I have been having a lot of dreams lately. Dreams of the past, dreams of the present, dreams of the future. Last night I dreamed that I ran into the guy I dated and that he was stricken with sadness and couldn't look me in the eye. At the very end of the dream we made eye contact with each other, seeming to express a kind of mutual understanding of having made a mistake with other and of having forgiven one another. I think I finally have peace about that whole experience/ relationship.
It has been difficult for me to get perspective on the last year of my life. Only in the last month or two have I been able to see how wounded I was from the end of my relationship with Evan. There were several months where I locked myself alone in my apartment and drank too much. There was the blackjack gambling spree I went on for several months, during that same time period, during those nights I didn't want consolation from my friends, and didn't want to be alone in the apartment either. There was that guy that I liked so much, the one I know now was a rebound, and I can admit that it was a rebound now, even though at that time I thought I was smarter than that. I can see how I gave up many things, and started bad habits-- like smoking cigarettes, all over again.
I have other dreams now. I have been thinking about what I want to do, about what would bring me happiness and fulfillment and about how I could best use my gifts and talents to serve others. I love the idea of eventually working for some sort of progressive faith based social services agency. Maybe that would be my dream job.
I always make eye contact with people in my dreams. Sometimes my dreams help me act out and experiment with things I would never do or say in real life. A lot of times my dreams have to do with relationships and life changing decisions I could make.
Especially now, coming up on a year of employment, I feel like I have so many options. It's hard to know what to do. Should I apply to graduate school and study theology, working toward the MDiv so that one day I can work in a faith based capacity toward social change? Should I apply for a better paying job with benefits and wait longer to see if God will somehow lead me in a different direction?
I want to be more in the habit of asking God what God would want me to do, and how I can best help people. I know that is my calling, to help and serve others. Sometimes I forget this and get whiny. I want to do that less. How do we keep from burning out, how do we stay focused and keep our faith alive with all of the depth of love and peace that I know God offers each of us? These are just some random thoughts, some rhetorical questions. It's hard though to let go of the sensation, the inkling, the intuition or feeling that I am very much in the beginning of a life called to service, to be an instrument of God's compassion and mercy.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
if I ventured in the slipstream
The other day I got really high and listened to Van Morrison's Astral Weeks. It was the first time I'd listened to the whole album since last fall. It made me remember the grace I felt like I was experiencing back then. I'd ride around the inlet on my bike, stopping to take pictures of the water, the changing leaves, the animals.
It felt like everything around me was a testimony of God's love. I would go hiking with Evan. He would walk way ahead of me and I would have to stop and take pictures of the way the light danced through the trees and made curving shadows. It was like I was fascinated with literal light. I look back at some of the pictures I took last fall and indeed they record hundreds of variations of the two.
Somehow I have lost this awe, this wonderment, that state I was in-- one of bewilderment even, of infatuation stumbling toward anything and everything I even had the slightest idea might be by or of or for God.
I go to church now pretty faithfully. I love the people there. I usually look forward to going, where before I would often dread it. I sit in the same place every week and know how everything is supposed to go. I know the drill, I guess you could say. I feel comfortable there. But I also feel loved.
Sometimes I even think vaguely about God while I am there.
But I miss that deep sense of breathlessness that I got riding around Priest Point Park, taking big deep gulps of life and knowing they were from God.
It felt like everything around me was a testimony of God's love. I would go hiking with Evan. He would walk way ahead of me and I would have to stop and take pictures of the way the light danced through the trees and made curving shadows. It was like I was fascinated with literal light. I look back at some of the pictures I took last fall and indeed they record hundreds of variations of the two.
Somehow I have lost this awe, this wonderment, that state I was in-- one of bewilderment even, of infatuation stumbling toward anything and everything I even had the slightest idea might be by or of or for God.
I go to church now pretty faithfully. I love the people there. I usually look forward to going, where before I would often dread it. I sit in the same place every week and know how everything is supposed to go. I know the drill, I guess you could say. I feel comfortable there. But I also feel loved.
Sometimes I even think vaguely about God while I am there.
But I miss that deep sense of breathlessness that I got riding around Priest Point Park, taking big deep gulps of life and knowing they were from God.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
life
Things have been very busy. My sister is visiting from Virginia and I had a couple of days off last week to have fun with her. We went to Mt Rainier over the weekend and managed to escape the recent blistering heat (that has thankfully subsided into the usual oddly wonderful rain). It was great to explore all of the park and go up to the Sunrise area, as I had never been there before. We briefly contemplated jumping off cliffs into the Ohanapechosh river, but hadn't brought a change of clothes and ultimately decided to forgo that adventure this time around. It was still very nice and good to spend time with her.
On Sunday I went and got the dog, Honey, from one of the several houses I am watching right now, and piled into my brother's 86 Honda with my sister, brother and of course, Honey. We headed up to Lower Lena. It was fun to have Honey with us and wonderful to be able to hike with her off leash. As we hiked we heard nearby rare thunderstorms in the distance, which I really appreciated. I still miss thunderstorms considerably. Later in the evening Liz and I went to the compline service at the episcopal church here in town. I don't think I will ever get over how calming, peaceful and angelic that service is. I always feel strengthened afterwards, and I love to have that chance each week to admit my shortcomings before God while still feeling so much of what I can only describe as divine love. It's transformational to be able to hear the message of God's grace sung out like that, every week. I am very thankful for it.
Monday it was back to work, and I really threw myself into things trying to get a large mailing done, having to secure a venue at the last minute for a recognition event when the original venue fell through. I was actually saved by the Methodist church. When I called to see if we could book the space, I was surprised to learn that their secretary knew me as "mosaic Maria" from our small group/ emergent gathering we had been having weekly until June when everyone decided to take a break and spend some time re-imagining our purpose and focus. Anyway, today when I was able to confirm that space for the event I was so very much thankful and happy and felt really blessed for those friendships.
Today was more work, looking over a grant narrative, interviewing 2 volunteers, driving to Hoodsport (what a beautiful trip) and then back to Shelton for a staff meeting. My director sent me an email confirming my full time status for the time being. What she doesn't know is that I was offered and turned down a 3/4 time position as a caseworker in Olympia. The pay was a little better, but it was 3/4 times-- though they had a decent benefits package. When my hours were cut in June, I thought about leaving, but really wanted to stay. On a whim I only applied to one place in July-- to a local social services agency. Right after I applied our other coordinator unexpectedly quit and my hours were put back to full time. Two weeks later I was called in for an interview and offered the position at the beginning of August. Time goes by so fast.
Here are my desires right now: To work at my current job as close to full time as possible, for as long as possible. I simply love my job. I never wanted to leave, even when my hours were cut, but I really need to make a certain amount of money. In the end though, I am glad I stayed. I really respect and admire my director and I know she is looking for more grant money to try and extend my hours in this county. I am trying to have faith, because what I really want right now is to stay at my current job.
If I go back down to less than 30-35 hours, I am not sure what I will do. My second choice is to study theology. My third choice is to work for a social services agency. Anyway enough about work for now.
Tomorrow is the Radiohead concert with Liz. I can't believe its tomorrow! I havent really let it sink in yet, but I am so excited!!! Thursday is Denise's funeral. Friday is an ESL training, along with Saturday (and before the training I will take Liz back to Seatac).
One week from tomorrow I will be 27. Time goes by so fast.
On Sunday I went and got the dog, Honey, from one of the several houses I am watching right now, and piled into my brother's 86 Honda with my sister, brother and of course, Honey. We headed up to Lower Lena. It was fun to have Honey with us and wonderful to be able to hike with her off leash. As we hiked we heard nearby rare thunderstorms in the distance, which I really appreciated. I still miss thunderstorms considerably. Later in the evening Liz and I went to the compline service at the episcopal church here in town. I don't think I will ever get over how calming, peaceful and angelic that service is. I always feel strengthened afterwards, and I love to have that chance each week to admit my shortcomings before God while still feeling so much of what I can only describe as divine love. It's transformational to be able to hear the message of God's grace sung out like that, every week. I am very thankful for it.
Monday it was back to work, and I really threw myself into things trying to get a large mailing done, having to secure a venue at the last minute for a recognition event when the original venue fell through. I was actually saved by the Methodist church. When I called to see if we could book the space, I was surprised to learn that their secretary knew me as "mosaic Maria" from our small group/ emergent gathering we had been having weekly until June when everyone decided to take a break and spend some time re-imagining our purpose and focus. Anyway, today when I was able to confirm that space for the event I was so very much thankful and happy and felt really blessed for those friendships.
Today was more work, looking over a grant narrative, interviewing 2 volunteers, driving to Hoodsport (what a beautiful trip) and then back to Shelton for a staff meeting. My director sent me an email confirming my full time status for the time being. What she doesn't know is that I was offered and turned down a 3/4 time position as a caseworker in Olympia. The pay was a little better, but it was 3/4 times-- though they had a decent benefits package. When my hours were cut in June, I thought about leaving, but really wanted to stay. On a whim I only applied to one place in July-- to a local social services agency. Right after I applied our other coordinator unexpectedly quit and my hours were put back to full time. Two weeks later I was called in for an interview and offered the position at the beginning of August. Time goes by so fast.
Here are my desires right now: To work at my current job as close to full time as possible, for as long as possible. I simply love my job. I never wanted to leave, even when my hours were cut, but I really need to make a certain amount of money. In the end though, I am glad I stayed. I really respect and admire my director and I know she is looking for more grant money to try and extend my hours in this county. I am trying to have faith, because what I really want right now is to stay at my current job.
If I go back down to less than 30-35 hours, I am not sure what I will do. My second choice is to study theology. My third choice is to work for a social services agency. Anyway enough about work for now.
Tomorrow is the Radiohead concert with Liz. I can't believe its tomorrow! I havent really let it sink in yet, but I am so excited!!! Thursday is Denise's funeral. Friday is an ESL training, along with Saturday (and before the training I will take Liz back to Seatac).
One week from tomorrow I will be 27. Time goes by so fast.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
very scary experience
I just had a very scary encounter with a stranger in the Albertson's parking lot near my house. I pulled into a parking spot, got out of my car, and heard a voice come from a nearby silverish/white colored pick up truck, "Way to go, bitch!" Now. Most of you know I am not the kind of person to get into a conversation with someone like this. I generally just ignore situations I think are dangerous, but in this case I was genuinely perplexed about what this guy's problem was, plus I couldn't believe he was talking to me, so I stopped in my tracks, looked at him in the window and said "excuse me?" And he said, "nice job pulling into the parking spot". I was confused, looked at my car, saw it was parked between the lines and said, "my car is in the lines, I don't understand what the problem is". He said, "my problem is stupid bitches like you that drive too fast". I should have walked away at this point, but I something instinctive inside of myself wanted to stand up for myself and I unthinkingly about the danger said, "well, I wish you had better things to do." He said, "okay ugly bitch" at which point (this is so stupid looking back) I gave him the finger and then walked into the store. I should not have done this, I just felt so accosted by him, I wanted to hurt him back. In retrospect I shouldn't have done it because it pissed him off and made the situation more dangerous.
Instead of shopping, I only picked up one item, because I was starting to get a really bad feeling and wanted to get out of there before he damaged my car. I was also nervous about whether or not he had followed me into the store. As I walked out of the door to the store, I turned around and saw he was about 100 feet behind me. I got about 20 feet into the parking lot, trying not to freak out, turned around and he was about 40 feet behind me at which point I said "you better not fuck with me". This clearly pissed him off more and he started jogging at me like he was going to attack. At this point I screamed for help. A guy walking into the store stopped along with a female Albertson's employee and turned to look. This made the scary guy stop in his tracks. I told the clerk I felt threatened and asked if she would walk me back to my car. The guy kept glaring at me the whole time. Maybe I should've called the cops, but what would I have said? It was really scary. It shook me up. This is the first time I have ever had a confrontation like this and I have to admit I locked my door when I got home. I hope I never ever see this person again.
Instead of shopping, I only picked up one item, because I was starting to get a really bad feeling and wanted to get out of there before he damaged my car. I was also nervous about whether or not he had followed me into the store. As I walked out of the door to the store, I turned around and saw he was about 100 feet behind me. I got about 20 feet into the parking lot, trying not to freak out, turned around and he was about 40 feet behind me at which point I said "you better not fuck with me". This clearly pissed him off more and he started jogging at me like he was going to attack. At this point I screamed for help. A guy walking into the store stopped along with a female Albertson's employee and turned to look. This made the scary guy stop in his tracks. I told the clerk I felt threatened and asked if she would walk me back to my car. The guy kept glaring at me the whole time. Maybe I should've called the cops, but what would I have said? It was really scary. It shook me up. This is the first time I have ever had a confrontation like this and I have to admit I locked my door when I got home. I hope I never ever see this person again.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
feeling good
I had a very good day today. It was cooler outside, which was nice. I accomplished much at work, and at the end of the day, was supposed to match a student with a tutor. Surprisingly, the tutor didn't show up. This almost never happens. So I decided to tutor the student myself.
It was so fulfilling just hanging out and talking to the student, and helping her myself. I hardly ever get to do that, because my job is mainly made up of administrative and managing type tasks. It made me feel so good. I've been taking a break from volunteering and working with the student helped me remember how great it makes me feel.
Later on, after a delicious wonderful dinner my brother made, I decided to go for a long walk to a park just a few miles away. It felt so good.
It was so fulfilling just hanging out and talking to the student, and helping her myself. I hardly ever get to do that, because my job is mainly made up of administrative and managing type tasks. It made me feel so good. I've been taking a break from volunteering and working with the student helped me remember how great it makes me feel.
Later on, after a delicious wonderful dinner my brother made, I decided to go for a long walk to a park just a few miles away. It felt so good.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
CHURCHINESS
Funny thing happened at church last Sunday. I was up in the balcony, singing the last song before communion. As the song ended and everyone started to get ready to take communion, I noticed the volunteer servers attempting to serve the folks that are responsible for running all the sound equipment first. Nothing seemed wrong with this. I've been on the balcony for communion before and serving them first certainly didn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary.
Yet suddenly and dramatically just as the servers were offering the bread and wine, this older crotchety fellow started raising his voice at the servers, saying "no! no!" The servers didn't hear them above the organ music. "NO!" he yelled, even louder continuing, "WE START OVER HERE!!" he said really meanly as the shocked communion servers looked visibly startled. He pointed at me and said "YOU! NOW!" I was equally shocked, but stood up-- I was sitting in the very last row and it was clear the show wasn't going to go on (and indeed at this point it felt like a "show") until the servers complied and stopped their attempt to feed the sound people first. So, I walked down to the very hurt and frightened looking servers and as they served me communion I tried to tell them it was ok, they were doing great and not to listen to that guy. The whole incident was really...well....CHURCHY.
Yet suddenly and dramatically just as the servers were offering the bread and wine, this older crotchety fellow started raising his voice at the servers, saying "no! no!" The servers didn't hear them above the organ music. "NO!" he yelled, even louder continuing, "WE START OVER HERE!!" he said really meanly as the shocked communion servers looked visibly startled. He pointed at me and said "YOU! NOW!" I was equally shocked, but stood up-- I was sitting in the very last row and it was clear the show wasn't going to go on (and indeed at this point it felt like a "show") until the servers complied and stopped their attempt to feed the sound people first. So, I walked down to the very hurt and frightened looking servers and as they served me communion I tried to tell them it was ok, they were doing great and not to listen to that guy. The whole incident was really...well....CHURCHY.
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