I thought this picture was appropriately weird. It's Norman Greenbaum looking kind of like some people's apparent interpretation of Christ (if Christ had a mustache, was alabaster white and also fond of numerous green plants that look similar to, but really are not, weed).Anyway i believe in God. I choose to (personally) believe that Jesus is his son and also God. But when I pray I mostly pray to God, as in, um, GOD. When I look for peace, I look to God. There isn't a lot of Jesus involvement there. I haven't like, talked to Jesus or something, at least not literally. When I pray (not often enough) I am praying to the unspeakable divine, the creator of all, and yeah, I include Jesus too, Jesus is a part of my belief.
Please understand. I'm not saying I don't have faith.
I guess my impression of Jesus is still kind up in the air, even after all this time. He is such a polarizing figure. I always wondered why he didn't heal everyone, or seem to be more loving to everyone. The fact that he wasn't used to bother me.
People do all kinds of evil in the name of Jesus (and the name of God too really). Maybe its the American context I find myself within. I guess it seems kind of counterintuitive to have less faith in Jesus than God, since at least Jesus was way nicer than the God of the Old Testament. And what is faith anyway? A kind of liquid where God gets a full cup but Jesus is left standing with half a jar? But there is something unconfusing (to me) about having faith in God.
Evan thinks I sound like an alien if I mention anything having to do with Jesus (hi honey).
When I take communion I am always a little weirded out. Even when I drink red wine I am always a little weirded out because it reminds me of communion. I have a hard time taking communion. It forces me to think seriously, "this is real, not just some tale i grew up on". I think about how someone actually was actually killed. And then I see evil in myself, the evil in myself that is in the biblical story, in the betrayal, in the arrogance. I see myself as the person in the stories, who doesn't make it, every single time.
And yet, my experience is that God is infinite love. I don't really tell people that, but I try to live it out as much as I can. I think about the psalms that talk about God's love enduring. And I see God in the snowy hills and in the green mountains--though I saw God in the empty desert too. I see God in people every day. I have been saved by people who were operating in the name of God. And I have faith that Jesus is God, but it's a personal faith.
So maybe I am a "bad witness " so to speak, or rather, I don't act on the supposed faith that I do have. I don't lean on any of the faith communities or even on my own faith (when depressed over the holidays, I leaned on pretty much everything except my faith ). I rarely try to let God heal me, and am constantly dishonest with myself about what I am doing.
I am not successful at living out the love I believe is in God and that could be in me and that I often very deeply am thrilled by.
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