Wednesday, July 30, 2008
trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble been doggin' my soul, since the day i was born
I'm feeling better. Boys, though, in general, are trouble.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Narcolepsy, nunery, none of the above?
It's rainy and I am in a gloomy mood. I just had an epiphany about how truly fucked up I am when it comes to romantic relationships. It is a pit of despair. How can we ever find who we are looking for, if we don't really know what we want? I don't know what I want, really. I have fantasies of singleness but I hate being alone. I have fantasies of concentrating solely on graduate work and trying to forge some kind of salvageable career out of my life, but then, once in a great while, I think to myself about how I am getting older, how I will be 27 next month. I wonder if I will ever have children. I guess if I ever wanted children and it was too late for me, I could adopt.
The point is, when I connect with a boy somehow, or feel attraction strongly for someone, or am tempted to try to make a relationship work, or whatever the freaking case may in fact be, it seems like all my attention is suddenly focused on this other and what they want, usually anyway. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I don't know what I want.
I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to pursue cheap meaningless relationships that will only end in pain. At the same time, I am pretty independent, and actually pretty selfish sometimes, so maybe its wrong to try and be in a relationship anyway.
All this has me seriously contemplating some form of deliberate non-dating for some unknown amount of time. I just don't know. I feel really vulnerable right now and really weak when it comes to this kind of thing, like I would just go right along with anyone, even for a fling, if they were persistant enough about it. BLAH. I feel so lonely! Sure I can pray I guess. I guess that's what I should do.
Or I can enjoy a little bit of wine and fall into a deep, deep, sleep and maybe it will be sunny again tomorrow, and I will be too busy with work to think about the mistakes I've made.
The point is, when I connect with a boy somehow, or feel attraction strongly for someone, or am tempted to try to make a relationship work, or whatever the freaking case may in fact be, it seems like all my attention is suddenly focused on this other and what they want, usually anyway. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I don't know what I want.
I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to pursue cheap meaningless relationships that will only end in pain. At the same time, I am pretty independent, and actually pretty selfish sometimes, so maybe its wrong to try and be in a relationship anyway.
All this has me seriously contemplating some form of deliberate non-dating for some unknown amount of time. I just don't know. I feel really vulnerable right now and really weak when it comes to this kind of thing, like I would just go right along with anyone, even for a fling, if they were persistant enough about it. BLAH. I feel so lonely! Sure I can pray I guess. I guess that's what I should do.
Or I can enjoy a little bit of wine and fall into a deep, deep, sleep and maybe it will be sunny again tomorrow, and I will be too busy with work to think about the mistakes I've made.
Monday, July 28, 2008
sail to the moon
I really want to make a major life change on August 1st. Oh yeah, I said "LIFE CHANGE"!!!!!!! That's right, I am letting Jesus "take the wheel" on August 1st!!!!!!!! ;) Well, Jesus is already driving some of the time, I've just decided to take a lengthy vacation from the wheel and see where I end up. (I hope all of you dear readers can hear my light hearted smirking)
Seriously though I plan on stopping smoking, continuing to abstain (for now anyway) from other smokey substances, to start exercizing with the end result of losing lots of weight (not because I am fat, but because I want to reclaim my body as it was before I quit smoking this time last year, or better yet, reclaim what it was when I was 18!). Maybe I will also find a cure for cancer, write the great american novel and learn to juggle firey torches.
Basically I just want to get in the BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE. I want to reclaim that feeling of being in my prime. I also plan on studying for the Miller's Analogy Test for reasons to be thought more about and then announced here in the future via stream of consciousness blog posts !
In other news, I have finally found great Radiohead tickets. I am supposed to meet the guy Friday night in West Seattle. I am so excited already, but I will wait until I actually have them in my hand before really freaking out in complete joy!!!
Right now I have to admit I am still enjoying smoking. Just a few more days to go, might as well love it until I force myself to stop.
I am so thankful to God for being able to work full time again and for the blessing of being able to live in this beautiful green paradise. I never want to leave the northwest.
Seriously though I plan on stopping smoking, continuing to abstain (for now anyway) from other smokey substances, to start exercizing with the end result of losing lots of weight (not because I am fat, but because I want to reclaim my body as it was before I quit smoking this time last year, or better yet, reclaim what it was when I was 18!). Maybe I will also find a cure for cancer, write the great american novel and learn to juggle firey torches.
Basically I just want to get in the BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE. I want to reclaim that feeling of being in my prime. I also plan on studying for the Miller's Analogy Test for reasons to be thought more about and then announced here in the future via stream of consciousness blog posts !
In other news, I have finally found great Radiohead tickets. I am supposed to meet the guy Friday night in West Seattle. I am so excited already, but I will wait until I actually have them in my hand before really freaking out in complete joy!!!
Right now I have to admit I am still enjoying smoking. Just a few more days to go, might as well love it until I force myself to stop.
I am so thankful to God for being able to work full time again and for the blessing of being able to live in this beautiful green paradise. I never want to leave the northwest.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
good news regarding work
Yesterday my director informed me that another coordinator, one of my colleagues, has given notice and will be taking another job. She then offered me the other coordinator's hours! This is wonderful news! I have no idea how long it will be before they hire another person, but from what I have seen it usually takes about 3 months. There is also a good chance I will be able to permenantly keep some of these hours!
I was so excited when I heard about this, and I must admit, suprised. We just hired this coordinator a few months ago -- I can't believe she is already leaving. I thought it was unprofessional to leave a job before a year was up, but I guess someone made her a much better offer. It's sad though too because she is so nice to work with.
So as it has turned out, I have had a very nice relaxing time off work, which I really did need (a break that is), and have been able to really rest since I have not been working as many hours. Next week I will either be back to five days a week or at least 4, depending on how I schedule my time.
I never in a million years could have forseen this outcome. This whole experience has taught me to have more faith. I knew that was the answer, and I think I was doing pretty good until around last week, when I really started to freak out! So I guess I have learned that I can have faith without blinking for about a month before I start to flip out. :P Not too shabby!
Even though I understand that God wasn't testing me and that this is all about a competitive funding environment and a tough economy, I still have to thank God for these extra hours. It always works out somehow. Thank God!
I was so excited when I heard about this, and I must admit, suprised. We just hired this coordinator a few months ago -- I can't believe she is already leaving. I thought it was unprofessional to leave a job before a year was up, but I guess someone made her a much better offer. It's sad though too because she is so nice to work with.
So as it has turned out, I have had a very nice relaxing time off work, which I really did need (a break that is), and have been able to really rest since I have not been working as many hours. Next week I will either be back to five days a week or at least 4, depending on how I schedule my time.
I never in a million years could have forseen this outcome. This whole experience has taught me to have more faith. I knew that was the answer, and I think I was doing pretty good until around last week, when I really started to freak out! So I guess I have learned that I can have faith without blinking for about a month before I start to flip out. :P Not too shabby!
Even though I understand that God wasn't testing me and that this is all about a competitive funding environment and a tough economy, I still have to thank God for these extra hours. It always works out somehow. Thank God!
Monday, July 21, 2008
more thoughts on the compline service
I am trying to figure out what exactly it is about the Compline service that moves me so much. I hadn't gone in a few weeks, and went last night.
The singing is just so beautiful. It's hard to explain what it sounds like-- angels, I guess, is the best I can do, lame and vague as that sounds.
I sat close to the front looking at the light blue painted walls and stained glass and could hear their voices echoing through the large and open space, watched the glowing candles flickering in the low light.
The music is so beautiful it hurts sometimes, but in a good way. It sounds so pure and filled with love. Listening to it is like being bathed in mercy.
Not every time, but once in awhile, when I sit there listening and praying, I feel all the pain and grief and anger of my life ooze up out of my body and mind from some buried place. Then I feel like God's love is all around me, and that the music-- and the message of the music-- is a kind of healing, like God's healing is all around me and inside of me.
Then it is over almost as quickly as it began and I stumble back out into the world, get into my car, compose myself and crank whatever radio station-- right after I leave there is always this moment where I feel like I need to get reacclimated again to the "real world", whatever that is, and whatever that means.
The singing is just so beautiful. It's hard to explain what it sounds like-- angels, I guess, is the best I can do, lame and vague as that sounds.
I sat close to the front looking at the light blue painted walls and stained glass and could hear their voices echoing through the large and open space, watched the glowing candles flickering in the low light.
The music is so beautiful it hurts sometimes, but in a good way. It sounds so pure and filled with love. Listening to it is like being bathed in mercy.
Not every time, but once in awhile, when I sit there listening and praying, I feel all the pain and grief and anger of my life ooze up out of my body and mind from some buried place. Then I feel like God's love is all around me, and that the music-- and the message of the music-- is a kind of healing, like God's healing is all around me and inside of me.
Then it is over almost as quickly as it began and I stumble back out into the world, get into my car, compose myself and crank whatever radio station-- right after I leave there is always this moment where I feel like I need to get reacclimated again to the "real world", whatever that is, and whatever that means.
Friday, July 18, 2008
long post: faith, thoughts about Denise
Yesterday I started to write a post complaining about a slew of negative seeming things that have been happening in my life. I deleted the post and didn't end up writing my "rant" as I had intended. There is so much in my life to be thankful for that I just decided I didn't need to spend that much time complaining.
Even when I am aggravated or in grief I believe there is a reason and purpose to things, even if we cannot see or understand or know what that purpose is, and even if there is so much that seems purposeless or even absurd.
I want to strive to be loving and thankful and a vessel of peace even when things aren't going good. I don't want to have a kind of fair weather faith.
But I still get into these quiet spell type funks. Lately I don't really want to go to church, even though I am mostly always glad when I do go. I've missed the last two weeks of compline. I think though when I go again I will appreciate it more after having taken a couple weeks off.
About Denise:
I think about her when I brush my teeth. Maybe that's odd sounding. Part of the job was brushing her teeth and she had this electric vibrating toothbrush. Having never used one before, at first i was terrified of somehow hurting her with it. She was so patient and kind and reassuring to me though.
Sometimes, in the very beginning, the toothbrush would be on too high of a level and I would get toothpaste on her face. She always joked about this and I worked hard until I got it right. I would joke that there were two speeds to the toothbrush the "crazy" setting and then the "really crazy" setting. We laughed about this a lot.
because she was paralyzed, she had to be moved to and from bed using this tall metal contraption called a hoyer. I had no experience with it either and it scarred me because I was afraid she might feel pain if I lifted her in the wrong way. I always tried to be gentle. Some of her other caregivers she said wouldn't pay attention and would end up bumping her with it. I promised her I would never bump her and was always so careful-- I never did bump her and I am proud of that.
She was always trying to feed me and give me candy. She liked these sweet and sour lemon Sees Chocolate candies. I liked them too.
She was so kind and sweet and always glowing with love. She always asked me about what was happening in my love life and I always gave it to her straight-- she was so cool, she didn't judge me, she always encouraged me.
She encouraged me about the ministry. When I told her I didn't think I could write sermons she joked that Methodists have a bunch of sermons online and I could just get something off the internet, through in a few personal touches and be good to go! She seemed to believe there was some kind of sermon database the methodists kept online and that pastors often recycled their messages working off stuff they found on the internet. She also told me she thought the church would support me if I decided to go to seminary, as they had with Don. She said everyone she talked to from the church knew about me and loved me. When she said this I actually teared up a little bit. She always made me smile.
She loved her family and her daughters always called every night after she got done eating.
I remember the first time I had to do other care, I didn't know if I would be able to handle it, but I did it fine. I feel like I cared for her in a way that maintained dignity, while at the same time I was able to joke around with her. She was always making jokes about how she wasn't going anywhere. She loved peanut butter and jelly english muffins.
the first time i made her one i put peanut butter on one and jelly on the other and when i went to feed her i asked which one she wanted first- the peanut butter or the jelly. She started laughing so hard, I didn't know why, but she had never heard of separating out the two to each consecutive muffin half and thought it was hilarious. After that I always put both peanut butter AND jelly on each muffin and truth be told, it does taste better that way.
I had this plan of learning how to drive the special van. I thought eventually I could convince her to come with me to church, and that would solve the problem of us missing services-- I thought we could go together. She said she hadn't been to church in years. She didn't talk about God much, but you could just tell God was in her life. I don't really know how to explain it. She glowed and radiated with kindness and care for others.
It all happened so fast. In the middle of May I was asked if I would help do some caregiving for her, and I committed to 3 months. I thought God wanted me to do it. I really, really, really felt so deeply that God wanted me to do it that I was ok giving up church for 3 months to do it. I had no idea that she would pass away so soon, so suddenly seeming to me. I mean I knew she was advanced in her MS, but everything happened so fast. She was supposed to go to Las vegas to see her granddaughter born on the 4th of July.
In the end, she hung on. She was so strong, she clung to life with a kind of dignity I pray that if I was ever in that situation, I would be able to match. She was so strong willed and stubborn and courageous and brave and kind and filled with kindness and love toward others, looking beyond herself even as she came to the end of her life.
I don't know why God wanted me to help her. I'm not mad at God, I'm just sad. I also don't know how to process death. Where is Denise? Where do people go when they die? I don't really believe in some fairy boat heaven where Jesus has tea with you on a cloud, but is there some kind of after life? Where does the person go, the personality, the spirit, the soul, the energy of a person, where does that go? Does it just stop? Where is Denise?
I hope somehow I was able to be comforting to the family, and to be comforting to her other caregiver. i tried hard to check in with people and listened when people wanted to talk.
Maybe those were all reasons why I was supposed to help. One of the last times I saw Denise, I was sitting with her daughter. Denise was asleep. Sunlight filtered through the room. I really felt God's presence, or at least what I perceive to be God's presence. Just then her daughter turned to me and started talking about how hard it is to understand the will of God, what God is doing and why God does it. I strongly felt like I should just be quiet and listen to her. So I did that. I nodded and listened and didn't offer any platitudes or anything. And when she was done talking, she thanked me for listening and gave me a hug. If the only reason I was supposed to help Denise was to be there for her daughter in that one moment, then I am glad I was there.
It is hard to know what God is doing and why God does what God does. It seems like a paradox to be immersed in that kind of complexity- to simultaneously experience God's love and while also continuing to experience underlying uncertainty at the same time. I'm thankful for life. I want to be the kind of person that can praise God even in times of questioning and grief.
Even when I am aggravated or in grief I believe there is a reason and purpose to things, even if we cannot see or understand or know what that purpose is, and even if there is so much that seems purposeless or even absurd.
I want to strive to be loving and thankful and a vessel of peace even when things aren't going good. I don't want to have a kind of fair weather faith.
But I still get into these quiet spell type funks. Lately I don't really want to go to church, even though I am mostly always glad when I do go. I've missed the last two weeks of compline. I think though when I go again I will appreciate it more after having taken a couple weeks off.
About Denise:
I think about her when I brush my teeth. Maybe that's odd sounding. Part of the job was brushing her teeth and she had this electric vibrating toothbrush. Having never used one before, at first i was terrified of somehow hurting her with it. She was so patient and kind and reassuring to me though.
Sometimes, in the very beginning, the toothbrush would be on too high of a level and I would get toothpaste on her face. She always joked about this and I worked hard until I got it right. I would joke that there were two speeds to the toothbrush the "crazy" setting and then the "really crazy" setting. We laughed about this a lot.
because she was paralyzed, she had to be moved to and from bed using this tall metal contraption called a hoyer. I had no experience with it either and it scarred me because I was afraid she might feel pain if I lifted her in the wrong way. I always tried to be gentle. Some of her other caregivers she said wouldn't pay attention and would end up bumping her with it. I promised her I would never bump her and was always so careful-- I never did bump her and I am proud of that.
She was always trying to feed me and give me candy. She liked these sweet and sour lemon Sees Chocolate candies. I liked them too.
She was so kind and sweet and always glowing with love. She always asked me about what was happening in my love life and I always gave it to her straight-- she was so cool, she didn't judge me, she always encouraged me.
She encouraged me about the ministry. When I told her I didn't think I could write sermons she joked that Methodists have a bunch of sermons online and I could just get something off the internet, through in a few personal touches and be good to go! She seemed to believe there was some kind of sermon database the methodists kept online and that pastors often recycled their messages working off stuff they found on the internet. She also told me she thought the church would support me if I decided to go to seminary, as they had with Don. She said everyone she talked to from the church knew about me and loved me. When she said this I actually teared up a little bit. She always made me smile.
She loved her family and her daughters always called every night after she got done eating.
I remember the first time I had to do other care, I didn't know if I would be able to handle it, but I did it fine. I feel like I cared for her in a way that maintained dignity, while at the same time I was able to joke around with her. She was always making jokes about how she wasn't going anywhere. She loved peanut butter and jelly english muffins.
the first time i made her one i put peanut butter on one and jelly on the other and when i went to feed her i asked which one she wanted first- the peanut butter or the jelly. She started laughing so hard, I didn't know why, but she had never heard of separating out the two to each consecutive muffin half and thought it was hilarious. After that I always put both peanut butter AND jelly on each muffin and truth be told, it does taste better that way.
I had this plan of learning how to drive the special van. I thought eventually I could convince her to come with me to church, and that would solve the problem of us missing services-- I thought we could go together. She said she hadn't been to church in years. She didn't talk about God much, but you could just tell God was in her life. I don't really know how to explain it. She glowed and radiated with kindness and care for others.
It all happened so fast. In the middle of May I was asked if I would help do some caregiving for her, and I committed to 3 months. I thought God wanted me to do it. I really, really, really felt so deeply that God wanted me to do it that I was ok giving up church for 3 months to do it. I had no idea that she would pass away so soon, so suddenly seeming to me. I mean I knew she was advanced in her MS, but everything happened so fast. She was supposed to go to Las vegas to see her granddaughter born on the 4th of July.
In the end, she hung on. She was so strong, she clung to life with a kind of dignity I pray that if I was ever in that situation, I would be able to match. She was so strong willed and stubborn and courageous and brave and kind and filled with kindness and love toward others, looking beyond herself even as she came to the end of her life.
I don't know why God wanted me to help her. I'm not mad at God, I'm just sad. I also don't know how to process death. Where is Denise? Where do people go when they die? I don't really believe in some fairy boat heaven where Jesus has tea with you on a cloud, but is there some kind of after life? Where does the person go, the personality, the spirit, the soul, the energy of a person, where does that go? Does it just stop? Where is Denise?
I hope somehow I was able to be comforting to the family, and to be comforting to her other caregiver. i tried hard to check in with people and listened when people wanted to talk.
Maybe those were all reasons why I was supposed to help. One of the last times I saw Denise, I was sitting with her daughter. Denise was asleep. Sunlight filtered through the room. I really felt God's presence, or at least what I perceive to be God's presence. Just then her daughter turned to me and started talking about how hard it is to understand the will of God, what God is doing and why God does it. I strongly felt like I should just be quiet and listen to her. So I did that. I nodded and listened and didn't offer any platitudes or anything. And when she was done talking, she thanked me for listening and gave me a hug. If the only reason I was supposed to help Denise was to be there for her daughter in that one moment, then I am glad I was there.
It is hard to know what God is doing and why God does what God does. It seems like a paradox to be immersed in that kind of complexity- to simultaneously experience God's love and while also continuing to experience underlying uncertainty at the same time. I'm thankful for life. I want to be the kind of person that can praise God even in times of questioning and grief.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
hot hot hot
It's really hot out. I'm sitting inside in the cooler part of the house, eating my roommates jelly beans and feeling like a lazy lump.
I think I am going to Lena Lake right now. Maybe I will even swim after the hike. I bet if I floor it, I can make it to the lake by 7pm and still have time to hike down before dark.
Clyde the cat apparently doesn't like the idea. He just jumped up on my lap and is climbing up my shoulder purring into my hair. Sometimes I wish I could slap a leash on him and take him for walks like a dog.
Ah well. Off to the Olympics. I've got to start making the best of these nonstop 4 day weekends.
I think I am going to Lena Lake right now. Maybe I will even swim after the hike. I bet if I floor it, I can make it to the lake by 7pm and still have time to hike down before dark.
Clyde the cat apparently doesn't like the idea. He just jumped up on my lap and is climbing up my shoulder purring into my hair. Sometimes I wish I could slap a leash on him and take him for walks like a dog.
Ah well. Off to the Olympics. I've got to start making the best of these nonstop 4 day weekends.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
my life options: from "evangelizing the youth" (whatever the hell that means) to the msw to moving and more!
So beloved folks, my faithful readers of all this non-thought to non-sense, as I am sure you are aware since you read my blog, my hours at my non-profit were cut July 1st from 40 to 25. I thought it may be helpful for me to consider my options in light of this recent development. So here are some options I have been brainstorming-- I am listing them here to help myself sort things out, and also of course for your reading enjoyment!
1. Keep the job, enjoy endless 4 day weekends (as I am only working Weds, Thurs and Friday). In my free time, before the rain returns, use my non stop 4 day weekends to hike, take pictures, volunteer, and think (the last of course being the most dangerous, second only to prayer, which i won't even mention, being that is the kind of mood i am in!) When the rain returns 1. look for another job or ?????????????????????
2. Aggressively seek other employment locally looking at positions I am well-qualified for... I have been looking at all kinds of jobs here and on the peninsula that I believe I could likely land an interview for: education jobs, jobs in volunteer recruitment, some non MSW case manager jobs (very competitive), other literacy organizations etc.
3. Aggressively seek other employment anywhere in the US, specially looking at positions in my field. I have a higher chance of being hired this way because my degree would be more competitive. At the same time I love where I live currently and don't want to leave if I can help it.
4. Try to get an entry level job in another field arguing my reasons in creative cover letters that will likely be thrown away. It was this train of thought that led me toward looking into various ministry positions that don't require the Divinity/Theology degree but just want you to provide a damn good reason why you want the job. One of these jobs I was looking at listed a main job duty of "evangelizing the youth community". I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound too good to me. I also don't know what they mean when they say "a proven track record demonstrating increasing faith in Jesus Christ". Hmmm :)
5. Graduate school. Oh, but what oh what should I study? Social work, human resources, theology, comparative religion, interdisciplinary humanities, non profit management, public administration or English literature? Shit maybe I should go back to school and take classes to become an auto mechanic, because at least if i got THAT credential I could rest peacefully knowing I'd be able to get a good job.
6. Get another job to supplement my lost income while keeping my current job.
My cats walk through the house meowing, meowing, sounding as lost as I feel right now.
Maybe I should move to Iowa and live close to my adopted parents while becoming a farm hand. I bet my cats could live in a random barn. I don't know what to do! I think I could at least get interviews for better positions than my current one, but even the closest opening are 45- hour away. Should I apply anyway? Should I go back to Michigan? Should I move to Alaska? Should I apply to "evangelize the youth"? Maybe I should start keeping a daily diary documenting my ever growing "relationship with Christ" just in case I ever need to fax it in as a supplement to my resume and cover letter :P
Sept 2007- present Larger in Christ (than before),
2002-2007 Sabbatical in Christ (distance education certification)
ETC
1. Keep the job, enjoy endless 4 day weekends (as I am only working Weds, Thurs and Friday). In my free time, before the rain returns, use my non stop 4 day weekends to hike, take pictures, volunteer, and think (the last of course being the most dangerous, second only to prayer, which i won't even mention, being that is the kind of mood i am in!) When the rain returns 1. look for another job or ?????????????????????
2. Aggressively seek other employment locally looking at positions I am well-qualified for... I have been looking at all kinds of jobs here and on the peninsula that I believe I could likely land an interview for: education jobs, jobs in volunteer recruitment, some non MSW case manager jobs (very competitive), other literacy organizations etc.
3. Aggressively seek other employment anywhere in the US, specially looking at positions in my field. I have a higher chance of being hired this way because my degree would be more competitive. At the same time I love where I live currently and don't want to leave if I can help it.
4. Try to get an entry level job in another field arguing my reasons in creative cover letters that will likely be thrown away. It was this train of thought that led me toward looking into various ministry positions that don't require the Divinity/Theology degree but just want you to provide a damn good reason why you want the job. One of these jobs I was looking at listed a main job duty of "evangelizing the youth community". I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound too good to me. I also don't know what they mean when they say "a proven track record demonstrating increasing faith in Jesus Christ". Hmmm :)
5. Graduate school. Oh, but what oh what should I study? Social work, human resources, theology, comparative religion, interdisciplinary humanities, non profit management, public administration or English literature? Shit maybe I should go back to school and take classes to become an auto mechanic, because at least if i got THAT credential I could rest peacefully knowing I'd be able to get a good job.
6. Get another job to supplement my lost income while keeping my current job.
My cats walk through the house meowing, meowing, sounding as lost as I feel right now.
Maybe I should move to Iowa and live close to my adopted parents while becoming a farm hand. I bet my cats could live in a random barn. I don't know what to do! I think I could at least get interviews for better positions than my current one, but even the closest opening are 45- hour away. Should I apply anyway? Should I go back to Michigan? Should I move to Alaska? Should I apply to "evangelize the youth"? Maybe I should start keeping a daily diary documenting my ever growing "relationship with Christ" just in case I ever need to fax it in as a supplement to my resume and cover letter :P
Sept 2007- present Larger in Christ (than before),
2002-2007 Sabbatical in Christ (distance education certification)
ETC
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
life: the plan is to marvel
EDIT: LOL so much for this plan :P (see 7/9 post)
My mom is here visiting which is wonderful. Today we went up to Seattle and did a bunch of fun touristy things that I have avoided doing for many years including the Space Needle. We saw the fish throwers at the Market, and went to the Experience Music Project museum (and got into the science fiction museum as a bonus!). Then we had a nice late lunch and sampled different beers, including Red Hook, which was both of our favorites and something I'd never tried before.
As far as religion/spirituality goes, I've sort of been wildly vacillating again between extraordinary leaps of faith and then quiet but deep burst of funk. With my hours cut at work I have been thinking more about graduate school for fall 2009. I am not sure if that is the best idea, or if moving for a better job would be more reasonable. I am not sure if I am called into the ministry, at least the ordained ministry, or social work, or human resources, or teaching or anything.
I feel called to stop smoking, start hiking again, stop smoking so much damn weed and to stop self-treating (albeit in small doses) the pain I feel over Denise, over my job, over my relationship with Evan and over poor choices I made with best intentions. Lately I've had this epiphany that I am doing ok but I need to do better, to take better care of myself, to be good to myself and find healthy ways to cope with stress, to take time to be alone, and then maybe it will become more clear what God wants me to do. Not because there's this legalistic list of things or because God won't call me when I am smoking or whatever, but just because that's what I think I am suppose to do-- basically love myself enough not to engage in potentially destructive behaviors, a variety of which, I have come to love sampling.
At the same time, I have an easier time trusting God, trusting that things will work out, trusting that even though I don't understand God has a plan, trusting basically. I know God is smarter and much funnier than me and that makes things easier, and sometimes even merciful seeming.
I am looking forward to quitting smoking soon after my mom leaves, and looking forward to taking the extra time I am not working to take hikes and photographs and to be in a state of marvel over creation.
My mom is here visiting which is wonderful. Today we went up to Seattle and did a bunch of fun touristy things that I have avoided doing for many years including the Space Needle. We saw the fish throwers at the Market, and went to the Experience Music Project museum (and got into the science fiction museum as a bonus!). Then we had a nice late lunch and sampled different beers, including Red Hook, which was both of our favorites and something I'd never tried before.
As far as religion/spirituality goes, I've sort of been wildly vacillating again between extraordinary leaps of faith and then quiet but deep burst of funk. With my hours cut at work I have been thinking more about graduate school for fall 2009. I am not sure if that is the best idea, or if moving for a better job would be more reasonable. I am not sure if I am called into the ministry, at least the ordained ministry, or social work, or human resources, or teaching or anything.
I feel called to stop smoking, start hiking again, stop smoking so much damn weed and to stop self-treating (albeit in small doses) the pain I feel over Denise, over my job, over my relationship with Evan and over poor choices I made with best intentions. Lately I've had this epiphany that I am doing ok but I need to do better, to take better care of myself, to be good to myself and find healthy ways to cope with stress, to take time to be alone, and then maybe it will become more clear what God wants me to do. Not because there's this legalistic list of things or because God won't call me when I am smoking or whatever, but just because that's what I think I am suppose to do-- basically love myself enough not to engage in potentially destructive behaviors, a variety of which, I have come to love sampling.
At the same time, I have an easier time trusting God, trusting that things will work out, trusting that even though I don't understand God has a plan, trusting basically. I know God is smarter and much funnier than me and that makes things easier, and sometimes even merciful seeming.
I am looking forward to quitting smoking soon after my mom leaves, and looking forward to taking the extra time I am not working to take hikes and photographs and to be in a state of marvel over creation.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)