It's rainy and I am in a gloomy mood. I just had an epiphany about how truly fucked up I am when it comes to romantic relationships. It is a pit of despair. How can we ever find who we are looking for, if we don't really know what we want? I don't know what I want, really. I have fantasies of singleness but I hate being alone. I have fantasies of concentrating solely on graduate work and trying to forge some kind of salvageable career out of my life, but then, once in a great while, I think to myself about how I am getting older, how I will be 27 next month. I wonder if I will ever have children. I guess if I ever wanted children and it was too late for me, I could adopt.
The point is, when I connect with a boy somehow, or feel attraction strongly for someone, or am tempted to try to make a relationship work, or whatever the freaking case may in fact be, it seems like all my attention is suddenly focused on this other and what they want, usually anyway. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I don't know what I want.
I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to pursue cheap meaningless relationships that will only end in pain. At the same time, I am pretty independent, and actually pretty selfish sometimes, so maybe its wrong to try and be in a relationship anyway.
All this has me seriously contemplating some form of deliberate non-dating for some unknown amount of time. I just don't know. I feel really vulnerable right now and really weak when it comes to this kind of thing, like I would just go right along with anyone, even for a fling, if they were persistant enough about it. BLAH. I feel so lonely! Sure I can pray I guess. I guess that's what I should do.
Or I can enjoy a little bit of wine and fall into a deep, deep, sleep and maybe it will be sunny again tomorrow, and I will be too busy with work to think about the mistakes I've made.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment