Craving

It's a nice day. Semi-sunny. Gentle breeze. I keep dreaming someone is tapping me on my shoulder and then waking up in the morning to my cat Clyde, sitting on my chest, sneakily yet gently pawing me in the nose (no claw, what a sweetie!). As soon as he realizes I am awake, he knows he's busted for waking me up and sprints down off of the bed with a ME-OW.

My house is a disaster. To procrastinate cleaning it, after my new care giving gig I cleaned out my car. To procrastinate further I went to buy a new mop and ended up wasting almost two hours picking out a pretty blue patterned summer dress. On the way back to the apartment I started craving a pineapple drink and knew I would be hitting up the West side taco truck. Man I love that taco truck.

For the hell of it I asked for a super spicy taco (I don't like spicy things) and it was so good. I have no idea what they put on it--and it hurt so much!-- but it was delicious! Chasing it with the pineapple drink almost felt like a religious experience. The burning fizzling was just what I needed. I closed my eyes and briefly imagined I was in Mexico in my pretty new dress dancing some exotic dance.

I have another hour before I have to go back for the caregiving gig. The hours are spread out through out the day. I called my mom at some point too.

I have this restless, lonely feeling. I feel like I need something and don't know what it is. Liquor? Blackjack? A sunburn? A cigarette? A literal roller coaster ride? Driving to the coast and laying in the sand? Swimming in the saltwater until just the moment before hypothermia sets in? Driving to Eastern Washington and making tumble weed sculptures? Moving to Alaska? It's like I need to feel the edge of life, to feeling the actual blood pumping in my veins. Times like this I miss Sleeping Bear dunes in Michigan. I used to go there when I felt this way. I used to climb up the tallest dune, and then jump down, running and falling into Lake Michigan until I felt healed and/or whole again. Maybe I just need to clean my apartment.

boy drama subsiding, life continues at a fever pitch.

I really don't know how I found time to have such an unusually large amount of boy drama in my life the last couple of months. Hmm. In sum: Just when I thought I was out.....

In other news having 3 different calendars finally caught up with me today and I found myself needing to be in 3 places at once. Handled it ok: jobs first then church. I missed the committee meeting by two hours, but at least everyone was understanding. I really thought there was a chance the meeting might still actually be going on at 8:30pm at night, but I guess fortunately for the other committee members, it wasn't!

Found time to catch up on some of my bible reading. Made it through Amos, Jonah and almost through Hosea. Probably the neatest thing was realizing the emphasis on communities and anti-violence in Amos. Through out that whole book God is pissed off because people are killing each other, robbing the poor, and celebrating while it is happening. I don't know what has changed, but this time reading through God seemed merciful instead of vengeful. An unusual experience for me. Normally when I read the Old Testament I do not leave with a nice impression of God.

Also I have been reading with the idea that scripture is the way people back then tried to interpret all kinds of events around them: political, environmental events, wars etc. A lot of times the writers conclude God is doing something, and then try to guess why from within their religious paradigms. It's just neat to read it that way.

Jonah was also cool when I realized the point wasn't about some stupid hypothetical whale (and that dumb whale only takes up 3 verses, which if you ignore, totally improves the story!), but about God's mercy. Jonah actually seems like kind of a jerk. Anyway, there's an update on my "spiritual life". Maybe I shouldn't box it off from the rest of my life.

I am so exhausted!

the church of christ can't steal me, cuz "i'm so glad to be a methodist" ****

Well, its official. I'm a United Methodist. Really at this point it was just a formality to actually join the church. I've been going to this same church for about a year and a half now. I really wanted to join to seal the deal, especially since the church is about to go through a lot of transition with the pastor leaving. Also, because of my work with many local churches, people always ask me if I'm a Methodist or not and it will be nice to have an answer! Finally, since I go to multiple services and am occasionally tempted into thinking maybe I should instead be a UCer or even a Unitarian, I just wanted to seal the deal before someone tries to make me an actual bribe!

It was so nice to have people welcome me and say nice things. It's really a great church and I feel lucky to be part of such a caring community! Last week in adult education for example, I admitted that I have no 401k. I was the only one there not concerned about retirement, apparently, since afterall, I'm only 26, right! Well today after church an older gentleman from the class come up to me, grabbed my arm and said "Maria, I have been worrying and praying for you all week! You don't have a retirement plan and I am as concerned about that for you as I would be for one of my own kids". I almost started to cry! I just couldn't believe how much this person cared about me!

It was so nice to go out with my good friend Marcy and her parents after church. Lots of jokes about learning the secret methodist handshake, getting my club card and lots of "best wishes with John Wesley" (which is funny, since I am quite a Wesley fan, otherwise, I wouldn't have ever come to the Methodist church in the first place! I guess it just feels nice to have this settled so I don't think about well, "should i join the church or not" so much. I even had a few seconds of cold feet after christian education class, where the class had spent the morning talking about veterans and supporting the troops. Not that I don't support the troops or anything, I just felt, well, immersed in diverse opinion, how's that? But it's okay. I don't have to agree with everyone. Diversity, difference of opinion, being exposed to a multiplicity of viewpoints is good in the end.

In general I am doing a lot better. Looking forward to playing softball in a few weeks, nervous about basically not being able to go to church for a few months though because of my new weekend job. But what I will refer to from here as the "recent boy drama" aka "turns out the guy was a phenomenal jerk" stuff has subsided. The only time my faith doesn't work is when I forget about grace. I get so wrapped up in doing good deeds, people telling me I am such a great person, I start to feel maybe too good about myself, and then when I really fuck up (and not even on purpose) or when something goes wrong I wonder why it is happening, am shocked. It's grace and undeserved mercy from God that motivates me to help people, to be engaged in my community. It's not because I am a good person! And it's grace and mercy from God that I should allow to comfort me when I screw up, or when other peoples actions out of my control affect my life in a painful way. Easier said than remembered!

****not sure if those are the lyrics to the "go methodists" song or not, but i still think it is too funny that there is a song like that!

joining the church and then giving it up...but for a good reason

So I am hurting for money. Badly. Grant money is running out. Things should get better after July 1st when we start the new year and have more funding, but right now my hours are cut (in theory anyway, really I am just working almost the same amount but getting paid several hundred dollars less a month!)

So I prayed about this and yesterday one of my favorite church people called me out of the blue to ask me if I would take care of a church member with MS. I have no experience doing this and said so, but she has a woman willing to train me. It turns out I know most of her friends- they are all church people too. Today I met with the lady and she is so wonderful! The catch is that the times she needs me to take care of her are every single time I have something church related or could possibly attend church: saturday nights, sunday morning and sunday nights.

I thought about it long and hard. I thought about telling her I couldn't do it because I wanted to go to church. I couldn't say that to her. I felt so strongly that God wanted me to take care of her and to hang out with her, and that this would also be a great way to help supplement my income. So I told her that I could commit for 3 to 4 months and then we could go from there. Even though I am terrified of going without church, I feel peace about it.

So that's how it came to be that I am joining the church this Sunday, but then never going to be there during service (with the exception of our pastors going away party on June 8, where I am also going to read scripture) for the next 3-4 months, maybe longer. What I am giving up is Sunday morning sunday school, sunday morning service my small group (mosaic), and the compline service. I know there is a small group that meets Thursday nights at St. Johns for communion, and the bible class still meets at my church on Wednesdays. Maybe that will be enough. Also, one of my pastors is doing a group I think Mondays on Brian McClaren.. but then I have softball Monday nights starting in June so that might not work.

All I know is that I could NOT tell that woman I would not help her because I wanted to go to church instead. Those words would not come out of my mouth. And I genuinely want to do it. So, hello church membership and goodbye church. It should be interesting and sad and faith developing all at once. I am going to miss the people, the messages, the friendships. But its only for a little while!

ADD in church, stupid life lessons and softball

I'm the kind of person that tries to guess what the present is before I open it. With my relationship with God I am also the kind of person that tries to guess what God may be trying to tell me or teach me in specific situations. Lately I have been not doing such a great job at guessing! It's only after I do some really fucked up thing that I pause and realize, "well, at least I know what God WASNT trying to teach me!"

Lately I have ADD in church. I drool through the doxologies and zone out during angelic chanting. During prayer I think cynical thoughts and wonder how pissed God may or may not be for various mistakes I've made; its like being an evangelical 19 year old again! I'm not sure how to fix this.

How do you discern and follow the will of God when God also seems zoned out from earth, absent, whatever. I know, I believe God exists, that I have a relationship with God. But I think its possible to get caught up in doing good deeds and just turn down the volume on trying to listen or even care about what God might think. It's sort of like coming around full circle. When I was younger I ended up leaving the faith for a variety of reasons, but the number one reason was because it wasn't working for me and I didn't want to be a hypocrite.

Old age seems to have made me much more comfortable with hypocrisy!

update: i have abandoned my blog!

I've sort of abandoned this blog for a new secret diary kind of blog. How hilarious is that? Why do I need to write my thoughts on the internet anyway? I guess I don't want them on my computer..
Anyway I just didn't feel like I could write here anymore with as much honesty I need. I think what I really need is a journal that I can write in for a few days and then burn!

All and all, life is good! Dating a great guy, dealing with family crap, being poor, trying to do as many good deeds as possible as well as my actual job and then figure out why I still coming up feeling empty sometimes!@ AH well, its part of life. I just have to wait to get into my mid 30s, then maybe i won't feel so much damn ANGST all of the freaking time!

asdoijasfaj

The Abstraction Poem

this is a poem i have been working on and off again on since 2004. It is what it is, i guess. I sort of want to be done with it, so i am posting it.

The Abstraction Poem

I.

They were. That's two not one.
Two separate impressions.
Two trees standing next to each other. They disagreed
on the level that one or both were level.
Both upright, both upright they were both so up
right. They both were.

Hummed one there were two separate trees standing or shifting
toward each other toward a position where they could not see each other
there together in a forest. They were never

they were never anything but these two
trees in a silent forest where the soil was deep.

Someone said the silence was always
a forest, that it was hard to see the silence
for the trees. Someone else was the silence.

Then there was rain and there was pain.
Someone was happy but it was not recorded.
Someone else searched for the meaning of this other
but then they could not. I cannot.
I was that person but I am not.
He is that person but he was not.
We were two trees and two rains falling silently in a forest silence.

There were two trees, she spoke. She swore
I swore there were two trees but he said you said there were not.
There was rain and
noisy sadness. He She We They were two
separate and never decibel spoke the same.

Each rain a different pain or happiness.
Each rain falling in a different direction.
Each rain a different disaster.

II

Once I took a poetry class
where they said it was a good idea
and an interesting exercise to create
a poem where the entire first half
of the poem lied. Then, accordingly,
you could come clean in the second part
and develop this honest tone of voice
and through this honest tone of voice the poem
could take on a tone of redemption.

Have I redeemed myself yet? I tried
to figure out if I should say what those trees
and disaster meant, lie about them
or try to force more ambiguous meaning
into what ambiguity was already there. Was it
there? Is that ambiguous? Am I redeemed?

Even today I am not even sure I can say what it all meant
though I understand the mercy in silence.
Can you understand?

I am not lying but I still do not know
of any particular truth behind these things.