when the God speaks, part 1

Lately I have been depressed. Depressed over the emptiness I feel in my life. It has been very confusing for me because my life is so full. How could I feel so empty? How could I feel like everything is so meaningless? But I did/do.

I feel angry at God for everything I have had to live through, even though I realize its futile. The last few days have been depressing in particular. Work has been crazy. The fallout from my relationship has been coming through in different weird ways. God taught me a little lesson the other day, luckily a kind one, one about just how quickly I would give up all kinds of responsibilities and self-respect, just to have one wild night with a guy (that didn't end up happening).

I finally went and saw a therapist. She said that I am an incredibly strong woman that has excelled at burying my pain and that when I feel emotionally numb it may be because I shut myself off from my emotions, and just focus on achieving. And truly, when she sat there and repeated back to me all the various things I told her I lived through, especially the part about my dad, I didn't feel anything at all. It felt like someone else's life. I certainly FELT like I SHOULD be alarmed, but I was completely numb.

Unfortunately though she said all of it just builds up like a pressure cooker (and she had this neat prop ready) and unless I let some of the pressure out, something bad will happen. Anyway just talking to her about this was very difficult, and I left feeling really crappy.

I realized she was right though. Stuff just boils over sometimes. I can think of instances. Once, a few months ago, I was sitting in church and in front of me there was a dad and his maybe 8 year old daughter. He suddenly put his hands on her hair to smooth it down. When I saw this, for whatever reason, I started crying in grief. It comes up and over me at weird times when I am unprepared to experience it.

I think this is because I haven't dealt with it.