now this is praise music-- and this and this too.
goes best with red wine
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
3 recent poems
the foggy
the start of
the opening of
the blindness was never like a tunnel you could almost
escape--it was a mediocre vision.
Seeing the fog, knowing the fog, talking openly, honestly about the fog--
I was situated in the blindness and writing songs about the fog.
It had been a long time since the trouble started.
the wind
Always trying to find synonyms for near-sightedness:
spiting the forest to see only wholly unconnected
trees. Take this one
fine and reaching truth—its trunk hiked the sky
until clouds exaggerated its arms until
the tree was lost in mist and then mystical. Some saw this
happen/maybe they weren't even there/sure but still felt
something happened possibly. Okay. Fine,
though later the tree-high truth of this maybe was still moving at me.
grace
He was in white
laying flat on a slate
being lifted up into the light.
God had said hey!
(Abraham thought) I think I want
you (to kill this bird)!
Unfortunately for Kid A
the old man had already drank the koolaid.
Hey there little Isaac,
its not just you. God made my
daddy a schizophrenic too.
the start of
the opening of
the blindness was never like a tunnel you could almost
escape--it was a mediocre vision.
Seeing the fog, knowing the fog, talking openly, honestly about the fog--
I was situated in the blindness and writing songs about the fog.
It had been a long time since the trouble started.
the wind
Always trying to find synonyms for near-sightedness:
spiting the forest to see only wholly unconnected
trees. Take this one
fine and reaching truth—its trunk hiked the sky
until clouds exaggerated its arms until
the tree was lost in mist and then mystical. Some saw this
happen/maybe they weren't even there/sure but still felt
something happened possibly. Okay. Fine,
though later the tree-high truth of this maybe was still moving at me.
grace
He was in white
laying flat on a slate
being lifted up into the light.
God had said hey!
(Abraham thought) I think I want
you (to kill this bird)!
Unfortunately for Kid A
the old man had already drank the koolaid.
Hey there little Isaac,
its not just you. God made my
daddy a schizophrenic too.
you think its going to end, but then it keeps going
This is something I wrote January 12th and then quickly deleted it off this blog. Tonight I started to write a different post about the same events--it made me remember that I had already written this and could just repost it.
When I was very young (about 4 or 5) my mom, brother, sister and i attended a baptist church southwest of Detroit. My hair was very long then, way passed my waist and the church ladies constantly gave me and my mom compliments about it. One of those ladies told my mom a trick about combing out curly hair with conditioner in it while still wet, which I still do today. I can't remember this lady's name, but she was really nice. When we stopped going to that church us kids missed it so much that mom started taking us to the beach every weekend instead.
My mom later revealed to me that she really only went to that church in order to be able to sing in the music program and also to get away from our abusive dad. In fact, the minister of that church eventually encouraged my mom to divorce my dad even though he had initially tried to get her to make it work. One Sunday while my friends Megan and Erin were over, my dad got into a fight with my mom and ended up shoving her through the glass window of the backdoor. The back of her head was cut very badly and she needed stitches. After that we were in a women's shelter for 3 months until the divorce was final. My dad still came around after that, at one point trying to kidnap us kids, another time breaking down the front door of the house and attacking our mom. This was in the 80s before domestic violence and restraining orders were really being taken seriously (not that things are anywhere near perfect now).
Anyway there was no children's teacher one night at this Baptist church and we stayed around for the Sunday night service. I remember the minister screamed. At the end of his message he had some sort of invitation to accept Jesus and I went forward. I was 5. I've thought about this many times and in the past have even been angry at the thought of some minister frightening a 5 yr old kid so bad they thought they were going to hell and so needed to accept Christ. But I'm not really sure that's what happened. I was really young. I can't remember it well. Sometimes I feel like I really was called then. Maybe that was the first and last time I ever willingly, completely innocently and excitedly did what I thought God was telling me to at the time!
A few years later I went to a different Baptist church for a couple of years around age 10-12. That church is a whole other story. We had penny races during vacation bible school and bible drills where we would race to find the verse in order to win a prize. I can remember going to the middle school age kid's group and hearing a story about a family caught in a car accident. The mom and dad made it out of the car alive, but their little boy was stuck inside. They stood outside the car as it engulfed in flames and begged the boy to accept Christ. He didn't do it. The teacher then asked us whether or not we thought the boy would go to heaven. Unfortunately he would not, we were informed. He went to hell forever because he didn't "accept Jesus as his Savior". I also remember being told to imagine the idea of "forever". I can even almost remember the way they explained it: "You think its going to end, but then it keeps going... and then you think the end is coming, but then it keeps going"
Another time at that second (same) Baptist church I remember being in a room with lots of other kids during what must have been vacation bible school. The leader gave a talk about being called by God. Then he had us bow our heads and close our eyes to pray.
He said that whoever felt like God was calling should raise their hand. I didn't feel anything. I didn't raise my hand.
Instead I peeked and saw at least five people with their hands up.
I wished that I had felt something.
When I was very young (about 4 or 5) my mom, brother, sister and i attended a baptist church southwest of Detroit. My hair was very long then, way passed my waist and the church ladies constantly gave me and my mom compliments about it. One of those ladies told my mom a trick about combing out curly hair with conditioner in it while still wet, which I still do today. I can't remember this lady's name, but she was really nice. When we stopped going to that church us kids missed it so much that mom started taking us to the beach every weekend instead.
My mom later revealed to me that she really only went to that church in order to be able to sing in the music program and also to get away from our abusive dad. In fact, the minister of that church eventually encouraged my mom to divorce my dad even though he had initially tried to get her to make it work. One Sunday while my friends Megan and Erin were over, my dad got into a fight with my mom and ended up shoving her through the glass window of the backdoor. The back of her head was cut very badly and she needed stitches. After that we were in a women's shelter for 3 months until the divorce was final. My dad still came around after that, at one point trying to kidnap us kids, another time breaking down the front door of the house and attacking our mom. This was in the 80s before domestic violence and restraining orders were really being taken seriously (not that things are anywhere near perfect now).
Anyway there was no children's teacher one night at this Baptist church and we stayed around for the Sunday night service. I remember the minister screamed. At the end of his message he had some sort of invitation to accept Jesus and I went forward. I was 5. I've thought about this many times and in the past have even been angry at the thought of some minister frightening a 5 yr old kid so bad they thought they were going to hell and so needed to accept Christ. But I'm not really sure that's what happened. I was really young. I can't remember it well. Sometimes I feel like I really was called then. Maybe that was the first and last time I ever willingly, completely innocently and excitedly did what I thought God was telling me to at the time!
A few years later I went to a different Baptist church for a couple of years around age 10-12. That church is a whole other story. We had penny races during vacation bible school and bible drills where we would race to find the verse in order to win a prize. I can remember going to the middle school age kid's group and hearing a story about a family caught in a car accident. The mom and dad made it out of the car alive, but their little boy was stuck inside. They stood outside the car as it engulfed in flames and begged the boy to accept Christ. He didn't do it. The teacher then asked us whether or not we thought the boy would go to heaven. Unfortunately he would not, we were informed. He went to hell forever because he didn't "accept Jesus as his Savior". I also remember being told to imagine the idea of "forever". I can even almost remember the way they explained it: "You think its going to end, but then it keeps going... and then you think the end is coming, but then it keeps going"
Another time at that second (same) Baptist church I remember being in a room with lots of other kids during what must have been vacation bible school. The leader gave a talk about being called by God. Then he had us bow our heads and close our eyes to pray.
He said that whoever felt like God was calling should raise their hand. I didn't feel anything. I didn't raise my hand.
Instead I peeked and saw at least five people with their hands up.
I wished that I had felt something.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
my cup runneth over
I love my job! I'm starting to feel like I really know what I am doing. That makes it a lot of fun. Tonight I went to the high school where some of our programs take place. Everyone was really happy to see me because they know I am the person who recruits all the volunteers. It was so great to be able to talk to everyone and find out what they need. I love being able to help others and give people what they need!
I was able to observe several classes that I had placed volunteers in and that was really neat. I even got to talk with some of the students, even though my spanish is pretty shady! But I still know some--and they knew enough english so that we were able to have a pretty decent conversation! I'm still not really sure how to say "volunteer coordinator" in spanish. I think I know but then my pronunciation sucks! Anyway it was great.
Also just the atmosphere in which I work. I mean the environment at work but also the literal environment. I love the drive to work! It is so beautiful! Every day even if I am grumpy in the morning, just driving to work cheers me up! I am so lucky! I mean seriously! I know all the complications that come once you start thanking God for you lot in life (doesn't God care about the people suffering right NOW etc). It doesn't matter. People cared about me when I was suffering and I don't know why, but because of all of those people, I actually made it through to a very good place. So, being able to give back is deeply rewarding.
As far as spiritual stuff goes, I am doing a lot better! I think I am really starting to feel more peace. I am still nervous as hell, but I figure God is so merciful and loving, why would he ask me to do something that would make me miserable?! Lately I am better at praying about my anger. It is helping. It will probably be something I have to continue doing for a long time, but that's okay!
I just feel very fulfilled. Also, Evan and I are talking. I am not really sure what is going to happen, but I have a new peace about things.
I was able to observe several classes that I had placed volunteers in and that was really neat. I even got to talk with some of the students, even though my spanish is pretty shady! But I still know some--and they knew enough english so that we were able to have a pretty decent conversation! I'm still not really sure how to say "volunteer coordinator" in spanish. I think I know but then my pronunciation sucks! Anyway it was great.
Also just the atmosphere in which I work. I mean the environment at work but also the literal environment. I love the drive to work! It is so beautiful! Every day even if I am grumpy in the morning, just driving to work cheers me up! I am so lucky! I mean seriously! I know all the complications that come once you start thanking God for you lot in life (doesn't God care about the people suffering right NOW etc). It doesn't matter. People cared about me when I was suffering and I don't know why, but because of all of those people, I actually made it through to a very good place. So, being able to give back is deeply rewarding.
As far as spiritual stuff goes, I am doing a lot better! I think I am really starting to feel more peace. I am still nervous as hell, but I figure God is so merciful and loving, why would he ask me to do something that would make me miserable?! Lately I am better at praying about my anger. It is helping. It will probably be something I have to continue doing for a long time, but that's okay!
I just feel very fulfilled. Also, Evan and I are talking. I am not really sure what is going to happen, but I have a new peace about things.
Monday, February 18, 2008
time flies
I have the day off work today and that is nice. Yesterday I went up to Hood Canal in the afternoon and laid on the beach for awhile in the sun-- which was really really good for me. I tried to get to the trailhead at the lower Skokomish but there was too much snow. In fact, I am lucky I didn't get stuck out there!Still not drinking coffee. I've switch completely to Chai. I actually blew it on Saturday and ordered a real latte but they made me a Chai instead, thinking I wanted a Chai latte (I had ordered a chai first, then when they asked if I wanted a tea or latte, I said I just wanted an almond latte instead, then they still gave me chai!!) So you might be wondering, what the HELL does any of this have to do with my "spiritual life". Well, as I have determined, not very much at all!! except that it is teaching me to be disciplined. Its very difficult for me to resist all forms of coffee! Also, the idea of cheating has crossed my mind many many times! Its only been 13 days and each day I want to pack it in! Its a good lesson for me I think about not doing what I want all the time.
I'm also trying very hard to learn how to shut the hell up, and not make sarcastic/mean/rude comments as often as they pop into my head. Fun times!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
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