Craving

It's a nice day. Semi-sunny. Gentle breeze. I keep dreaming someone is tapping me on my shoulder and then waking up in the morning to my cat Clyde, sitting on my chest, sneakily yet gently pawing me in the nose (no claw, what a sweetie!). As soon as he realizes I am awake, he knows he's busted for waking me up and sprints down off of the bed with a ME-OW.

My house is a disaster. To procrastinate cleaning it, after my new care giving gig I cleaned out my car. To procrastinate further I went to buy a new mop and ended up wasting almost two hours picking out a pretty blue patterned summer dress. On the way back to the apartment I started craving a pineapple drink and knew I would be hitting up the West side taco truck. Man I love that taco truck.

For the hell of it I asked for a super spicy taco (I don't like spicy things) and it was so good. I have no idea what they put on it--and it hurt so much!-- but it was delicious! Chasing it with the pineapple drink almost felt like a religious experience. The burning fizzling was just what I needed. I closed my eyes and briefly imagined I was in Mexico in my pretty new dress dancing some exotic dance.

I have another hour before I have to go back for the caregiving gig. The hours are spread out through out the day. I called my mom at some point too.

I have this restless, lonely feeling. I feel like I need something and don't know what it is. Liquor? Blackjack? A sunburn? A cigarette? A literal roller coaster ride? Driving to the coast and laying in the sand? Swimming in the saltwater until just the moment before hypothermia sets in? Driving to Eastern Washington and making tumble weed sculptures? Moving to Alaska? It's like I need to feel the edge of life, to feeling the actual blood pumping in my veins. Times like this I miss Sleeping Bear dunes in Michigan. I used to go there when I felt this way. I used to climb up the tallest dune, and then jump down, running and falling into Lake Michigan until I felt healed and/or whole again. Maybe I just need to clean my apartment.