more boys, and an arrested witch

I love the town I live in. I just saw a man dressed as a witch pull down a tree and then get into a debate with a cop about Camus. All of it was so surreal. At first I thought, maybe this man dressed as a witch is homeless and then I thought, no. No, Maria. He is not homeless. He is just dressed as a witch and destroying trees, and this nice cop is just preserving order. What a fucking yuppie I have turned into, siding with the man! I hope that they let the witch go, whoever he is.

Boys are trouble. How I have lived 26 years on this earth and only recently concluded this, I don't know, but boys are trouble. I feel like I have some fairy dust on me making men attracted to me lately. Maybe it's just because I have been in a relationship for so long, and because I have always had low self-esteem. I just can't handle anymore drama. Like I told a friend, when hottie smiled at me I thought for the first time today "you are trouble, all of you are trouble!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I don't know what I am looking for, but it feels damn good to have a beer. It feels good NOT to be taking care of anyone, not to be working at this moment, not to be advocating or helping anyone at this moment.

Last night I got off from my care giving gig early and went to the compline service at St. John's with a friend. It was so good. I so rarely worship God, but if I am going to, that's usually where it happens. I don't talk to God much anymore, except when I am desperate. I am a binge prayer person, I like to save it all up, even while I consistently have an awareness of God around me.

I don't know why the universe is sending me all this drama. I can't take it. I want to become a nun, the first nun in the Methodist church. I wish I wasn't so confused about what I want or how to be happy.

Sometimes I feel like I could do anything.

Sometimes I just want to cry. I had to work with the jerk guy today. He is such an asshole I am speechless to describe just how large of an asshole he is! I could not handle the fallout from today without a drink!

On the other hand, it's nice to be grieved about normal things, to be confused about love and relationships. As painful as it is, I find it so much better than the other things I have spent my life grieving.

Still, I don't know what God is trying to tell me, if God is trying to tell me anything at all. Maybe free will is the royal flush. That would mean I win no matter what though, and that is definitely a crock!