AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

misc. thoughts

Suddenly I feel really free to able to think about things having to do with the church, such as: how can the committee I am on be better in a myriad of ways by doing _____ or _____ or _____. Or, how might I help create a diversity of ages in the worship service so that younger people who happen to show up for whatever reason won't leave with their mouths hanging open.

It seems to me that people in their twenties might show up at the church for a variety of reasons. And sitting in the back, I do see some people in their 20s occasionally show up. I think the late 11:15am service attracts people my age sometimes (not meaning to stereotype people my age about sleeping in, but it is nice to have the extra time in the morning, and in the beginning, it was nice to have the extra time to decide to go to church in the first place). Also I think especially in the northwest where church attendance is so incredibly low, when someone in their 20s shows up they are actively looking for something-- for comfort, for God, for community etc. I don't think many people under 30 are going to suddenly start coming to church because of tradition or because it's their routine they are transferring etc. Maybe I am wrong!

When I first started going to the church I was looking for comfort from God. And I found it-- I found it through the familiarity of hymns, through messages about the love of God and through prayers about justice and compassion. So, maybe things are not as dire there as they sometimes seem!

a sunny day in february

i finally had the chance/guts to talk to a few people about what i wrote i was struggling with in this post. i can't really explain it, but just being about to share with others has made me feel so much better! I'm pretty excited about this new group of christians that has just started meeting. More on this later!

Right now it is looking like it will be a sunny day- that means the drive to work is going to be very sweet! I am so thankful to God for my job and just for where i am right now in life!

the cat's meow

now this is praise music-- and this and this too.

goes best with red wine

3 recent poems

the foggy

the start of
the opening of

the blindness was never like a tunnel you could almost
escape--it was a mediocre vision.

Seeing the fog, knowing the fog, talking openly, honestly about the fog--
I was situated in the blindness and writing songs about the fog.

It had been a long time since the trouble started.

the wind

Always trying to find synonyms for near-sightedness:
spiting the forest to see only wholly unconnected
trees. Take this one

fine and reaching truth—its trunk hiked the sky
until clouds exaggerated its arms until
the tree was lost in mist and then mystical. Some saw this

happen/maybe they weren't even there/sure but still felt
something happened possibly. Okay. Fine,

though later the tree-high truth of this maybe was still moving at me.


grace

He was in white
laying flat on a slate
being lifted up into the light.

God had said hey!
(Abraham thought) I think I want
you (to kill this bird)!

Unfortunately for Kid A
the old man had already drank the koolaid.

Hey there little Isaac,
its not just you. God made my
daddy a schizophrenic too.

you think its going to end, but then it keeps going

This is something I wrote January 12th and then quickly deleted it off this blog. Tonight I started to write a different post about the same events--it made me remember that I had already written this and could just repost it.

When I was very young (about 4 or 5) my mom, brother, sister and i attended a baptist church southwest of Detroit. My hair was very long then, way passed my waist and the church ladies constantly gave me and my mom compliments about it. One of those ladies told my mom a trick about combing out curly hair with conditioner in it while still wet, which I still do today. I can't remember this lady's name, but she was really nice. When we stopped going to that church us kids missed it so much that mom started taking us to the beach every weekend instead.

My mom later revealed to me that she really only went to that church in order to be able to sing in the music program and also to get away from our abusive dad. In fact, the minister of that church eventually encouraged my mom to divorce my dad even though he had initially tried to get her to make it work. One Sunday while my friends Megan and Erin were over, my dad got into a fight with my mom and ended up shoving her through the glass window of the backdoor. The back of her head was cut very badly and she needed stitches. After that we were in a women's shelter for 3 months until the divorce was final. My dad still came around after that, at one point trying to kidnap us kids, another time breaking down the front door of the house and attacking our mom. This was in the 80s before domestic violence and restraining orders were really being taken seriously (not that things are anywhere near perfect now).

Anyway there was no children's teacher one night at this Baptist church and we stayed around for the Sunday night service. I remember the minister screamed. At the end of his message he had some sort of invitation to accept Jesus and I went forward. I was 5. I've thought about this many times and in the past have even been angry at the thought of some minister frightening a 5 yr old kid so bad they thought they were going to hell and so needed to accept Christ. But I'm not really sure that's what happened. I was really young. I can't remember it well. Sometimes I feel like I really was called then. Maybe that was the first and last time I ever willingly, completely innocently and excitedly did what I thought God was telling me to at the time!

A few years later I went to a different Baptist church for a couple of years around age 10-12. That church is a whole other story. We had penny races during vacation bible school and bible drills where we would race to find the verse in order to win a prize. I can remember going to the middle school age kid's group and hearing a story about a family caught in a car accident. The mom and dad made it out of the car alive, but their little boy was stuck inside. They stood outside the car as it engulfed in flames and begged the boy to accept Christ. He didn't do it. The teacher then asked us whether or not we thought the boy would go to heaven. Unfortunately he would not, we were informed. He went to hell forever because he didn't "accept Jesus as his Savior". I also remember being told to imagine the idea of "forever". I can even almost remember the way they explained it: "You think its going to end, but then it keeps going... and then you think the end is coming, but then it keeps going"

Another time at that second (same) Baptist church I remember being in a room with lots of other kids during what must have been vacation bible school. The leader gave a talk about being called by God. Then he had us bow our heads and close our eyes to pray.

He said that whoever felt like God was calling should raise their hand. I didn't feel anything. I didn't raise my hand.

Instead I peeked and saw at least five people with their hands up.

I wished that I had felt something.

my cup runneth over

I love my job! I'm starting to feel like I really know what I am doing. That makes it a lot of fun. Tonight I went to the high school where some of our programs take place. Everyone was really happy to see me because they know I am the person who recruits all the volunteers. It was so great to be able to talk to everyone and find out what they need. I love being able to help others and give people what they need!

I was able to observe several classes that I had placed volunteers in and that was really neat. I even got to talk with some of the students, even though my spanish is pretty shady! But I still know some--and they knew enough english so that we were able to have a pretty decent conversation! I'm still not really sure how to say "volunteer coordinator" in spanish. I think I know but then my pronunciation sucks! Anyway it was great.

Also just the atmosphere in which I work. I mean the environment at work but also the literal environment. I love the drive to work! It is so beautiful! Every day even if I am grumpy in the morning, just driving to work cheers me up! I am so lucky! I mean seriously! I know all the complications that come once you start thanking God for you lot in life (doesn't God care about the people suffering right NOW etc). It doesn't matter. People cared about me when I was suffering and I don't know why, but because of all of those people, I actually made it through to a very good place. So, being able to give back is deeply rewarding.

As far as spiritual stuff goes, I am doing a lot better! I think I am really starting to feel more peace. I am still nervous as hell, but I figure God is so merciful and loving, why would he ask me to do something that would make me miserable?! Lately I am better at praying about my anger. It is helping. It will probably be something I have to continue doing for a long time, but that's okay!

I just feel very fulfilled. Also, Evan and I are talking. I am not really sure what is going to happen, but I have a new peace about things.

clown cats demand hummus

time flies

I have the day off work today and that is nice. Yesterday I went up to Hood Canal in the afternoon and laid on the beach for awhile in the sun-- which was really really good for me. I tried to get to the trailhead at the lower Skokomish but there was too much snow. In fact, I am lucky I didn't get stuck out there!

Still not drinking coffee. I've switch completely to Chai. I actually blew it on Saturday and ordered a real latte but they made me a Chai instead, thinking I wanted a Chai latte (I had ordered a chai first, then when they asked if I wanted a tea or latte, I said I just wanted an almond latte instead, then they still gave me chai!!) So you might be wondering, what the HELL does any of this have to do with my "spiritual life". Well, as I have determined, not very much at all!! except that it is teaching me to be disciplined. Its very difficult for me to resist all forms of coffee! Also, the idea of cheating has crossed my mind many many times! Its only been 13 days and each day I want to pack it in! Its a good lesson for me I think about not doing what I want all the time.

I'm also trying very hard to learn how to shut the hell up, and not make sarcastic/mean/rude comments as often as they pop into my head. Fun times!

How can we discern what God wants?

here are some random pictures

spellcheck doesn't work

i originally wrote this on 2/12, then deleted it. I'm putting it back up!

1. A lot of people think I am cheating Lent by substituting other forms of caffeine for coffee. What's up with that? Who would have thought that so many people around me would actually turn into these weird Pharasee type people criticizing me for drinking a flipping coke! People don't seem to get that I gave up COFFEE ONLY and NOT CAFFIENE! It seriously makes me just want to get some damn coffee. What's the point of continuing if everyone thinks I'm cheating anyway or not really sacrificing anything. It would be really easy to rationalize at this point, considering especially how stupid giving up coffee is in the grander scheme of things. In fact, upon reflection, it seems like if there was one thing I was going to share about my faith, giving up coffee for Lent is probably the dumbest idea I've had in awhile. Live and learn, I guess! Still I like the idea of being able to celebrate Easter this year with a triple latte-- and the likely inappropriate comicical vision of Christ coming back from the dead with a coffee stand punch card in his hand looking to get his free 20 ouncer. (I can't believe I just wrote that!)

2. So I didn't really go into a whole lot of detail about my experience at the barn church that I wrote about a couple of posts ago. I did tell what happened but I didn't go into a lot of detail about the actual art. When I told my brother the story, he immediately coined the phrase "painting in tongues" to describe what I saw the man doing. The cynic in me likes this phrase a lot (side thought- are there any cynics in Christ!? seriously!). One painting was of Mt. Rainier erupting and in the lava there was a lion growling. Talk about making guests feel welcome! Actually the people there were very kind and nice seeming, except for the fact the whole church seemed to point to what McClaren has termed "evacuation Christianity". Its too bad so many Christians want to evacuate the earth, though things are so bad now for so many, who can blame people that follow religions offering a fairly straightforward way out. Anyway, I wanted to write a post about different worship styles. What's the deal with public worship being so damn important? It always feels so fake to me, but maybe I'm just bitter because I can't sing. I don't want to drive people away from God by singing in church. Ok, thats a bit of a lie. Still, it seems so unnatural to me to stand there and try to sing, especially stuff that reminds me of a TBN benefit for Paul and Jan. This is part of the reason I like hymns and even then I've noticed some hymns aren't really hymns, but "contemporary" stuff from the 70s disguised as hymns. More on this soon, I hope!

3. Today I had to attend a conference for work on the washington state learning standards and their application to volunteer run programs such as ours. Eventually I have to figure out how to get the volunteers to understand and follow the standards as well as the curriculum framework, since the volunteers are acting as teachers even though they are tutoring and there are major differences (and questions about) how the material should be presented. First though I have to understand the standards myself! I have to learn how to make volunteers feel excited about this. There are a lot of people around the state in community based orgs trying to figure this out. Still, the idea of trying to make volunteers understand this and actually do it gives me the chills. I guess ultimately it will come down to how we talk about the standards and framework with volunteers. This is still at least a year away and I have a great mentor. The reason I am writing about it on my supposed sprituality blog is because it reminds me of how I am trying hard to figure out how to write and speak about my faith in a way that isn't so --insert undesirable adjective/s--

O Lord

This post on prayer, while perhaps a bit old, seriously cracked me up. The blogger satirizes different styles of prayer and addressing God. He says the basic evangelical prayer includes a number of "justs" ie Lord just, please just etc and from there gets more complex based on denominational background. Here's one example: "Faith-Word: 'We just ask you be with them based on Matt 28:20, and we just proclaim this is reality now, we just speak this into reality by faith' (can also be mixed rather effectively with the Pentecostal upgrade)."

The best ones in my opinion are in the comments section of the post.

I'm often impressed by (1) the stylish olde-world charm of citing scriptures in forms that only existed in the KJV, (2) the casual conversion of such scriptures into claimable promises, and (3) the striking Elijah-like boldness of prayer-as-lay-preaching. (What true Christian would be so crude as to interrupt a prayer meeting to correct you?)"Lord, we know your word says,
Lord, that where there is no vision the people perish. So we just pray, right now, Lord, that you would release your Holy Spirit to give us vision Lord, and teach us that your word is truth, and help us, Lord, to all agree together as one, even as you are one, that limited atonement applies to women but not to men, so that more people may know you, Father, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. Amen, Father, AMEN, for this is your will..."

This got me thinking about my own prayer life and how I pray. When I am alone I think I have a pretty uninhibited prayer life. I feel like I have an ongoing dialogue with God.

At the same time, when I have to pray around other people it is a whole other story. Suddenly I am bogged down by all this weird religious language and frantically trying to remember different prayer phrases. I struggle to express myself with authenticity. Or maybe, to express myself in a way that I think will be accepted by others as authentic! I start to try to remember how I was taught to pray, which was something like:

Father God, thank you for this day and for everything you have given us (except answers to all of our questions about human suffering!) we just (there is it) ask that you would just (again!) do whatever You want (since that's what You are doing anyway!). Help us to feel peace if thats what you want (and have a great day!) and we pray this in the name of your son Jesus Christ. Amen.

Don't even get me started on prayers where people pray for someone to be healed but only if its "the Lord's will". That always struck me as kind of sadistic and disrespectful to thinking people. It's just a way of subtly making an excuse for God in case Jane Jones isn't healed of cancer when Brother Bob says the prayer. God is complex and somewhat unexplainable. It just irks me when people try to make excuses for God not fitting into our limited understanding/logic.

caffeine, churches and

This morning I had a headache that was so intense I could hardly think. It immediately went away when I had an energy drink. I never realized how much caffiene I ingest on a daily basis. I knew it was a lot, but I didn't think I would actually have physical side effects.

Today was actually a pretty crazy day. I drove out into the boonies to a ministers meeting I had been invited to attend to talk about the literacy program we are trying to reenergize in the county. I had no idea what I was walking into-- turned out to be a converted barn miles from civilization. It was noon on a Thursday and there were people in the sanctuary jumping up and down and dancing. This guy was "in the spirit" some actually painting really incredible art. Yeah.


Luckily the Lutheran pastor warned me right before we left that they were "into music" at this particular church. Still that couldn't really prepare me for the surprises that lay ahead! Apparently this meeting moves from church to church. When the meeting happened there were ten pastors. I was the only woman there. That's okay. What the hell is feminism for if not moments like that, right? I had hoped at least one of these pastors would be a woman, but thats okay. Its a rural area, right?

All the while we had lunch upstaits we could hear the worship service going on, screaming the whole deal. I was trying to talk about helping people who can't read and in the background I hear this woman yelling "okay Jesus!!!!!" The pastor of the church said he had been cured of cancer in the sanctuary. Everyone seemed more subdued though for the most part.

I really couldn't believe I was there. It was good in the end though, I really was able to hear what their congregation and community seems to need as far as literacy services and two of the pastors invited me to speak to their congregations.

Also I can't lie, it was interesting as hell and I was really glad to be there for other reasons besides my job.

That said, if I had this job a year ago, I would not have been able to handle today. I would've freaked out and left. So I'm glad I have relative peace with God.

So that was my day! I wish it was the weekend so I could leave town. I am thinking about canceling my afternoon appointments tomorrow and going somewhere to think. I don't know why I think I have to go somewhere to think. Maybe its just a way of getting away from all this intense seeming stuff around me.

Lent

I have decided to try to surrender my will to God.
I am also giving up all forms of coffee (which I already miss a LOT!!). This way every time I want coffee I will remember that I am actively trying to do what God wants and not what I want. Not like theres anything wrong with coffee or that I think God me wants to give it up forever (at least i hope not, that would be crazy!).

I just picked it because I know it will help me remember.

Time to unsuccessfully try giving something up!

when i was a kid my grandpa would go to the Polish bakery and get Paczkis, and bring them to my mom's house the day before Lent on Fat Tuesday. That whole side of the family was Catholic, and my mom always gave something up.

Most years I have also given something up, or alternately, cut my hair on Ash Wednesday. Without thinking too much about it, I have sort of gotten into an every-other-year routine. Last year I gave up cigarettes. That lasted about a week. The year before that I cut my hair. The year before that I gave up coca-cola (lasted about a month) and the year before that I cut my hair. I can't remember what I gave up before that. One year I said I was giving up God. O Boy.

This year I cut my hair at Christmas, so I guess I should give something up.

I already gave up smokes. 6 months last week, yippee.

I don't think I could part with wine.

I could give up eating out, that could save me a lot of cash.

Coffee is too important to my sanity. Maybe I could give up just one form of caffiene, like Dr. Pepper.

Man, something is screwed up about sitting here thinking of an "of medium importance thing" (to me), to give up. Why am I giving up anything anyway? Its like a sham from the beginning if I am already looking for an easy thing.

TO BE CONTINUED

dusk

click here to see the rest

changes

There is not really an easy way to say this. My partner and I have separated. It's something I knew was coming for at least a month, but I didn't want to think about it. I'm still sort of in denial in a lot of ways. I don't plan to write much more about it here, other than this post, but I didn't feel like I could write anything else on this blog until I said it and sort of forced myself to deal with the reality of it.

Anyway I would appreciate your prayers.

Everything else in my life is going extremely well and I feel very fulfilled. I think there is a kind of mercy in that because it makes things easier. Not easy, but just a little easier. And as always my faith is helping me when I allow it to help me, if that makes sense.

Here's a song that played as soon as I dropped Evan off in Portland on Friday night, where he will be living. It brought me some comfort. I want to remember that it brought me a lot of comfort so I am posting it here. After I dropped him off I drove to Warner just for the hell of it. It was like coming back around full circle or something. But you know, all the doors were locked, the doors to the chapel, the doors to the church auditorium where we were required to go to chapel, everything was locked. At first this depressed me and then I realized, hey,---I never could connect with God at that place anyway, so why should I think I would be able to now?! It was actually a relief in a way that is hard for me to explain. Nine years later, that place STILL doesnt work for me!

God is merciful.