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i originally wrote this on 2/12, then deleted it. I'm putting it back up!

1. A lot of people think I am cheating Lent by substituting other forms of caffeine for coffee. What's up with that? Who would have thought that so many people around me would actually turn into these weird Pharasee type people criticizing me for drinking a flipping coke! People don't seem to get that I gave up COFFEE ONLY and NOT CAFFIENE! It seriously makes me just want to get some damn coffee. What's the point of continuing if everyone thinks I'm cheating anyway or not really sacrificing anything. It would be really easy to rationalize at this point, considering especially how stupid giving up coffee is in the grander scheme of things. In fact, upon reflection, it seems like if there was one thing I was going to share about my faith, giving up coffee for Lent is probably the dumbest idea I've had in awhile. Live and learn, I guess! Still I like the idea of being able to celebrate Easter this year with a triple latte-- and the likely inappropriate comicical vision of Christ coming back from the dead with a coffee stand punch card in his hand looking to get his free 20 ouncer. (I can't believe I just wrote that!)

2. So I didn't really go into a whole lot of detail about my experience at the barn church that I wrote about a couple of posts ago. I did tell what happened but I didn't go into a lot of detail about the actual art. When I told my brother the story, he immediately coined the phrase "painting in tongues" to describe what I saw the man doing. The cynic in me likes this phrase a lot (side thought- are there any cynics in Christ!? seriously!). One painting was of Mt. Rainier erupting and in the lava there was a lion growling. Talk about making guests feel welcome! Actually the people there were very kind and nice seeming, except for the fact the whole church seemed to point to what McClaren has termed "evacuation Christianity". Its too bad so many Christians want to evacuate the earth, though things are so bad now for so many, who can blame people that follow religions offering a fairly straightforward way out. Anyway, I wanted to write a post about different worship styles. What's the deal with public worship being so damn important? It always feels so fake to me, but maybe I'm just bitter because I can't sing. I don't want to drive people away from God by singing in church. Ok, thats a bit of a lie. Still, it seems so unnatural to me to stand there and try to sing, especially stuff that reminds me of a TBN benefit for Paul and Jan. This is part of the reason I like hymns and even then I've noticed some hymns aren't really hymns, but "contemporary" stuff from the 70s disguised as hymns. More on this soon, I hope!

3. Today I had to attend a conference for work on the washington state learning standards and their application to volunteer run programs such as ours. Eventually I have to figure out how to get the volunteers to understand and follow the standards as well as the curriculum framework, since the volunteers are acting as teachers even though they are tutoring and there are major differences (and questions about) how the material should be presented. First though I have to understand the standards myself! I have to learn how to make volunteers feel excited about this. There are a lot of people around the state in community based orgs trying to figure this out. Still, the idea of trying to make volunteers understand this and actually do it gives me the chills. I guess ultimately it will come down to how we talk about the standards and framework with volunteers. This is still at least a year away and I have a great mentor. The reason I am writing about it on my supposed sprituality blog is because it reminds me of how I am trying hard to figure out how to write and speak about my faith in a way that isn't so --insert undesirable adjective/s--

O Lord

This post on prayer, while perhaps a bit old, seriously cracked me up. The blogger satirizes different styles of prayer and addressing God. He says the basic evangelical prayer includes a number of "justs" ie Lord just, please just etc and from there gets more complex based on denominational background. Here's one example: "Faith-Word: 'We just ask you be with them based on Matt 28:20, and we just proclaim this is reality now, we just speak this into reality by faith' (can also be mixed rather effectively with the Pentecostal upgrade)."

The best ones in my opinion are in the comments section of the post.

I'm often impressed by (1) the stylish olde-world charm of citing scriptures in forms that only existed in the KJV, (2) the casual conversion of such scriptures into claimable promises, and (3) the striking Elijah-like boldness of prayer-as-lay-preaching. (What true Christian would be so crude as to interrupt a prayer meeting to correct you?)"Lord, we know your word says,
Lord, that where there is no vision the people perish. So we just pray, right now, Lord, that you would release your Holy Spirit to give us vision Lord, and teach us that your word is truth, and help us, Lord, to all agree together as one, even as you are one, that limited atonement applies to women but not to men, so that more people may know you, Father, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. Amen, Father, AMEN, for this is your will..."

This got me thinking about my own prayer life and how I pray. When I am alone I think I have a pretty uninhibited prayer life. I feel like I have an ongoing dialogue with God.

At the same time, when I have to pray around other people it is a whole other story. Suddenly I am bogged down by all this weird religious language and frantically trying to remember different prayer phrases. I struggle to express myself with authenticity. Or maybe, to express myself in a way that I think will be accepted by others as authentic! I start to try to remember how I was taught to pray, which was something like:

Father God, thank you for this day and for everything you have given us (except answers to all of our questions about human suffering!) we just (there is it) ask that you would just (again!) do whatever You want (since that's what You are doing anyway!). Help us to feel peace if thats what you want (and have a great day!) and we pray this in the name of your son Jesus Christ. Amen.

Don't even get me started on prayers where people pray for someone to be healed but only if its "the Lord's will". That always struck me as kind of sadistic and disrespectful to thinking people. It's just a way of subtly making an excuse for God in case Jane Jones isn't healed of cancer when Brother Bob says the prayer. God is complex and somewhat unexplainable. It just irks me when people try to make excuses for God not fitting into our limited understanding/logic.

caffeine, churches and

This morning I had a headache that was so intense I could hardly think. It immediately went away when I had an energy drink. I never realized how much caffiene I ingest on a daily basis. I knew it was a lot, but I didn't think I would actually have physical side effects.

Today was actually a pretty crazy day. I drove out into the boonies to a ministers meeting I had been invited to attend to talk about the literacy program we are trying to reenergize in the county. I had no idea what I was walking into-- turned out to be a converted barn miles from civilization. It was noon on a Thursday and there were people in the sanctuary jumping up and down and dancing. This guy was "in the spirit" some actually painting really incredible art. Yeah.


Luckily the Lutheran pastor warned me right before we left that they were "into music" at this particular church. Still that couldn't really prepare me for the surprises that lay ahead! Apparently this meeting moves from church to church. When the meeting happened there were ten pastors. I was the only woman there. That's okay. What the hell is feminism for if not moments like that, right? I had hoped at least one of these pastors would be a woman, but thats okay. Its a rural area, right?

All the while we had lunch upstaits we could hear the worship service going on, screaming the whole deal. I was trying to talk about helping people who can't read and in the background I hear this woman yelling "okay Jesus!!!!!" The pastor of the church said he had been cured of cancer in the sanctuary. Everyone seemed more subdued though for the most part.

I really couldn't believe I was there. It was good in the end though, I really was able to hear what their congregation and community seems to need as far as literacy services and two of the pastors invited me to speak to their congregations.

Also I can't lie, it was interesting as hell and I was really glad to be there for other reasons besides my job.

That said, if I had this job a year ago, I would not have been able to handle today. I would've freaked out and left. So I'm glad I have relative peace with God.

So that was my day! I wish it was the weekend so I could leave town. I am thinking about canceling my afternoon appointments tomorrow and going somewhere to think. I don't know why I think I have to go somewhere to think. Maybe its just a way of getting away from all this intense seeming stuff around me.

Lent

I have decided to try to surrender my will to God.
I am also giving up all forms of coffee (which I already miss a LOT!!). This way every time I want coffee I will remember that I am actively trying to do what God wants and not what I want. Not like theres anything wrong with coffee or that I think God me wants to give it up forever (at least i hope not, that would be crazy!).

I just picked it because I know it will help me remember.

Time to unsuccessfully try giving something up!

when i was a kid my grandpa would go to the Polish bakery and get Paczkis, and bring them to my mom's house the day before Lent on Fat Tuesday. That whole side of the family was Catholic, and my mom always gave something up.

Most years I have also given something up, or alternately, cut my hair on Ash Wednesday. Without thinking too much about it, I have sort of gotten into an every-other-year routine. Last year I gave up cigarettes. That lasted about a week. The year before that I cut my hair. The year before that I gave up coca-cola (lasted about a month) and the year before that I cut my hair. I can't remember what I gave up before that. One year I said I was giving up God. O Boy.

This year I cut my hair at Christmas, so I guess I should give something up.

I already gave up smokes. 6 months last week, yippee.

I don't think I could part with wine.

I could give up eating out, that could save me a lot of cash.

Coffee is too important to my sanity. Maybe I could give up just one form of caffiene, like Dr. Pepper.

Man, something is screwed up about sitting here thinking of an "of medium importance thing" (to me), to give up. Why am I giving up anything anyway? Its like a sham from the beginning if I am already looking for an easy thing.

TO BE CONTINUED

dusk

click here to see the rest

changes

There is not really an easy way to say this. My partner and I have separated. It's something I knew was coming for at least a month, but I didn't want to think about it. I'm still sort of in denial in a lot of ways. I don't plan to write much more about it here, other than this post, but I didn't feel like I could write anything else on this blog until I said it and sort of forced myself to deal with the reality of it.

Anyway I would appreciate your prayers.

Everything else in my life is going extremely well and I feel very fulfilled. I think there is a kind of mercy in that because it makes things easier. Not easy, but just a little easier. And as always my faith is helping me when I allow it to help me, if that makes sense.

Here's a song that played as soon as I dropped Evan off in Portland on Friday night, where he will be living. It brought me some comfort. I want to remember that it brought me a lot of comfort so I am posting it here. After I dropped him off I drove to Warner just for the hell of it. It was like coming back around full circle or something. But you know, all the doors were locked, the doors to the chapel, the doors to the church auditorium where we were required to go to chapel, everything was locked. At first this depressed me and then I realized, hey,---I never could connect with God at that place anyway, so why should I think I would be able to now?! It was actually a relief in a way that is hard for me to explain. Nine years later, that place STILL doesnt work for me!

God is merciful.