1. Yesterday mom and i drove the truck to town and at the store I ran into a woman from my old church. It was really good to see her, but a weird thing happened when we started talking. I noticed she was using a lot of church speak. I had sort of forgotten about this I guess. She started talking about how one of the old pastors of that church had been filling in as pastor for another church and "then he got the calling" and how the "church is ready to receive" and how "God doubled" this and that and how so and she was glad to see me so "blessed". I just sort of nodded and smiled. I guess I forgot about all that jargon.
2.There are two people in this world who cause me more emotion and pain than I think anyone should have to experience. One of these people is my step-grandmother on my mom's side. My step-grandmother makes me feel extreme rage when I see or think about her. I am so angry at her, I cannot think straight. I have to separate myself from her because being around her is unhealthy for me personally. I honestly believe I am justified in hating her because of what she did to my mother. My mom on the other hand is a saint and is trying to have a relationship with her. I cannot stand this. The other person who just thinking about causes unfathomable pain is my father. I only feel dull anger when I think about him. No rage there anymore, the reality of his life and actions have in some ways destroyed me. Instead of feeling rage about my father whenever someone mentions anything having to do with fatherhood or fathers in general I feel like I am being repeatedly stabbed. Sometimes I have even caught myself flinching. But at least I don't have to see my father.
My mom invited her stepmother over for dinner and to my horror they accepted. Is it unchristian of me to hate these people? I really honestly feel justified, outraged and everything else in disliking them. I know that you are supposed to forgive people. But I think there are exceptions. How convenient for me I guess.
I had to cut these people out of my life for my own self-preservation, but now in adulthood I am biannually forced to pretend like everything is dandy, to fake that everything is and always has been wonderful. What a crock.
God have mercy on me, but I will never be able to forgive this woman. I mean come on, at some point doesn't self-perseverance take precedence over forgiving? I cannot think about these people or I will not be able to function. Maybe that's why God created alcohol.
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4 comments:
1. Wow yeah. I know what you mean. People here don't use that language, and so I'm always surprised when friends from other places have those kinds of experiences. A close conservative Christian friend from high school devoted his life to God and went to Bible College - when he got back, he definitely spoke more like this which was weird for me even though I am Christian.
2. I guess all you can do is try to balance. I don't think God wants you to hate people, nor does he want you to hurt yourself. Forgiveness is hard. So perhaps just aim to try not to let them bother you. Instead focus on how nice it is to be with the family you do love being around, be glad that your partner is there to support you, and be glad for all the things you are thankful for.
I know that with your loving heart you can make it through this with minimal fistfights. :]
Thanks Marcy, you are a good friend. I have been away from the Christian jargon long enough now that it really was absolutely bizarre. I just sort of wanted to say to this lady, "so how are you really doing? are you really okay?" etc. Ah, who knows, I'm sure she really was doing fine, its just a wierd way to speak if you are not used to being around it.
As for the family stuff- you are right. I have simmered down a bit I guess. The comment about fistfights made me laugh, so thank you! Evan is very supportive, I am very lucky. He unfortunately caught a cold from some guy on the plane...maybe you could pray for him if you think of it. Peace.
hey there :)
I second that "wow"! I cant imagine being in that family situation period, let alone around the holidays. Maybe that's why Paul writes in Romans 12:21 to not be overcome by evil, but to overcome evil with good/love...not that YOU'RE evil and not that I even know what that looks like to overcome the evil of your step-gma and dad with love...it just popped in my mind as I was writting.
ANYWAY, welcome back to MI for the holidays. I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving and thanks for your thoughts on my little space on the internet :)
cheers,
-jeremy
Jeremy- hola! Thanks for the welcome back and also the empathy. I am actually a pretty good juggler of these things from a distance. In this particular instance I was sparred at the last minute from having to deal with it at all-- I am not sure why but I am thankful! I hope that I have time to find peace somehow about this before I have to see her again next year.
I wonder how to be overcome by love in the midst of evil, others and especially our own. How exactly does that happen. peace
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