to organize people for Super Saturday. I need to remember Evan is coming this weekend to get the last of his stuff. I need to remember to be kind to EVERYONE. I need to remember not to drive to the casino and spent 150 in blackjack like right now, because that would be insane, right?

Really though, things are ok. If I can just pack up my cats, do my jobs, not let the quixote calendar go to hell and somehow find myself in the bliss of the third week of this month, all will be bliss. Well, that's my narrative anyway and I am sticking to it.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Question/ Look at me, I am such a good christian!

so if I write:

"I would rather gnaw off my own hands and then try to eat nachos with the stubs, than I would let you buy me a drink"

do you think that would effectively communicate how much i dislike a person? Can you think of anything better/ more mean. Google seems to be failing me here people!

Note: I am not going for nice or polite here. I want to be more than unkind. I want to say something that will really hurt this person very very deeply. And what do you know, I am at a loss for what to say! It is not often I find myself hating someone and wanting to cause them pain! So please, I am open to suggestions.....except of course WWJD ;)

I am thinking more along the lines of What Would Chuck Norris do? If I had more muscle and thought I could actually get away with it, I might actually punch this guy in the face. Wow, I have never wanted to hit anyone before, what a revelation of how pissed I am!

See, I don't compartmentalize my spiritual life from the rest of my life and this blog post is proof :P