Sunday, February 21, 2010


i dreamed i was at the Methodist church, to set up for my sister's wedding and my grandmother's funeral. I got done decorating the Great Hall for her wedding, thinking my grandma's funeral was going to be in the sanctuary. Some of my girlfriends were there, but none of my family. An hour before the funeral I went upstairs and there was another funeral happening. I was trying not to get into an argument with the woman there, and still make things work. Then my sister showed up and said there wasn't going to be a wedding. I was upset because I had just finished the room- and then there was already a funeral happening in the sanctuary and people were starting to arrive for my grandmothers funeral.


Friday, February 5, 2010


can you still see this? im turning this site into a private journal and just want to make sure i am the only one who can see it- thanks for info. love ya

Sunday, November 15, 2009


I feel the need to write. A lot. I just need to vent. I abandoned this blog over two years ago (maybe it just feels like that long) because I felt like what I was writing wasn't authentic anymore, and just because I didn't feel like writing anymore.

So what is new? I am working at a different non profit now. Mostly though I want to talk about homeless babies and non competitive pool and chanting and love. Maybe 3 out of 4 won't be bad.

So among other things I have been volunteering overnight at the family emergency shelter. I am a shift lead, on call on Monday nights, and then when other hosts non show, the coordinator calls and asks if I want to fill in. He called me twice this week and I couldn't, so Saturday night, last night, I said yes.

The dynamic of the shelter was different since the last time I volunteered a month ago. This time, there were six babies. At the time it didn't phase me, but today, it really started to bother me. I had another meeting to go to tonight- I have been working with this tent city for the homeless, seperate from the family emergency shelter, and they are trying to get back into a position where they are self-governing (its a long story I can tgo into here). They were talking about whether or not to raise rent to $15 dollars, and there were some residents that don't have any income, and I could see the emotional toll it was taking on them.

At the same time, I am working 3 jobs trying to move into my dream house (a story I will tell soon), and basically going crazy trying to do everything I can to save money so I can pay various pet and move in deposits and first and last on the new place, and all that jazz, and my car just started to making a funny noise today when I shift gears and on and on.

I fought through various emotions, listening, as a representative of my church filling in for someone who couldnt make it, and as a representative for the advocacy group that supports the camp.

(My old roommate that has been in Iraq just unexpectedly knocked on my door, so my story telling was interupted. I am so glad she is ok. I have been praying for her lots).

Basically to sum this up I am ok because of crying, chanting/prayer at the episcopal church because my meeting ended early, laying in the pew looking at the beautiful ceiling really letting it all go and sensing this peaceful pressence, and then a free beer that I almost passed up because i just wanted to say hi to my friends and give them all hugs, which led to non competitive pool with my old college girlfriends, and love.

I can't write anymore because I am too tired. But I feel good. I don't understand why we live in a society that lets people live on the street- babies and the elderly especially. But I believe we can be miracles in each others lives, somehow, maybe. Yeah I believe it.

Friday, September 12, 2008

new blog

hi all! I am going to be moving. My plan is to transfer the pictures, poetry, and better faith/ spirituality posts to the new site. Really I just need a new space. This blog has sort of turned into a diary of sorts, which is fine, but I'd like to redirect my focus to topics dealing with spirituality and the Christian faith. Also, it's just time for a change! A brand new start! So, if you would like the address to my new blog, please email me at maria (dot) garner (at)

I will probably not do much work on the new site til tomorrow, and hopefully will have things up and running by next week. Thanks so much! :)

Monday, September 1, 2008

Thursday, August 28, 2008


I have been having a lot of dreams lately. Dreams of the past, dreams of the present, dreams of the future. Last night I dreamed that I ran into the guy I dated and that he was stricken with sadness and couldn't look me in the eye. At the very end of the dream we made eye contact with each other, seeming to express a kind of mutual understanding of having made a mistake with other and of having forgiven one another. I think I finally have peace about that whole experience/ relationship.

It has been difficult for me to get perspective on the last year of my life. Only in the last month or two have I been able to see how wounded I was from the end of my relationship with Evan. There were several months where I locked myself alone in my apartment and drank too much. There was the blackjack gambling spree I went on for several months, during that same time period, during those nights I didn't want consolation from my friends, and didn't want to be alone in the apartment either. There was that guy that I liked so much, the one I know now was a rebound, and I can admit that it was a rebound now, even though at that time I thought I was smarter than that. I can see how I gave up many things, and started bad habits-- like smoking cigarettes, all over again.

I have other dreams now. I have been thinking about what I want to do, about what would bring me happiness and fulfillment and about how I could best use my gifts and talents to serve others. I love the idea of eventually working for some sort of progressive faith based social services agency. Maybe that would be my dream job.

I always make eye contact with people in my dreams. Sometimes my dreams help me act out and experiment with things I would never do or say in real life. A lot of times my dreams have to do with relationships and life changing decisions I could make.

Especially now, coming up on a year of employment, I feel like I have so many options. It's hard to know what to do. Should I apply to graduate school and study theology, working toward the MDiv so that one day I can work in a faith based capacity toward social change? Should I apply for a better paying job with benefits and wait longer to see if God will somehow lead me in a different direction?

I want to be more in the habit of asking God what God would want me to do, and how I can best help people. I know that is my calling, to help and serve others. Sometimes I forget this and get whiny. I want to do that less. How do we keep from burning out, how do we stay focused and keep our faith alive with all of the depth of love and peace that I know God offers each of us? These are just some random thoughts, some rhetorical questions. It's hard though to let go of the sensation, the inkling, the intuition or feeling that I am very much in the beginning of a life called to service, to be an instrument of God's compassion and mercy.

Monday, August 25, 2008

if I ventured in the slipstream

The other day I got really high and listened to Van Morrison's Astral Weeks. It was the first time I'd listened to the whole album since last fall. It made me remember the grace I felt like I was experiencing back then. I'd ride around the inlet on my bike, stopping to take pictures of the water, the changing leaves, the animals.

It felt like everything around me was a testimony of God's love. I would go hiking with Evan. He would walk way ahead of me and I would have to stop and take pictures of the way the light danced through the trees and made curving shadows. It was like I was fascinated with literal light. I look back at some of the pictures I took last fall and indeed they record hundreds of variations of the two.

Somehow I have lost this awe, this wonderment, that state I was in-- one of bewilderment even, of infatuation stumbling toward anything and everything I even had the slightest idea might be by or of or for God.

I go to church now pretty faithfully. I love the people there. I usually look forward to going, where before I would often dread it. I sit in the same place every week and know how everything is supposed to go. I know the drill, I guess you could say. I feel comfortable there. But I also feel loved.

Sometimes I even think vaguely about God while I am there.

But I miss that deep sense of breathlessness that I got riding around Priest Point Park, taking big deep gulps of life and knowing they were from God.