dreams

I have been having a lot of dreams lately. Dreams of the past, dreams of the present, dreams of the future. Last night I dreamed that I ran into the guy I dated and that he was stricken with sadness and couldn't look me in the eye. At the very end of the dream we made eye contact with each other, seeming to express a kind of mutual understanding of having made a mistake with other and of having forgiven one another. I think I finally have peace about that whole experience/ relationship.

It has been difficult for me to get perspective on the last year of my life. Only in the last month or two have I been able to see how wounded I was from the end of my relationship with Evan. There were several months where I locked myself alone in my apartment and drank too much. There was the blackjack gambling spree I went on for several months, during that same time period, during those nights I didn't want consolation from my friends, and didn't want to be alone in the apartment either. There was that guy that I liked so much, the one I know now was a rebound, and I can admit that it was a rebound now, even though at that time I thought I was smarter than that. I can see how I gave up many things, and started bad habits-- like smoking cigarettes, all over again.

I have other dreams now. I have been thinking about what I want to do, about what would bring me happiness and fulfillment and about how I could best use my gifts and talents to serve others. I love the idea of eventually working for some sort of progressive faith based social services agency. Maybe that would be my dream job.

I always make eye contact with people in my dreams. Sometimes my dreams help me act out and experiment with things I would never do or say in real life. A lot of times my dreams have to do with relationships and life changing decisions I could make.

Especially now, coming up on a year of employment, I feel like I have so many options. It's hard to know what to do. Should I apply to graduate school and study theology, working toward the MDiv so that one day I can work in a faith based capacity toward social change? Should I apply for a better paying job with benefits and wait longer to see if God will somehow lead me in a different direction?

I want to be more in the habit of asking God what God would want me to do, and how I can best help people. I know that is my calling, to help and serve others. Sometimes I forget this and get whiny. I want to do that less. How do we keep from burning out, how do we stay focused and keep our faith alive with all of the depth of love and peace that I know God offers each of us? These are just some random thoughts, some rhetorical questions. It's hard though to let go of the sensation, the inkling, the intuition or feeling that I am very much in the beginning of a life called to service, to be an instrument of God's compassion and mercy.