Church of God, Anderson IN, Easter 10:45a This was the denomination that most influenced my theology, and my life. If I had made different choices, I could have very easily been involved in some kind of ministry in this denomination today. I went with the idea to sort of say goodbye to it, if that makes sense. Everyone was very welcoming. I honestly expected people to be judgmental— then I realized this was only because of some negative isolated past experiences. They sang Church of God hymns and certain praise songs that I hadn’t heard in years. I looked through the old hymnal and to be honest even had a fleeting thought of snagging one just so I could always remember the hymns. The pastor's message was about love, though it was really really heavy on atonement. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in atonement, but I don’t think that's the only reason Christ lived. I think Christ lived to show us how to live too— that praying some prayer is not the end-all moment of the Christian experience and that God loves us already and wants to heal us-- not that God is going to send people to hell if they don't follow a certain "path of salvation", take care of their "sin debt" and have a "trust relationship" based on a "faith decision" in Christ as "pathway bridge". That’s my opinion anyway.
Anyway, hearing those old songs made feel all kinds of things. Things like guilt about Warner and stuff I haven’t thought about in years. I realized that I have always been a stubborn person, even as a little kid! Then I remembered how I used to be so legalistic and concerned with different behaviors that I engaged in as a teenager (smoking behind the church, listening to "questionable" music, occasional underage drinking etc) and how afraid I used to be of God. I remembered how much I wanted to experience God back then though and never felt like I did, felt like when I prayed I was talking to myself etc. But I also remembered all the people from my old church and all the love I experienced there as a teenager. I thought about Warner and felt a lot of regret. So today, before I left that church, I tried to say goodbye to all of that.
Then, after the service, as I went to get free coffee before I left, to my surprise I heard someone calling my name. It was a woman I went to Warner with. We had theater class together and were in the same play. Though I did eventually recognize her, it took me a minute. I mean, this was over 8 years ago. I was barely 18 years old when I was at Warner and it feels like an eternity since I was in Portland at that college. I have lived so much life since then.
Sometimes I think that I could’ve made different choices, that I could’ve tried harder to submit myself to God, that I could have ignored all the enormous bullshit I saw at that college, that I could've asked God more effectively to help me deal with my own bullshit, that I could’ve prayed for wisdom and maturity and somehow survived Warner instead of leaving. But when I look back at myself from that time, I see someone very, very, young, in pain, trying to do what I thought was the right thing, deeply grieved by enormous personal suffering, and still freshly traumatized by all-too-recent events that had happened that were completely out of my control. And I believe that I made the best choices I could during that time, even if some of them were really screwed up. I know that I did the best I could and that God saved me from myself in those times when I didn't make the best choices.
But seeing this woman, recognizing this woman brought it all back. We caught up a bit, she is married now and a mom, like so many of the people I went to Warner with. It was good to see her, and at the same time, so strange to see someone from that period of my life. It was like seeing a ghost, like stepping back in time to a part of my life that I try not to think about anymore. The truth is I still feel guilty. I know things could've been different. I guess we all do the best we can.... but then God has to take care of the difference.
