time to go to Iowa

whenever i really need clarity in my life, i go visit my adopted/ spiritual parents in the heart of middle america in the middle of absolute nowhere. i used to do this a lot more when i was still in michigan. unfortunately it is a lot more difficult to visit since i moved out west.

but now i am starting to really feel the need for clarity and direction. i'm starting to look at plane tickets and imagine myself getting lost in cornfields and lots of homemade cooking. its always a lot of JESUS, but in a good way. maybe at the end of april. maybe in the beginning of may.

all i know is that i need to get the HELL out of here and be able to clear my head. i wish i could take more than a few days. maybe if i am lucky i can get three or four days off tacked onto a weekend. pray for my boss to be generous!

where do you like to go when you need to really think/get away/ get some serious spiritual direction/ reflect/ feel loved?

evangelism: part two

I don't have much time to write another post, but I don't feel like my faith is stupid/embarrassing, at least not recently. I think I have a different idea of what Christianity is/ a different experience. Even so, there is so much baggage that comes with the religion, its hard to share with others. I'm not sure I will ever be very good at sharing my faith. I want to get better at doing this in ways that aren't bullshit and/or offensive.

I should put a quarter into a jar every time I say that I "want to get better at sharing my faith". Maybe then after a couple of years I'd have enough to buy myself a book with an emerging perspective on the subject!

evangelism

My job requires a high level of organization. I have two different calendars; a monthly calendar and then a weekly/daily calendar that sometimes scarily has tasks and meetings that account for each hour of the day.

Lately in addition to coordinating volunteers I have been doing student coordination. This means doing student intake and testing in addition to my other responsibilities with volunteers (recruiting, screening, matching, supporting). Since there is no office for our program in this county, I am constantly carrying around 75 pounds worth of files, forms, lesson plan stuff etc.

To make a long story short, my boss told me a month ago that I could get something from Staples so I wouldn't have to carry so much stuff. I could get a suitcase or some kind of rolling file to pull around all the stuff I have to have on me in order to do my job. Sounds great, right?

But I didn't do it. I kept carrying all the stuff around with me because I happen to think its dorky and that it looks stupid to have so much crap to carry around you have to have a suitcase. I didn't want to be one of those people walking around with a suitcase full of files. I just think it looks stupid. Its embarrassing to pull one of those things around.

I think this is an analogy (however terrible) for how I often feel about Christianity. A lot of times I feel like Christianity is this stupid crate I need to have because I can't get by without it.

That's changing some, slowly. As I experience the faith as something that isn't only embarrassing to profess, but something actually life giving and healing, I feel less like I am pulling around some stupid crate that makes me look like an idiot.

God forgive me.

I finally got the crate. I needed it.

I still resent pulling it around though.

churchapalooza: Easter edition...and the final tally is...

12 services in 72 hours. I couldn't subject myself to more than 3 today, so the final tally is 12. Ultimately I'm glad that I got to experience all the different ways various denominations celebrated Easter, but damn that was a lot of church.

in other news, the photo below gets my new Asinine jpg file of the week award. It is supposed to be portraying the spiritual gift of serving others. Enjoy!

the church of god, anderson indiana

Church of God, Anderson IN, Easter 10:45a This was the denomination that most influenced my theology, and my life. If I had made different choices, I could have very easily been involved in some kind of ministry in this denomination today. I went with the idea to sort of say goodbye to it, if that makes sense.

Everyone was very welcoming. I honestly expected people to be judgmental— then I realized this was only because of some negative isolated past experiences. They sang Church of God hymns and certain praise songs that I hadn’t heard in years. I looked through the old hymnal and to be honest even had a fleeting thought of snagging one just so I could always remember the hymns. The pastor's message was about love, though it was really really heavy on atonement. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in atonement, but I don’t think that's the only reason Christ lived. I think Christ lived to show us how to live too— that praying some prayer is not the end-all moment of the Christian experience and that God loves us already and wants to heal us-- not that God is going to send people to hell if they don't follow a certain "path of salvation", take care of their "sin debt" and have a "trust relationship" based on a "faith decision" in Christ as "pathway bridge". That’s my opinion anyway.

Anyway, hearing those old songs made feel all kinds of things. Things like guilt about Warner and stuff I haven’t thought about in years. I realized that I have always been a stubborn person, even as a little kid! Then I remembered how I used to be so legalistic and concerned with different behaviors that I engaged in as a teenager (smoking behind the church, listening to "questionable" music, occasional underage drinking etc) and how afraid I used to be of God. I remembered how much I wanted to experience God back then though and never felt like I did, felt like when I prayed I was talking to myself etc. But I also remembered all the people from my old church and all the love I experienced there as a teenager. I thought about Warner and felt a lot of regret. So today, before I left that church, I tried to say goodbye to all of that.

Then, after the service, as I went to get free coffee before I left, to my surprise I heard someone calling my name. It was a woman I went to Warner with. We had theater class together and were in the same play. Though I did eventually recognize her, it took me a minute. I mean, this was over 8 years ago. I was barely 18 years old when I was at Warner and it feels like an eternity since I was in Portland at that college. I have lived so much life since then.

Sometimes I think that I could’ve made different choices, that I could’ve tried harder to submit myself to God, that I could have ignored all the enormous bullshit I saw at that college, that I could've asked God more effectively to help me deal with my own bullshit, that I could’ve prayed for wisdom and maturity and somehow survived Warner instead of leaving. But when I look back at myself from that time, I see someone very, very, young, in pain, trying to do what I thought was the right thing, deeply grieved by enormous personal suffering, and still freshly traumatized by all-too-recent events that had happened that were completely out of my control. And I believe that I made the best choices I could during that time, even if some of them were really screwed up. I know that I did the best I could and that God saved me from myself in those times when I didn't make the best choices.

But seeing this woman, recognizing this woman brought it all back. We caught up a bit, she is married now and a mom, like so many of the people I went to Warner with. It was good to see her, and at the same time, so strange to see someone from that period of my life. It was like seeing a ghost, like stepping back in time to a part of my life that I try not to think about anymore. The truth is I still feel guilty. I know things could've been different. I guess we all do the best we can.... but then God has to take care of the difference.

churchapalooza report back, part two (of three)

Foursquare Gospel, Saturday March 22, 5pm This is the same church I wrote about in my field trip post. I went back because I wanted to see if anything would be different for their Easter service (ie less scary). I also wanted to make sure to include as many denominations as possible and that meant going to this particular church since they are the only Four Square in town as far as I know. The music was very uplifting, as it was last time. The sermon focused on the choice to make a decision about Jesus Christ. The pastor said that the decision we make about whether Jesus is “God or fraud” will shape everything else in our lives. God doesn’t want anyone to go to hell, he said, which is why Jesus came. Yet unfortunately without accepting Jesus as the sacrifice for our sins, we indeed will all go to hell. He encouraged people to give up the mundane “work to home, home to work” routine that he said most of us were engaged in and let Jesus into our lives to find purpose meaning and forgiveness. For the finale he suggested there were at least three people in the audience that had encouraged others to have abortions and that God would even forgive those wretched individuals if they let him. You could see that it was a big deal to him that God would forgive even those people.

United Methodist, Saturday March 22, 7pm It was good to go back to my home church after the Four Square service. For one thing I noticed I was more willing to participate, having just come from a more charismatic service. Suddenly it didn’t seem like such a big deal to clap. It was a jazz service which I really enjoyed. It made me miss playing the saxophone a little bit, as jazz always does. It was also good to be back in a church that felt safe and like being home. The message was on all the positive things God can do and also about God’s light and love. This was so refreshing after so many services that focused on accepting Christ or else. I realize this is a major difference between the Methodist church and a lot of the churches I have attended so far this weekend. My church is focused on God’s love and doesn’t use scare tactics to try to get people to convert. I found myself thanking God to be able to be a part of such a caring church.

Catholic Church, Saturday March 22, 9pm The Methodist church service put me in such a good mood that I thought the Catholic service would probably be a downer and I almost didn’t go. But at the last minute I decided to attend and it’s really a damn good thing that I did because it affected me more than any of the others. It was the most significant to my spiritual life and understanding as a Christian thus far.

There were over 1000 people at the service and every one was given a candle. We marched outside and the priest burned the consecrated holy oil that hadn’t been used during the year. He then lit a candle representing Christ’s light in the world. Then everyone’s candles were slowly lit from the candle representing Christ. Slowly we made our way back into the Church where the smell of incense was thick in the air and suddenly triggered a memory about going to Mass with my Grandmother as a small child. After the prayers the priest read scripture about Christ as the light of the world and how God created light. This is when it happened.

The priest said Christ was the perfect light of the world and then he asked everyone to blow out their candles. I didn’t think about it as I blew out my candle. But then instantly others extinguished theirs and we were immersed in darkness with the smell of smoke from the extinguished candles heavy in the air. Never before in my life have I so understood God as light and God as the source of Light and that without God all is nothingness. It brought me new meaning and understanding of my own sin, Christ’s death and his resurrection. This realization and experience was probably one of the most significant events of my spiritual life to date.

United Methodist cemetery service, Easter, 7amIt hurt to make myself wake up for this service, but with thoughts of finally being able to drink coffee rushing through my mind, I forced myself out of bed and to the cemetery. It was raining and cold and everyone was sleepy. I was surprised how many people showed up. Also, I was sort of expecting some kind of theater. I thought maybe someone would be dressed up like Jesus and pop out from behind a tombstone or something, but nothing like that happened. (Guess I have to go back to the Baptist church for something like that!!). Anyway I was so tired and happy to have coffee that I can’t really remember much. The sermon was about how we can practice resurrection in our own lives and in the lives of others by helping people.

Church of Christ, Easter 8:15aI skipped this service. I remembered that I had to administer CASAS testing to two of our students on Monday and had to drive to up to work to get the test booklets since I have a pretty full day and no other time to do it. If the Church of Christ still has it this week I may go to their 6pm service in lieu of the Non-Denominational service tonight at 5:30.

So far I am 10 for 11 services. 3 more to go.

churchapalooza report back, part one

Presbyterian Church, Maundy Thursday, 6pm There were about 40 of the faithful in attendance and more seated in the balcony (unable to determine even an estimate as I couldn’t see them). The song leader made sure to announce what hymns we would sing and I appreciated that. Everyone knew when to stand up and I found it was easy to follow along just by watching others. The hymns were gorgeous and about caring for each other ie our neighbors and focused heavily on God’s love. Likewise the sermon was on becoming servants to others and loving and caring for one another. The scripture verses were from Exodus 12:1-4, 11-4 and John 13:1-17 and 31-36. The message was short, had a few genuinely funny anecdotes and was to the point. Afterward there was communion and the minister made it clear that communion was open to everyone, which was really cool. Overall impression: great church, felt God in the hymns, pastor was nice, seemed open to helping others and doing community work which made me hopeful about their potential to host Quixote someday.

Episcopal Church, Maundy Thursday, 7:30pm Possibly 100 people in attendance including one of my coworkers. I had a difficult time locating a bulletin even though I am quite familiar with this church and where the bulletins are usually kept. Turns out they ran out. It wouldn’t be a big deal except you need the bulletin to be able to know what to do and say. I finally found one elsewhere and was able to catch up. The hymns were not announced. I was confused about when to stand up. Man I love their sanctuary though. It is so beautiful. Also, someone I know from the Compline choir came in late and sat down near me. This was so cool because they are such a kickass singer. The homily was long. The leader asked the congregation to say “we are listening” every time he paused in his speaking which was mildly amusing at first and then progressively annoying. He told a story about a field mouse that wanted to get to the mountains. At the end of the story the mouse had to give both of his eyes to heal other animals along the way, but these animals helped him get to the mountain. Then the leader said that God doesn’t want our eyes, just our hearts. That was the transition into foot-washing but I had to leave because There Will Be Blood was about to begin. During this service my most productive time was spent asking God to forgive me for not being more patient and kind with the previously mentioned coworker. Scripture readings were numerous with the largest chunk coming from Exodus & containing stuff on passover.

Catholic Church, Good Friday, 9am It was hard waking up and getting to this service. I was so late leaving my apartment that I didn’t even have time to stop and get Chai. I made it to the church on time but was unable to find a way to gain entry. Every door I tried was locked or had a sign on it indicating that it was “exit only.” Finally after 5 or 10 minutes of persistence I was able to enter the church only to find the sanctuary empty and locked. Locked sanctuaries always annoy me! Why must they lock them! There were Easter pamphlets laying around so I grabbed one and tried to figure out where the service was happening. As I was doing this other people showed up and were wandering around looking lost also. Finally we determined that it was taking place in the Chapel. When I walked in the chapel there were no more chairs. Probably about 50 people crammed in there. I decided I wasn’t going to stand around looking rude for coming in late while everyone chanted prayers, so I just turned around and left, abandoning the church in pursuit of a caffeine source.

Methodist Church, Good Friday, 12:10pmThis is my “home” church and no matter what I write it will be biased. This particular service was an organ recital. During the beautiful music I decided to play “flip open the bible and see what passage you land on” (there has got to be a shorter name for that!) and found myself reading Song of Solomon, which as we all know is supposed to be read as an allegory between Christ and the Church and not as anything else! After that I read Luke’s account of the crucifixion. The sermon was a narrative from an unknown fictional disciple that had gone astray. It was so good that at first I thought the minister was reading from “The Gospel According to Biff” which as a side note, I highly recommend. The church’s cross was draped in black, something pretty dramatic that I’ve never seen before in any church, and there was also an additional cross laying across the altar/steps leading up to the platform. I thought that a little weird, but not too bad.

Baptist Church, Good Friday, 5:40pm I went to this service expecting to have the hell scarred out of me. Because this was what I was expecting, it wasn’t as bad it might have been. In fact, a woman I know from my work with Quixote recognized me and came to sit next to me for awhile, which was great and made me feel really welcome and less terrified. The service was a traveling service that started out in one room with an actor dressed as Simeon testifying that Jesus was the Messiah. Then we walked through the church passed giant quotes about Christ’s suffering and sacrifice. In the gym we watched actors dressed as the mother Mary and also Mary Magdalene give testimony about Jesus. All and all the acting was fine. This church really tried hard to cram the Christian story, Christ’s birth, and why he had to die (substitutionary atonement of course) as well as his resurrection into 25 mind boggling minutes. The Marys really spent a lot of time describing the constant look of love on Christs face that they supposedly saw while he was crucified and I thought that was a little too much poetic license.

After this we were led into another room where everyone was warned NOT to take small children into and parents were offered on the spot childcare. Entering the room we were shown scenes from the Passion of Christ intertwined with Bible quotes from Isaiah. We then were offered communion but strictly warned that only followers of Christ should take it or else. One thing that bugged me during this was that a woman dressed in New Testament attire guarded the door so no one could leave. I had decided not to leave no matter what, but it still bothered me that people seemed trapped and forced to watch Mel Gibson’s Passion of Christ or else do battle with the pseudo New Testament lady who had put the restrictions on communion. I actually was raised that you don’t take communion unless you “believe in Christ” but its been awhile since I’ve heard anyone enforce that. Anyway there was amply Kleenex available for people reacting to the Passion. Seeing clips from the Passion made me feel everything from revulsion at Mel Gibson to anger at God and especially the lameass disciples for not trying to save Jesus, but that’s another post for another time.

Assemblies of God, Good Friday, 7:00pm I was basically prepared for anything at this service, but it turned out to be a concert. This church is so large they have their own damn 50 person orchestra and 50 person choir to boot. I sat way up in the balcony. There were definitely over 1000 people there, maybe more. The concert was two hours and told the story of the crucifixion. There was also occasional photography from good ole Mel’s The Passion up on the big screen projectors. That said, this was definitely the most powerful service of all of them so far. The music was incredible. This church really has it together. I hate paying attention to stuff like that, but the more churches I attend, the more I realize that the large churches all have certain things in common: things like a professional level of organization, excellent music programs, many opportunities to get connected with the church, trained greeters, refreshments, “welcome” teams etc. I don’t mean this metaphor to sound as bad as I know it well, but some of the biggest churches around are very well oiled machine. I think the Methodist church has a nice balance. One thing I did notice though, and will keep my eyes out for more, is that the megachurches have the largest number of people under 30. I know more people come Easter weekend, but I’m comparing all the churches at once, over the same weekend, and so far the megachurches seem to be doing better at attracting younger people.

Well, off to another service!

update

Well, I've now attended 6 services in the last 24 hours and I have to say that the last two really put me over what should be the legal limit.

churchapalooza: Easter edition

"Good Friday service starts at 5:20pm and continues every 20 minutes until 7:40pm" --quote from one of the 30 church advertisements in our local paper

So, I've ludicrously decided to see how many church services I can attend between now and Easter. I have created a schedule of events and if I make all the churches I should hit 13 services, 14 if I am lucky (and can make it from one town to the next in 10 minute). Now why on earth would I do this? Because I think its fun? Because I am curious about what other denominations are doing? All of the above and more!

Let's look at the logistics of this folks. Normally going to 13 church services would take 3 months. But thanks to the obscene amount of services each church is forced to hold to appeal to various parishioners, there is somehow enough church happening to be able to squeeze 3 months of church into one weekend. If Jesus had a sense of humor, I think this might be an idea he would appreciate!

Its pretty standard for me to attend 4 church events a week these days anyway, between the methodist church and the compline service at St. John's, an emergent group that meets occasionally and a weekly Bible study. This doesn't include my Quixote activities which too often resemble churchish stuff as well.

So 13 really doesn't seem like a lot to me. Maybe you're thinking I'm a little nuts. I know I am! Nuts about understanding nuances between churches! And also nuts about the possibility of getting different understandings/ experiences of God! Its like sort of saying, "Here I am God" (x 13)

Also, if you do think I'm nuts, don't blame me, blame the churches for having 5 services each (and sometimes more). Think of the poor clergy. Why do we have to 5 different services on Sunday morning? But I'm not complaining. In fact, I'm going to attend them all!

Also, kind of inappropriately/ironically/if you have a dark sense of humor, I am seeing (for the second time) There will be Blood at a local theater tonight. I didn't plan that on purpose, the opportunity just sort of came up! Anyway its a gloomy film for a gloomy eve!

heres my crazy schedule of events. I have the day off tomorrow and then don't work on the weekend (for anyone wondering how this is possible for someone who works full time.)

Thurs. 6pm Presbyterian church (already attended)
Thurs. 7:30pm Episcopal church (headed out now!)
Thurs. 9:00pm There Will Be Blood (yep)
Friday 9am Catholic church (done)
Friday noon United Methodist church (done)
Friday 5:30pm Baptist Church (done)
Friday 7:00pm Assemblies of God (done)
Saturday morning-- other commitments yep
Saturday 5:00pm Foursquare Gospel (done)
Saturday 7:00pm United Methodist church (done)
Saturday 9:00pm different Catholic church (done)
Sunday 7:00am United Methodist cemetery service
Sunday 8:15am Church of Christ
Sunday 10:45 Church of God, Anderson IN
Sunday afternoon--dinner!!!!
Sunday 5:30pm Community/Non Denominational Church
Sunday 8pm Episcopal Church

amends

I called the store and spoke to the woman who i was so rude to last week. I'm so glad I got the chance to apologize!

today i seemed to have a really hard time waking up.

I've decided never to go back into a casino.

My cats are meowing.

words

Saturday I went to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I ended up walking out. I was too proud. I'm not really sure I'm addicted anyway. But then I realized as a Christian it doesn't really matter if I am addicted to gambling or not.

As a Christian I should be able to admit I am powerless to save myself and need God anyway, screw the weird casino element I have recently allowed into my life!

Things go so much easier for me when I just try to give in to God actively and ask God what I should be doing.

I just sort of got pissed off over my break up.

And for me its always about preventing snowballs from turning into avalanches. What I mean is that I start to get focused on the incredible pain of my ended relationship. I start to think about my mistakes and I start thinking I can fix it, I can fix it, that there has to be some way I can fix, when every day it becomes more clear that No, I can't fix it. It hurts so much.

And then I think about my other hurts. Old wounds reopen. And then instead of letting God heal me, I get angry with God instead and decide to take up blackjack? What the fuck?

Anyway, I don't know how much Christian lingo is already in this post, but it is what it is. I just have to write it, I can decode it later.

The last few days I have just felt God so closely. What does that mean? Sometimes it means a kind of heaviness. I don't know how to explain it. I know that's not good enough, that kind of answer from people was never good enough for me either.

Today I went for a drive after church and was sitting in front of the open water looking and the trees and suddenly I saw them. I mean I saw the trees, I saw where I was. And then I thought about everything God has given me, all the wonderful people around me right now and in the past and how lucky I am to have the job that I do. When I really think about it I am just floored to be alive, but never in my wildest dreams could I have predicted this outcome.

How can I still be so stubborn and angry with God? And why the hell am I wasting my time and money? Its so stupid of me. Its so unlike who I should be right now-- but then, its exactly who I would be without faith. If that makes me weak thats okay, I am weak. God is so merciful and I am so blind to even that 99 percent of the time. Even in the midst of pain I still feel God's love so strongly. I can't even explain it so I just don't bother!

It makes me know there is hope, God's love makes me believe that there is something else happening that I can't see, even in suffering, even with very very strong awareness of suffering all around me and in my community and in the world. My belief in God's love makes it okay for me to be pissed off, I think God can handle that. It makes it okay for me to ask God where the hell God is, it makes it okay for me to say what I think to God, or not talk to God for days. But in the end I realize that is foolishness.

yesterday's "review": field trip part II

I can see now that the summary of my field trip from yesterday was more of a rant and didn't really include everything I wanted to include. Later on today I hope to add onto to this post and touch on some of the more positive things about the church.

I also want be more specific about the sermon, general style of the service and also throw out some random questions that I have as a result of attending the service.

***

+ The music was wonderful.
+ I liked the way they encouraged people to submit themselves to God.
+ I liked the way they had a time where people could just pray for each other, pray for themselves, or hell, just zone out for awhile while the band played on
-didn't like the pastor accusing women who have suffered abuse of not "putting themselves back out there" and then in the same sentence said "and men, there are no failures among you, no matter what anyone says". It was probably an accident but it was weird as hell and and the accidental implication was terrible.
-didn't like getting kicked out of the pew by blonde lady
-didn't being told I was going to hell and that God's mercy is going to run out
-didn't like the scare tactics in general
+the church will volunteer at Capital Lakefair
-the church wants to take over Capital Lakefair and was already coaching the congregation how to behave toward the "unsaved"
- all "prophesies" of leadership were over men
+the pastor said God will bring peace, and joy
-the pastor accused some poor man of adultery in the middle of the sermon
-the pastor in general seemed very scary
+free fancy coffee
-gave up coffee for Lent so didn't drink any

That about sums it up. What a multimedia extravaganza! As someone who feels God's love so strongly most of the time even to the point of taking it for granted, it was weird to be reminded of hell and brimstone and all the rest. It made me thankful that my church is focus more on God's love and forgiveness. Damn though, they sure can sing.

field trip

Tonight I was bored and went to a large and charismatic (or is it pentecostal?) local four square church that I've been wanting and curious to spy on for awhile. I secretly hoped it would be normal so I would have confidence in the future about encouraging my advocacy group to approach the church to host the homeless group I work with. Unfortunately I did not leave with a peaceful, easy feeling!

Let's just say that I might have a masochistic streak for wanting to subject myself to an experience like I just had! I probably won't be bitching about my home church now for at least a few weeks! In the future maybe when I start to think I have it bad at the Methodist church, I'll just drive out to Boulevard Road and get the hell scared out of me!

I knew things weren' t going to go well from the beginning, when a lady approached me and actually informed me that I was in her pew! When I calmly said I would move she said "oh no, don't do that". But you know of course then I had to just to make a point. I know a thing or two about how parishioners are supposed to treat first time attendees and booting them from the pews is not it! So I shuffled to the back row, where God knows I am most comfortable anyway. (Just in case you can't tell by my tone, I wasn't really offended and actually felt secretly pleased to be slighted in such a bold way-- it made it easier for me to judge the church as a whole, God forgive me later!)

Honestly, the charismatic church is a very large, very enjoyable church at first glance. The praise team is amazing and even as someone who doesn't really get into "praise" music, I still found myself deeply moved. Its really something when one thousand people start singing to God. Then it comes down to hypnosis sometime after they reach 30 minutes of nonstop singing. It becomes irresistibly trance-like and you find yourself really wanting to experience something even if you really think the whole thing is a giant crock! There is a scientific explanation! Its called crowd control baby and its what Benny Hinn got his PHD in (not really).

Something inside of me sort of leaped though (to use weird bible language and keep in the spirit of service I just attended!) when I heard all that praise music. I really was overwhelmed is what I am saying, and I am a cynical, cynical gal. But I am also a believer in Christ and maybe that's why it was so powerful. But then people started talking.

Why oh why did people have to start talking?

The sermon was about why Jesus cried when he entered the city on what we now celebrate as Palm Sunday. The pastor said it was because he saw all of our future--the future of everyone sitting in the church-- and it made him sad that we would all be going to hell if we didn't follow God. (Before this though he encouraged the men to go to a mens retreat because men are special in God's eyes and then mumble something about "girls" night out, which I guess meant something that the women of the church attend. Semantics sure, but very noticeable in the larger context of the theme of "men's importance".)

Basically said we shouldn't make Jesus cry or we'll go to hell, but he screamed out prophesies to the audience to. He would whisper and then climatically raise his voice. I wonder if he was raised in the Baptist church because that was what it reminded me of. He would then "throw" prophesies out over the audience such as "YOU are going to be healed young man" and "YOU there! YOU are going into the ministry!" I made sure to duck down low in my pew so I wouldn't get hit with any. God knows I've got enough to worry about.

72 hours

During the last 72 hours of my life I was the guest speaker at a rotary club, read the book of Acts, read two chapters of Brian McClaren, read bible commentary, went to a bible class where the median age was 70, met a friend at the bar to catch up and volunteered with the homeless. I helped counsel a very disturbed person.

In the last 72 hours I kicked ass at my job, interviewed volunteers and matched two people with tutors. I randomly ended up talking to a pastor I barely knew for two hours about process theology, atonement and Girard (a theologian I hadn't heard of before), I recruited for upcoming events at work and interviewed a retired doctor, a retired teacher and observed our intern teach four different students. I created the draft for an annual publicity plan.

In the last 72 hours I let God use me and utilized my position as an advocate to petition different wonderful people I know to help a homeless man get out of a bad situation and home again. I went to a play where my non-profit was honored. I sat in a church and silently prayed the apostles creed while a stranger jammed on the piano. I compiled thank you cards for people who had given.

In the last 72 hours I did a load of laundry, fed my cats, drank 2 whole bottles of red wine and 2 mojitos and one double captain and coke (separate occasions). I texted my estranged partner that he got into graduate school (his mail still comes here and he wanted me to open it). I let my house go to hell and made piles of papers. I made a mental note to do my taxes. I thought about smoking 5 times. Hell I'm thinking about it right now. I developed a spontaneous affinity for Missy Elliott. I hurt at least one persons feelings that I know about-- a sales clerk. I deliberately was bitchy to her because she messed something up and at the time I rationalized it as being assertive. I feel such guilt over it I am going to go back and apologize, God forgive me.

I thought about drinking coffee at least 10 times. One more week to go after Sunday.

This Easter Christ is coming back from the dead with a triple almond latte for me.

[Hey Marcy, I'm going to smuggle it into the sanctuary. I've figured out a new trick and unless the bouncers actually want to frisk me, I think I'm in the clear! ]

To join or not to join

The wonderful Carol Merritt is talking about the church losing an entire generation over the GLBT ordination issue and I happen to think she's right. We have stereotypes about what church people think about gay rights, and we know they are whacked. Until an individual church debunks our stereotypes and stands up for social justice, I believe most in my generation think about Fred Phelps or other crazy people taking crazy positions of hatred against gays (and others for that matter). Something like 80 percent of people 18-30 think GLBT rights is a non issue and the majority of churches are really out of touch with this view.

As someone who dearly loves my current church and has been attending there for over a year, I am still hesitant to join as I learn more and more about their denomination's anti-gay stance on GLBT people becoming clergy and gay marriage. My particular conference is more progressive, and the southern conference is always presented and described in an apologetic to me-- I am to understand that it is their fault, their conference that holds us back. What am I to do with the following quote though? This is the equivalent to law in the Methodist church:

"Since the practice of homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching, self-avowed practicing homosexuals* are not to be accepted as candidates, ordained as ministers or appointed to serve in The United Methodist Church."
*Footnote –- "'Self-avowed practicing homosexual' is understood to mean that a person openly acknowledges to a bishop, district superintendent, district committee of ordained ministry, board of ordained ministry or clergy session that the person is a practicing homosexual." (Book of Discipline, Par. 304.3)
Or this:
"We affirm the sanctity of the marriage covenant that is expressed in love, mutual support, personal commitment, and shared fidelity between a man and a woman...Ceremonies that celebrate homosexual unions shall not be conducted by our ministers and shall not be conducted in our churches." (From Social Principles, Par. 65C).

Most people maybe would just suggest I not become a member of the denomination. There's definitely zero pressure to join from the church itself. I just feel like I am supposed to be there. Maybe just being there and participating is good enough. I really want to join the church. I guess I should pray about it more. Does joining the church mean that I am saying I am okay with the Methodist's national anti-gay stance? Is it okay to join the church knowing from the beginning I disagree adamantly with their position on GLBT? But then how will the Methodist church ever change for the better if people who disagree with anti-gay policies don't continue to join? As I've observed, (it seems like at least that)Methodists don't like to rock the boat when it comes to this subject, and I think that's big, big mistake. This is my generation's human rights issue and 80 percent of us know it.

counting blue cars

it was a beautiful day. i did lots of beautiful things like match volunteers and students, watch people learning english, call people, listen to people, and enter data into a computer. ok, so the data entry wasn't so beautiful. driving around under the olympics. my brother is making dinner tonight so i am headed over there in a few. i just wanted to post something ordinary.

oh yeah, on the drive home i was going to stop at the casino but i felt what i can only describe as God whispering lovingly to my inner being, don't go, obey Me!

go on, relive 1996. You know you want to :)

anxst

Lately I've been doing some real crazy things, such as going to multiple casinos and winning and losing hundreds of dollars. Yesterday I went from church straight to blackjack and made about two hundred bucks in 20 minutes.

I can't tell you what that feels like to win that much money in such a short time, it's such a high.

I am flirting with disaster, looking for some kind of distraction to numb my mind against the pain of my separation, against all of my ghosts and skeletons.

I know I have to let God heal me, but I'm just too pissed off sometimes.

Also, for me at least, I have to let God heal me over, and over and over and over again. And sometimes I'm just like hey fuck this!

full circle

It's hard to believe, but today makes nine years since the day I boarded a Greyhound bus at age 17 and went 3,000 miles west to Portland, Or, not knowing a soul there, or even what I would do when I got there.

The older I get the more this act shocks me as having been incredibly life-threatening and dangerous. At the time though, even though I was afraid and worried in other ways, I simultaneously knew that there was nothing left for me in Michigan. I was suicidal and I knew that something had to change or else I had to just get out of there. So I did.

Looking back I really believe God protected me and I am able to see God very vividly in that part of my life. Sometimes when I have been inclined to not have any faith I am reminded of certain events in my life such as those that happened in Portland.

For example, ending up randomly in front of a youth drop-in center during the one day per week and one hour per week they did intake for new youth.

Or getting a job at the first place I walked into. Or having so many people around me encouraging me at the alternative school I went to while I worked to get my GED. In the beginning I would sleep at a shelter they had for teenagers, then go to the alternative school for a couple of hours and then walk to the other side of downtown to work the counter at a dry cleaners.

One of the reasons I find my job so rewarding is because our main office reminds me so much of the alternative school I went to in Portland. It serves a totally different demographic of course (we don't serve teenagers), but when the GED students come, and when students working on basic skills need a tutor, when anyone needs a tutor really, I get to match them with one.... and it is like coming around full circle, and it is a very beautiful, deeply moving thing for me to experience. It's the same thing sometimes with the homeless group I work with. Maybe I'll write about that another time.

I'm just so thankful.

On becoming the crazy cat lady

We adopted our two kittens in September of 2006, in the middle of the now infamous poison cat food scare. We wanted to make sure that our cats never ate anything that would hurt them, so we bought their food from our local pet store. It's pretty expensive food, made completely from avocados. We also made sure we never used litter with clay in it because we had read that the clay can get into the cat's lungs and eventually kill them.

Time passed. The cats will eat nothing now except the avocado food. There are some exceptions to this. They are so finnicky that we experimented offering them tidbits of things over time. We discovered that they will eat gouda cheese, hummus, ice cream, wheat crackers and ACTUAL avocado. They will not eat olives, chips, tunafish or even any meat like chicken or beef. As far as cat food goes they will not eat anything other than the avocado food. When I try to switch their food, they stage a little hunger strike and act like they are going to die, dramatically walking back and forth through out the house meowing their displeasure.

These cats are spoiled rotten and they don't even know it.

They each have their own food bowl, but lately they've only been eating out of the one on the right side of the room. Thinking something was wrong with the other bowl maybe, I dumped the food, washed it and put it back. They still won' t eat from it. I theorized that perhaps they know I will refill the bowl as soon as the porcelain shows, so they have teamed up to empty that bowl so they will have an excuse to meow at me. I discussed this with Evan yesterday and he suggested I switch the bowls without them looking. Well, the jig is up. The cat's still ate only the right bowl, so my hypothesis is correct-- they are simply tag teaming one of the bowls-- not because something is wrong with the other food bowl, but because they want me to tend to them and take care of them and will do anything to make this happen, including pretending to ignore the other food bowl and act like they are starving.

an "attitude" of prayer

So one other thing I did yesterday that I didn't blog about was attend a potluck put on by the youth group from my church for the homeless group that I work with. It was really a neat event. I like how laid back and at ease the kids are with the residents--its clear that over time this youth group (through different events) has developed a very positive relationship with the residents.

Anyway before we ate together, one of the youth led the thanksgiving prayer. It was a simple, well worded prayer of thanksgiving. But what struck me was what he said right before he prayed. Everyone had been laughing and smiling, talking to each other in a big circle. Then the leader asked this student to pray and the student immediately wiped the smile off of his face, coughed a bit and very seriously said, "ok everyone, let's enter an attitude of prayer".

Apparently entering an "attitude of prayer" means standing soberly unsmiling in serious contemplation of God or whatnot. It was just kind of funny. I never really noticed it before, but thats always what happens when we pray. Its like, oh, well, we were having a grand ole time but now its time to get serious and talk to our solemn God. I'm so thankful to that kid for giving words to this humorous practice.

I'm not saying we shouldn't feel awe respect humility whatever toward God, I just think its funny that often the way we pray seems to indicate that God is a prude who would be highly offended should one of us still be smiling and/or otherwise enjoying ourselves by the third word of the prayer.

gorgeous day

What an amazing day. I spent most of the afternoon in the sun digging up weeds, putting down new soil and planting a few flowers. I listened to this pete fountain dixieland jazz cd I got a few weeks ago-- along with the good ole O Brother where art thou soundtrack--what great music! Aside from the Ladykiller soundtrack, O Brother is probably my favorite.

After I put the flowers in, I brought out some water, some wine and a little piece of pistashio cheesecake.. mmm. I really just took some time today to be thankful for life, to breathe it in. I looked at the clouds for awhile and watched different shapes appear and disappear across the sky.

This morning I read the scripture at the church. I was a little nervous, but once it was actually time to read it was no big deal. I felt pretty calm and peaceful actually.

Friday night I went with someone to the casino. I was up 400 bucks (I only took in 30) but in the end I was so greedy I couldn't walk away. Then yesterday I went and played blackjack at a different place. It was the same story. I was up and doing really well, and then the cards changed and I kept getting screwed by the house.

Note to self to watch it. I don't know why I like flirting so much with dangerous things.